The layers of drama that come along with this time of the year are almost too much to bare. I feel like I'm in a deranged game of ping pong, being banged with two paddles back and forth between two extremes of madness.
Seriously, it's one and then the other when you have two teenage boys on the spectrum and they are both going through their own individual issues. I am there in the middle soaking it all in, being deluged by their emotions, anger, arguing, fighting, yelling, screaming and yes...sometimes cursing. It's too much for them to handle. It's too much for ME to handle, but what choice do I have really? I am their person.
In high school their is always drama, but when you don't have the social nuances down, when you say things that you think are funny, but they are extremely inappropriate ...the typical high school drama is taken to a whole other level.
So Red has been on a bit of a high lately. I mean so happy that he's found his tribe...his peeps ...his relationship with the Lord, that he feels like he can do no wrong. He has been happy, confident, self-assured even. He thrives on being a blessing to other people...helping those who are less fortunate than himself. In fact, he is mentoring a young man who stands in the shoes that he walked in just a short time ago.
We had the awesome privilege of meeting with this young man and his mother on Saturday. The young man has Aspergers and is in a really negative space right now. The two of them were connected by a Special Education Administrator in the school who works with both of them. We met at a hamburger/ice cream joint for lunch ...and it could not have gone better. They both opened up to each other and had great dialog. Red encouraged this young man and told him that it does indeed get better. Oh My God ...I was such a proud mommy to see him in this role! You could not wipe the smile off my face or take away the elation in my heart. They will continue to work together in the future, which is a huge blessing and honor.
And then it all goes to crap ...he goes to school this week and says something socially inappropriate to one girl, about another girl and it all comes back to bite him in the ass. He ends up meeting with a Vice Principal and has to sign an agreement to stay away from this girl. I also have the Principal have the girl sign an agreement to do the same.
You see...this has happened before. They become friends everything is hunky dory, until it's not. She goes and "tells on him" for saying or doing something that makes her feel uncomfortable. He stops talking to her. A few months go by, and the girl befriends Red again. They add each other on Facebook. Time goes by...Red says or does something else to make her feel uncomfortable. The next thing you know, she's back in the Vice Principals office complaining...again. She's yanking his chain and confusing the hell out of this already social confused, inept boy.
Of course this whole thing upsets him. He fixates, perseverates and ruminates over it until the point that he gets angry. The next thing you know, he's yelling and cursing in a classroom with a friend over said issue. This of course, causes another problem for himself. Today, he sits in PAD which is kind of like in-school-suspension, but it's for kids in a behavior program.
This means he will come home even more angry than he was in the first place. And who will be the lucky winner in that situation? Yep...that's right. Me, and probably his brother who he will pick a fight with.
His brother, Blue ...who is already dealing with his own set of issues, depression anxiety and anger because ...well, Tis the Season. Blue has been upset and sharing the love with me mostly about school in recent weeks. He wants his grades to be nothing less than perfect. He spends so much energy on this and is wound up so tight you could bounce right off of him. He has all of this homework and sometimes, he's just too freaking exhausted to get it all done. Heaven forbid there be something extra thrown into the game plan, like a therapy appointment, him going to youth night at church, or me reminding him to take a shower! Then we have WW3.
There is also the issue of Christmas and that list that he keeps doing and re-doing, researching, changing, adding, subtracting until the point of absolute madness. Fixating on really expensive gifts that we can not afford to and will not be getting him this year.
Oh yeah ...lets add another layer to this madness. My mother...who lives with us gets so highly offended when they loose it with me. When they are here in their home, their safe place and they absolutely loose it. There is of course, yelling, screaming, fighting and sometimes cursing. She wants to call them out on it, usually in the middle of it, because she can't stay out of anything. Or better yet, she wants to put them on the naughty list and let them know that they won't be getting any gifts from her, or their gifts will be modified because she doesn't appreciate the way they treat her daughter. I mean it's great that you love me mom and want to protect me...but I find myself trying harder to manage them so that they won't upset you, which makes my life what? HARDER! This is our home...this is our life. This is our bullshit drama! I don't need anything to add to it!
These are mental, neurological issues. Telling them what they are not getting for Christmas does not make their issues go away! It does what? It increases their anxiety!!! And MINE!
Guess what if I'm honest...I don't really care that they curse here. I mean yeah...it sounds bad. But I would rather them do it hear than at school! And I know how to deal with it. I know how to calm them down. I also know how to walk away when I can't handle it anymore.
They have issues with anger...I would like to teach them skills to better handle their anger, and Lord knows I am doing everything I possibly can to help them with it, from medication to therapy, teaching them anger management skills ...but I can not teach them anything in the middle of their anger!!! The teaching part comes in when they are calm.
Me getting angry (and I'm not saying I don't) or Grandma and Dad getting angry when the boys are already angry just makes for bigger anger. When will anyone in this house ever freakin' get that???
I swear...we just need a therapist to move in with us. Anybody know one? Not that we could afford it. That's another thing ...the therapy bills are killing me.
And that is my rant for today ...thanks for listening.
Feel free to comment below... and if you are a therapist willing to move in with us or adopt my children... please leave your contact information.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago