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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Tis the Season & it Ain't Jolly


The layers of drama that come along with this time of the year are almost too much to bare.  I feel like I'm in a deranged game of ping pong, being banged with two paddles back and forth between two extremes of madness.

Seriously, it's one and then the other when you have two teenage boys on the spectrum and they are both going through their own individual issues.  I am there in the middle soaking it all in, being deluged by their emotions, anger, arguing, fighting, yelling, screaming and yes...sometimes cursing.  It's too much for them to handle.  It's too much for ME to handle, but what choice do I have really?  I am their person.

In high school their is always drama, but when you don't have the social nuances down, when you say things that you think are funny, but they are extremely inappropriate ...the typical high school drama is taken to a whole other level.

So Red has been on a bit of a high lately.  I mean so happy that he's found his tribe...his peeps ...his relationship with the Lord, that he feels like he can do no wrong.  He has been happy, confident, self-assured even.  He thrives on being a blessing to other people...helping those who are less fortunate than himself.  In fact, he is mentoring a young man who stands in the shoes that he walked in just a short time ago.

We had the awesome privilege of meeting with this young man and his mother on Saturday.  The young man has Aspergers and is in a really negative space right now.   The two of them were connected by a Special Education Administrator in the school who works with both of them.  We met at a hamburger/ice cream joint for lunch ...and it could not have gone better.  They both opened up to each other and had great dialog.  Red encouraged this young man and told him that it does indeed get better.  Oh My God ...I was such a proud mommy to see him in this role!  You could not wipe the smile off my face or take away the elation in my heart.  They will continue to work together in the future, which is a huge blessing and honor.

And then it all goes to crap ...he goes to school this week and says something socially inappropriate to one girl, about another girl and it all comes back to bite him in the ass.  He ends up meeting with a Vice Principal and has to sign an agreement to stay away from this girl.  I also have the Principal have the girl sign an agreement to do the same.

You see...this has happened before.  They become friends everything is hunky dory, until it's not.  She goes and "tells on him" for saying or doing something that makes her feel uncomfortable.  He stops talking to her.  A few months go by, and the girl befriends Red again.  They add each other on Facebook.  Time goes by...Red says or does something else to make her feel uncomfortable.  The next thing you know, she's back in the Vice Principals office complaining...again.  She's yanking his chain and confusing the hell out of this already social confused, inept boy.

Of course this whole thing upsets him.  He fixates, perseverates and ruminates over it until the point that he gets angry.  The next thing you know, he's yelling and cursing in a classroom with a friend over said issue.  This of course, causes another problem for himself. Today, he sits in PAD which is kind of like in-school-suspension, but it's for kids in a behavior program.

This means he will come home even more angry than he was in the first place.  And who will be the lucky winner in that situation? Yep...that's right.  Me, and probably his brother who he will pick a fight with.

His brother, Blue ...who is already dealing with his own set of issues, depression anxiety and anger because ...well, Tis the Season.  Blue has been upset and sharing the love with me mostly about school in recent weeks.  He wants his grades to be nothing less than perfect.  He spends so much energy on this and is wound up so tight you could bounce right off of him.  He has all of this homework and sometimes, he's just too freaking exhausted to get it all done.  Heaven forbid there be something extra thrown into the game plan, like a therapy appointment, him going to youth night at church, or me reminding him to take a shower!  Then we have WW3.

There is also the issue of Christmas and that list that he keeps doing and re-doing, researching, changing, adding, subtracting until the point of absolute madness.  Fixating on really expensive gifts that we can not afford to and will not be getting him this year.

Oh yeah ...lets add another layer to this madness.  My mother...who lives with us gets so highly offended when they loose it with me.  When they are here in their home, their safe place and they absolutely loose it.  There is of course, yelling, screaming, fighting and sometimes cursing.  She wants to call them out on it, usually in the middle of it, because she can't stay out of anything.  Or better yet, she wants to put them on the naughty list and let them know that they won't be getting any gifts from her, or their gifts will be modified because she doesn't appreciate the way they treat her daughter.  I mean it's great that you love me mom and want to protect me...but I find myself trying harder to manage them so that they won't upset you, which makes my life what? HARDER!  This is our home...this is our life.  This is our bullshit drama!  I don't need anything to add to it!

These are mental, neurological issues.  Telling them what they are not getting for Christmas does not make their issues go away!  It does what? It increases their anxiety!!! And MINE!

Guess what if I'm honest...I don't really care that they curse here.  I mean yeah...it sounds bad.  But I would rather them do it hear than at school!  And I know how to deal with it.  I know how to calm them down.  I also know how to walk away when I can't handle it anymore.

They have issues with anger...I would like to teach them skills to better handle their anger, and Lord knows I am doing everything I possibly can to help them with it, from medication to therapy, teaching them anger management skills  ...but I can not teach them anything in the middle of their anger!!! The teaching part comes in when they are calm.

Me getting angry (and I'm not saying I don't) or Grandma and Dad getting angry when the boys are already angry just makes for bigger anger.  When will anyone in this house ever freakin' get that???

I swear...we just need a therapist to move in with us.  Anybody know one?  Not that we could afford it. That's another thing ...the therapy bills are killing me.

And that is my rant for today ...thanks for listening.

Feel free to comment below... and if you are a therapist willing to move in with us or adopt my children... please leave your contact information.