Red is participating in a Social Skills group for high schoolers with Aspergers. It's Spring Break so one of the parents planned a bowling and lunch activity for the group. It wasn't a drop your kid off kind of situation. Parents had the privilege of hanging out and watching the excruciating pain of their children trying to socialize. Maybe I'm the only one who found it to be painful. Everyone else seemed to be having a pretty good time.
Red isn't very coordinated...but bless his heart he tried. One of the boys is in a bowling league, so he was very good. This was a good thing. The young man did his level best to give Red a few pointers. So did his mom, so did I. He scored very few points, but he did hang in long enough to play 2 rounds.
As the group congregated around the table, Red stood off to the side a good distance away. I continually nudged him to sit near the group so that he could join the conversation. Luckily, there were two nuero-typical kids that joined the group --a sister and a cousin, both female. They were very friendly and open. One of them didn't bowl very well either, but she didn't give up and kept a smile on her face. They all tried to engage Red from time to time.
He would respond if someone talked to him, but he did not initiate any conversation. He appeared to be pouting for the most part. I told him he looked like he was at the dentist office about to get teeth pulled, not at a social outing with a group of peers. This is what he's been saying for months. "I don't have any friends. I only have one friend. I want to hang out in a group."
I know I shouldn't expect miracles. It's going to take time and he may never socialize the way that I would like him too. (This is the son of a girl nicknamed "Social Butterfly" and a father who never stops talking and doesn't meet any strangers.) He has to ease into it, really become comfortable with people and be in the right mood in order to let go and become the charming person that he can be. He says he wants a big group of friends, but the truth is he does better in one to one situations.
We went to lunch after bowling. That decision within itself was pretty hysterical. A group of teens with Aspergers all with very different pallets, quirks and rigid thinking, trying to come together on a decision on where to go for lunch. Finally, one of the parents had to step in and make a decision and everyone would have to come to terms with it. That is part of the dynamics of dealing with a group. There has to be give and take and not everyone will walk away totally satisfied.
Red started off lunch with the sulking face. He didn't like the choice of restaurant. Once, we all sat down and he sat in the middle of the group, (near the girls), suddenly he became animated, full of life and conversation. He managed to smile and talk. I have a feeling if I wasn't there, he may have been like this the whole time.
Baby steps are better than no steps at all.
If you read this blog...you are legally and morally obligated to click below:
As the group congregated around the table, Red stood off to the side a good distance away. I continually nudged him to sit near the group so that he could join the conversation. Luckily, there were two nuero-typical kids that joined the group --a sister and a cousin, both female. They were very friendly and open. One of them didn't bowl very well either, but she didn't give up and kept a smile on her face. They all tried to engage Red from time to time.
He would respond if someone talked to him, but he did not initiate any conversation. He appeared to be pouting for the most part. I told him he looked like he was at the dentist office about to get teeth pulled, not at a social outing with a group of peers. This is what he's been saying for months. "I don't have any friends. I only have one friend. I want to hang out in a group."
I know I shouldn't expect miracles. It's going to take time and he may never socialize the way that I would like him too. (This is the son of a girl nicknamed "Social Butterfly" and a father who never stops talking and doesn't meet any strangers.) He has to ease into it, really become comfortable with people and be in the right mood in order to let go and become the charming person that he can be. He says he wants a big group of friends, but the truth is he does better in one to one situations.
We went to lunch after bowling. That decision within itself was pretty hysterical. A group of teens with Aspergers all with very different pallets, quirks and rigid thinking, trying to come together on a decision on where to go for lunch. Finally, one of the parents had to step in and make a decision and everyone would have to come to terms with it. That is part of the dynamics of dealing with a group. There has to be give and take and not everyone will walk away totally satisfied.
Baby steps are better than no steps at all.
If you read this blog...you are legally and morally obligated to click below:
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Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 122 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago