You think that once your children are no longer babies, your sleepless nights are over. Nothing is normal when it comes to my life. Nothing.
I didn't even plan on doing a blog post today. I have too many other things to do. But I woke up with my mind overflowing with thoughts and memories of my dream last night. I was in a resort with my family and there was a fire. The property was surrounded small fires that eventually turned into a big fire. And guess who was trying to put the fire out? That's right...it was me. Because that's what I do you know...put out fires. Add that to my resume of jobs that I don't get paid for . Firewoman.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my17 year-old son. I have never been in an abusive relationship with a man, but I think this must be what it feels like. He dumps all of his crap on me. He pushes me to the limit with all of his drama and each and every whacky, off the wall thought that he has to share with me. I bare the brunt of the anger that he does not show the rest of the world. The rest of the world only gets a taste of it. I get the whole seven course meal! No wonder my appetite is so off these days. I forget to eat sometimes probably because my mind is so full.
He is in the process of grief and anger over loosing a friendship. Who cares that he actually has more friends right now than he has ever had in his life? It's the elusive one that seems to count more than everything. It means nothing that he spent the weekend hanging out with two friends having a complete blast. He comes home angry about a friend who no longer wants to hang out with him. How in the hell does this happen. Why can't he see his blessings? It doesn't make any sense. This isn't normal! But nothing in my life is normal. Nothing.
Who has a local cop on speed dial to come over and talk to her son who is acting out of control? Me. Who has a police officer sitting at her kitchen table talking to her son because he was so angry earlier that evening that he wanted to storm out of the door and walk over to his ex-friend's house to make him talk to him? He wants to show-up at someone's home ...uninvited and angry. What is that going to get him other than the boy and his family thinking that they made the right choice by staying away from this boy?
He dumps every negative thought and feeling on me, using every curse word in the book for going on 2 days now...until I'm at the point where I no longer want to be in my own home when he is here. I want to run away, which I actually attempted to do Sunday night. He begged and pleaded for me not to leave. He loves me. He needs me. He promises to listen to me from now on. "What can I do Mom? I'll give you every dollar in my wallet if you won't leave. Don't give up on me Mom." Abusive. Relationship. Not. Normal.
He sits there in front of our officer friend saying all of the right things. Repeating the same words that I've said to him over the past couple of days, as if he has internalized the thoughts and knows the right thing to do and feel. He is the exact complete opposite of the hate spewing monster who has been parking in my bedroom for days, refusing to leave...refusing to give me any space...any peace Shooting me over an over with a barrage of negativity until my head is splitting and pulsating in pain.
To put icing on the cake...at 2 a.m. I am awakened because the other son, Blue, knocks on my door to tell me he has to use the restroom. What in the hell does that have to do with me? He wants to use MY bathroom instead of his --the one that he shares with his brother. It may not be clean enough for him. I refuse to get up. I send him packing back to his own freaking restroom! I lay in bed listening to the sound of the toilet seat slamming.
The next thing I know...there is another knock at my door. I think I flooded the toilet. Really?!?! Nothing is in my life is normal. Nothing.
 |
| My Dog Harry Sleeping on his back. Nothing is Normal. Nothing. |
Before Bed, Blue tells me about feeling rejected by his best friend because he invited another friend over to spend the night. Blue has been wanting to spend the night with him for weeks and "he has excuses or blown him off." I remind him that friends are not exclusive. He also has other friends that he spends time with. He can not choose or command that his best friend spend time with him and only him. The problem is, Blue's self-esteem has been in the crapper for a while now. He is depressed and extremely sensitive. And of course ...I feel his pain.
This is what I lay awake thinking about this morning when I should have one more hour to sleep. But I can't. Because nothing in my life is normal. Nothing.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
Robots for kids
Robotic Online Classes
Robotics School Projects
Programming Courses Malaysia
Coding courses
Coding Academy
coding robots for kids
Coding classes for kids
Coding For Kids
Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago