It started off as one of those typical, hurried, fighting to get him out the door and on the bus kind of mornings. This meant he walked out the door with out taking his medication. I realized it almost immediately, but I was too exhausted to deal with it right away. There have been days where he has gone without it and been fine. This was not one of those days. I had my coffee, took a shower and got dressed and finally headed over to the school.
As was signing in at the school office, my cell phone rings. Guess what? It's the school calling. His teacher tells me that he is having a rough morning and needs to talk to me. What a surprise. I go to the classroom to find out what's been going on. My head starts to spin as I listen to the deplorable things my child has said to another student and the expletives he has used towards teachers and staff. Yes...children with Aspergers have melt-downs in which they go into rage and say things they don't mean. But the things that were said to his peer seemed just mean spirited -deplorable. I was embarrassed to say the least. How could a child of mine be so mean? I am doing everything I possibly can to love support and help him. Therapists, doctors, counselors, grandparents, teachers, all telling him the same thing. Yet his thinking is that we are all wrong. It's the world according to him. Nothing would to be penetrate line of deranged thinking. Their was no remorse for how he was treating this other student. In his mind, the other student was wrong for not being his friend and for being rude to him. His definition of rudeness by the way, is not speaking to him in the same "friendly" way she speaks to others.
I understand the need for social acceptance is huge. He is reacting to what he feels is just another rejection from a friend. What I don't understand the belief that you can change or control others. I don't understand because it doesn't make any sense. Irrational thinking has a tendency to do that. You can get them do behave the way you want them to behave, especially by being mean to them. How could think that would possibly work?
I also have the frustration with the whole medication issue and finding the right combination. The ambivalent emotion about him having to take anything at the same time knowing it is an absolute necessity. Worry about the stigma of all of the above -yet knowing that I don't really have a choice. This day was proof that he needs the medication. However, it did seem that since he started the latest one, he is more irritable and angry. The most simple requests turn into a fight. He is totally unreasonable.
When I call the doctor to tell her what I am noticing, she suggests taking him to the full dosage of the new med. "We are not seeing the result of the full dosage." I'm not a doctor. I'm a mom and to me this didn't make any sense. I couldn't bring myself to take her advice. In fact, I took him off the med all together. I did increase the dosage on one of the other meds as directed by the doctor.
I also kept him home for a couple of days so that I could observe his reaction to these changes before throwing him back into the fire at school. He was on a downward spiral and I could only see it getting worse. He needed a break.
Over the next two days, his demeanor was measurably improved. We went to see his therapist and for the first time in months and he was able to process through his feelings and actions and came to terms with his error in judgment. Something positive finally soaked through his mind and heart. There was once again a glimmer of hope.
