I found myself craving alcohol yesterday. Poured myself what was left of a bottle of wine at exactly 5:04 p.m. I was so proud of myself that I actually made it till 5:00 since it was a particularly lonely day. Alan got on a plane to New York around 10 a.m. I wasn't motivated to much of anything. It's so freakin' hot outside in this miserable Texas summer heat. I feel like a prisoner in my own home at least during the day.
I spent the majority of the day drawing with pastels. I find that putting my anxiety into a creative project helps quite a bit. Not that I'm some great artist or anything. I just love working with colors. I do best with kind of abstract pieces. There is no right or wrong when you work in abstract. In fact, I textured the entire downstairs of my house with glaze. What I loved most about doing it, was that there is no wrong way, no mistakes. It would be great if life worked that way.
I called my dad yesterday, which is an exercise in hilarity. It takes a lot of strength lately to pick up the phone and call him. You have to prepare yourself for a certain amount of bullshit. I have to admit that he does always make me laugh. He finds a way to put in these digs about my brothers and sisters and how he never hears from any of them. He make outrageous accusations about their personal lives, which you have to take with a grain of salt and just laugh. Then you wonder what he is saying about you when he's talking to them.
We will be going home to L.A. for a visit soon. My boys can't wait to see him. They love him unconditionally, without judgment. I love him because he is my father and he did contribute directly and indirectly to the person that I have become. I tribute my love of music, my sense of humor, the calm and outrageous sides of my personality to him. I will allow the boys to spend time with him with mixed emotions and angst over what he will say to confuse and damage them. Some of my siblings have given up on allowing their children to spend time alone with him. I figure the boys don't get to see him often, and as he is 80 years old, we never how much longer they will have him in their lives. Besides they get a kick out of all of his cursing. They don't get to here it much at home.
My second drink was an unsatisfying margarita, which made me think I should stick with wine. The high is much more mellow. So I went to the store (to get eggs) and bought another bottle. It was a leisurely Sunday after all. Besides, it would go great with the pizza I picked up. I refused to cook for my little ungrateful heathens. Unfortunately, the bottle wasn't cold enough so it went unopened last night. I was actually proud of myself for going to bed without it. I confess...I did however make and partake of a lemon ice-box pie (my grandmothers recipe) that I don't plan on sharing with anyone if I can help it.
Logging you in...
Adelaide Dupont · 285 weeks ago
And for those of us who knew and appreciated these points in high school to a greater or lesser extent - always good to have a refresher and feel them through the current and future generations who we survived to be able to see.
I especially appreciated points 5, 7 and 10.
And young women not settling or settling down yet is a good thing.
"It's never too late to live our dreams" - but it may be too early for some of them!
And 8 of course.
nicole · 243 weeks ago
Risa · 230 weeks ago
LAH · 221 weeks ago
Maira L. Coral · 216 weeks ago
I was looking for information for my Multi-Genre Disability Research Project from my Early Childhood Special Education class on the web, when suddenly I came across your blog. I started reading this out of curiosity and I want to tell you that as you said yourself, you will not be Amanda Gorman, but you managed to make me shed some tears, perhaps because I felt totally identified with your words, especially in the part that you speak of your son. My son also has Asperger's syndrome, he is 19 years old and he is in the second semester of College. Also like yours, he takes classes from home, likewise my eldest daughter is also taking college classes from her room. At the same time, that I work as a preschool teacher from my kitchen through a computer, my husband sleeps in the room during the day because he works at night. Also in the afternoons I myself take virtual school classes. I am a 51-year-old Latin woman who began to learn the English language as adult, so maybe you find some deficiencies in my writing, however, I was very moved by how proud you express yourself about your son. Referent your mother, I liked the humorous tone that you give when your talk about her, so I did not want to miss this opportunity and stopped my assignments for a moment to let you know that your words do make a difference, since they reach the heart of at least those who have opportunity to read you. I want confess you that is the most long I have written to someone I don't know, because your words inspired me, thank you...
Gavin Bollard · 209 weeks ago
Thanks for this post. I've been very distracted of late and so this was how I found out about our friend Kate. Kate's struggles were very real but they were so constant and so wide-ranging that it was difficult for people around her to address them. I think it's going to take a while longer for me to process all this.
I learned so much from Kate because she was always quick to point out the many injustices in the world. In her glory days, she was very much a crusader and she cared for everyone. Over the years, as her situation took its toll, I came to realise that it was the fact that she couldn't be put in a single specific category, that made the system fail her. She needed help that they weren't set up to provide.
She needed more care and she needed to be less alone. I'm so sorry that this has happened.
For a long while we were corresponding almost every day but a couple of months ago, I realised that she had become so stressed that nearly every interaction I had with her was starting to trigger her. I backed away to give her a bit more space. She only had a little time that she could stand to be online and there were too many things that she wanted to do in that time. I thought that by taking a step back, she could reach out to more people who might be geographically closer and able to assist.
Kate was a beautiful soul and she will be sorely missed by all of us.
diyalabs6192603 11p · 192 weeks ago
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Spoil your cat · 121 weeks ago
Many of these living arrangement aren't good, and many of the people who run those places really don't have the residents' best interest at heart. Those places are like old age homes and foster homes, where you sometimes hear horror stories. They're hard to trust. But then there are good ones, of course.
The best thing for an autistic adult is either to go on living at home or working and renting an apartment and living independently, but that isn't always an option.
Duncan · 112 weeks ago