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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Confessions

     I confess that I am horrible at being consistent.  The only thing I do consistently is take care of my children, my husband, my dog, my plants and my home. Well, I guess I am also a consistent daughter who calls her mother on a regular basis.  She is my reality check, my friend, and the person in the world who knows me best.  What would I do without her? Now that I think about it, I am also a consistent sister and friend to the people in the world that I truly connect with, so I guess I should stop beating myself up.  I suppose these are fairly admirable traits.


     I must also admit that I am not always consistent with disciplining my children.  I have many excuses for this.  For one, I often find myself trying to balance out their father who I think is a harsh disciplinarian. He says he's just being a "man".  The way males think is so weird...but whatever.  I am often too sympathetic to their plight. I remember when I did the same sort of things when I was a child. So when my son comes to me and says, "I'm sorry mom I broke your mirror,"  I remember my mom going ballistic when I broke something, or spilled a drink on the table. Therefore, I simply accept his apology and tell him to stay out of my bathroom or just have him make his best attempt at cleaning up the mess.  Sometimes, a spill is just a spill...a simple accident, other times it's not paying attention.  But is either of them a crime that calls for making them feel like a complete idiot.  They get enough of that from strangers, mean kids at school, and yes...often from teachers.  

    Speaking of teachers -I confess that I almost told my son that one of his teachers could kiss my...(yes I left the a word out).  I don't care for her style.  I don't like the way she treats my son. Furthermore, I don't trust her and I really don't want her having any influence over him.  Teachers are not absolved from being abusive. I had him removed from her class.  Unfortunately, he sometimes has to deal with her at lunch or on the playground.  She's probably one of those conservative, far right-wing Republicans who wants to teach everyone about 'self responsibility' which is not completely a bad idea.  However, most extremist come to the table with a skewed point of view.  They often can not see beyond the perfect world they live in. They don't realize that everyone doesn't come from the same place, or have the same experiences...that the playing field is not always balanced.  My son comes from a place of being a black child in a white world and to ice the cake, he has a disability that some people can not see, and others wish not to recognize.  Asperger's syndrome is high functioning form of autism.  Just like God, just because you can't see it, doe not mean it doesn't exist. (But that's a whole other rant for another day.)



     I am also extremely inconsistent with taking care of myself. I continually put my self on the back burner.  I'll get to me later.  I must take care of everyone else first.  Often, there just isn't anything left for me.  This would include my writing career or lack thereof.  One of the most pertinent facets of being a writer is doing it everyday or at least several days a week.  I will let laundry, cooking, husband, children and my dog call my name, when I should be listening to the little voice inside of me that says, "You should be writing right now." Even as I write this I am fighting the urge to get up and curl my hair, and wash my face to be ready for a meeting I have at my son's school. 
     "Dear lord, I thank you for the blessings of this and everyday.  Thank you for the things that I am good at and help strengthen me in my areas of weakness, for there are many.  Help me use my life in your divine order to help others. May your will be done -I hope that includes helping me to be more consistent with my writing  where I can share my experiences with the world, in hopes that my words can touch a life, make it better, make someone laugh or at least let them know that they are not alone."
     -Amen 

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