I will be back soon to my writing. Right now, I'm still recuperating from an awful cold and the kids are on Spring Break! I really can't think straight enough to write a post that would make any sense.
Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this...
Have you seen my identity? I've been looking for it everywhere...I know I used to have one, but I can't seem to find it anywhere.
Once upon a time...I was a little girl who wanted desperately to be a wife and a mother. I wanted to live in a suburb, where my children would feel safe, have good schools, and a nice home to live in. I wanted to live the "Cosby" life -with a Mom and a Dad raising the children together. We would share lots of laughter. I would give them all the best of everything...all of the things that I grew up without. This would include giving them the best of myself and as much attention as they could want or need. Well...you know what they say, "Be Careful what you ask for."
As a young woman...I was very independent. I had no choice in the matter really. Growing up with a single mom meant my options for support were limited. If I wanted a college education...I had to figure out a way to go get it, and make sure it was paid for. If I wanted a car...I had to buy it. If I wanted an apartment and furniture...I had to make it happen.
I am an extremely social person. I have a lifetime worth of friends that now live all over the country. Most of them I left behind in southern California. The phone was always ringing. There was always a party, a dinner, a lunch, a trip to go on.
I still have friends who were my neighbors when I was in the 2nd grade. I have close friends from middle and high school, friends I worked with, friends I met from other friends. Once you become my friend, you're usually in for life, this includes most boyfriends.
In fact, it wasn't until I moved to Texas where I had the first occasion to actually loose friends. Some women that I met here were obviously not as sincere as I am. Then too...when you have extremely high maintenance children, some people just don't know what to do with that. But hey...that's their loss.
When you become a mother of special needs children...that kind of becomes WHO YOU ARE. It's so consuming. You are constantly on call...consistently on edge. You work tirelessly to help them get the support that they need, putting out fires, lighting fires underneath them, trying to prevent the next meltdown, calming the meltdowns that eventually will come.
When I have the occasion to spend a quiet moment alone I find myself asking, "Who the heck are you? What happened to that fun, independent, social butterfly, life of the party, traveling-the-world, L.A. girl? Where did she go?" How did I end up here in the suburbs of Austin, Texas? I don't even LIKE Texas! (Sorry you Texas lovers). As it turns out, I don't really like suburbs all that much. I have to be honest. I'm a city-girl at heart.
Will she ever resurface? Will I find her again? Or is she a complete gonner? Sayanara! Adios! Good-bye!
Every once in a while...she comes back to life. A few years ago...she went to Italy and she really came alive. Occasionally, she will take a trip to L.A....sans children and husband. She will tread on old stomping grounds, party with with old friends and family. She exhales with a knowing familiarity.
I find her most often in my dreams. She is always in Los Angeles in these reveries. She may be married, she may have children, but never...ever...is she in Texas.
My friend sent me a blessing today about creating a Bucket List which, doesn't necessarily have to be about places you'll go, or things you will do. It can be about people you want to meet and spend time with creating lasting memories. I would like to spend time with the real me again...not Karen, the mother, or the wife, but Karen the woman. I think she will be really good company.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago