Confessions of An Asperger's Mom

In the Village

2012-02-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

He ran away again. This time he is pretty serious --running out the door with nothing but socks on his feet, daring me to follow him. I usually just let him run. Isn't that sad to say, "usually" in reference to your child running away from home. Usually, he runs around the block --sometimes to the corner store to buy some sugar to soothe his nerves. By sugar I mean, soda, candy, cookies, ice-cream ...you know teen-age comfort food.

This time he just runs. Cell phone in pocket ...he calls his best friend's mom and asks her can he come to her house, which is a few blocks away. He requests that she please not tell me. She tells him that he is welcome to come, but she has to let me know where he is. He agrees.

I'm glad that he has somewhere to go when he needs to get away from us. I'm happy that he has friends that he can trust and feels comfortable enough with to share the not so pretty side of himself and our crazy life.

She calls me, and I explain the reason that he is so upset. It's anxiety over his birthday. He set up this unrealistic expectation for what he wants as a gift. When I told him that wasn't going to happen...he was shocked --appalled even.
"But that's the ONLY thing that I want! There is nothing else! You just ruined by birthday! My birthday is going to be terrible!"
This is typical black and white thought. It seems to be developing into a trend that we must break. This making of lists of these exorbitant gifts that he wants for a given occasion. We have to squash it. How? Is the question. Very carefully is the answer.

In past years on his birthday, I've been lost as to what to get him since it's so close behind Christmas. There was never a list. He is usually grateful just to go out or have friends over for his birthday. It all about the celebration of him...not the gifts. Now he gets all amped up about what he thinks he has to have!

I ask his best friend's mom to please talk to him about this unrealistic expectation. He loves her. He thinks that she is a walking angel. He will listen to her much easier than he will ever listen to me. After all...I am the oppressor!

They have a nice chat. I give him an hour to cool down. I think about packing his suitcase so he can go ahead and move-in over there, since this is such a horrible place. Instead, I just bring him a pair of shoes to put on. When I walk through the door, he is very apologetic. "I'm sorry Mom. I just had a bad reaction. I didn't know better. I know I'm going to have a good birthday no matter what." He hugs me with sincerity.

When we get back home, he is actually afraid to apologize to his dad...afraid that he may not forgive him. He actually starts tearing up again. When his dad enters the room, he leaves the room. He comes to me and says, "I'm scared." I assure him that it will be o.k.

Sometimes, dad is still shocked by their autistic behaviors. He expects a typical reaction from them. He has that old-school mentality. "These kids are so un-grateful!" He says angrily.

The kids are frustrating and often their reactions are inappropriate, blunt, and appear disrespectful. It's our job to guide and reshape their thinking. They may have that initially shocking behavior. They may over-react to something that happens that they did not expect or that they do not like. The way we have to handle it is by addressing it when they are calm and rational. Yelling at them or even talking to them sternly when they are upset makes them react with"fight or flight." They definitely will not absorb the lesson when they are in that stage of irrational thought.

Blue especially, is always receptive of learning the lesson once he has calmed down. He always feels so bad after the fact. "I'm such a bad person," he will say. Sometimes, dad tends to forget that. He reacts like, "How dare him! Or Are you kidding me!?" He wants to correct them on the spot, when they are spinning up, which makes them spin up more or ...run away. And there I am in the middle, playing referee.

It's frustrating to me that all these years later, I am still explaining Aspergers to their father. He gets it intellectually however, caught up in the moment of their behavior, he wants to react with logic. You can't always be logical, in an illogical situation or rational, when the child is caught up in irrational thought.

Parenting these children takes extremely creative thought and a great deal of patience. I think that a lot of men just want to fix it! And fix it quickly! And mostly in the same ways that they were "fixed" when they were children.
"My mother would have knocked me into next week, if I did or said that!"
Oh really? Did you have autism? And how well did that work for you?"

Parenting these kids requires education, thought and effort. It takes no effort or thought to just knock a kid into next week. When your kids are different...you have to parent them differently. The point is for them to actually learn the lesson, not for us to simply assert our authority. As he tells me all the time, "I'm a man! I'm not going to react or sound like a woman!"

I am immersed in autism. I am constantly reading books, blogs, and articles ...looking for answers and insight, trying to figure out the puzzle. I read other parenting stories, so I know that these behaviors are not just my kids, trying to get over. Some behaviors are typical, things that all kids try to say or do. However, their reactions and thought process is almost ALWAYS different. And sometimes, solving even typical parenting issues has to be approached differently --so that they actually understand the lesson. And it may have to be repeated over and over until they get it. This can be frustrating.

Then we have my mother living here who is trying to understand these kids, but she doesn't completely. Of course, she has that old-school mentality. I can ignore her judgement. I know my kids and their diagnosis better than she does, so I can't let her thought process interfere with what I feel is right. My husband will deny this, but I think he plays into her thought process because it backs his up. My feeling is, when you are both as educated about autism as I am, when you go to all of the therapy appointments, take the daily phone calls from school, advocate for their IEP's, sit in every planning meeting for them, do the research on medications and everything else that I do...then I'll believe that you know more than I do.

That's not to say that my husband isn't a great dad. The boys do connect with him in ways that they can never connect with me. They believe that he is all knowing when it comes to certain things, that they feel I have no clue about. They love him immensely and want his approval more than anything in the world. Definitely, more than they want or need mine. He is my loving partner and he is the only one who can teach them, by example how to be a responsible man, husband and father. He still frustrates the hell out of me and I do the same for him.

I think that I am one of the most patient mothers on earth ...and even I lose it sometimes. I have my meltdowns --moments where I just want to scream or cry. In these moments...I am thankful for the village that I have to help me raise these boys. I appreciate all of the mothers of Blue's friends who help guide him. I am thankful for our friends who come and pick Red up and take him hiking or talk to him about girls and self-esteem. For my brother and niece -who mentor Red with his video business

There is an African proverb that says, "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child." In this case...it takes a freakin army!

Romantic Girl --Unromantic Life

2012-02-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

"It's a cold, wintery weekend here in Austin. Absolutely perfect weather for napping, snuggling, eating comfort food, watching movies and reading. If only I had a family who actually enjoys spending time together."
This was my FB status on Sunday. I know...funny right? Funny, sad and true.

I am this romantic person lost inside of this unromantic life, with these unromantic boys that I live with. And for this weekend's purposes...I"m going to lump my husband into the unromantic category. Lucky for him, he has his romantic moments and is generally a wonderful guy. But we all know that no marriage is perfect and we all have an ugly side. I am the lucky person who gets to see his, and he gets to see mine...more often than not lately. When you live in a stressful environment, sometimes it's hard to be all lovey-dovey and nice.

Saturday is peaceful for the most part. I spend most of the day in my pajamas. Aspergers Dad takes the boys out to dinner and to Best Buy to look around. Blue wants to window shop for his birthday, which is coming up this week. I literally scream hallelujah as I lock the door behind them.

In the quiet, I get online to play Words With Friends on Facebook. Unfortunately, I read the news about the death of Whitney Houston. My heart is heavy because of this loss. Another great artist who pays the price of high art with her life. What is it about the greatest singers in the world that makes them succumb to a life of drugs? It's so sad.

I think of all of the songs of hers that I loved at different times in my life. I remember that first video I saw on MTV of her in the blond wig. I have the fleeting thought of the the boyfriend I was with at the time. I think of how sexy I thought she was with Kevin Costner in the Body Guard. And "I will always love you" was just --epic. I think of her during that sad time around 2005, when she did the reality show with her husband, "Being Bobby Brown." "Bobby!" she would call him in her very street, round-the-way-girl voice. We got to see how much she and Bobby really were alike despite the image we had previously been sold.

Nevertheless, her voice was undeniable! Her talent, larger than life. I was pulling for her in her last "come back" album. Thrilled to see her in her last interview with Oprah. I was hopeful for her...and now saddened by her death.

Sunday morning we have a wintery mix of rain, sleet and a few snow flurries. I am so thankful that there is food in the house and I don't have to leave. My mom has plans to cook dinner for us. Awesome! I plan to do laundry and relax. (Yeah...right. These people I live trampled all over every last inch of my nerves all day long.)

Blue has become this angry teenager, who disagrees with every word I say. He hates to be "bossed around" as he says by me. Well...excuse the hell out of me for being your mother! Red is doing better but he's talking pretty much non-stop. You can't shut him up. I'm trying to relax downstairs watching my trashy t.v. and suddenly everyone is hungry.

"What's for lunch?"
"There's nothing to eat here! Well...there's nothing I want."
I offer a myriad of choices. None of it is good enough. Blue tries to make lunch so complicated that I just want to scream. It's like he tries to see how far he can push me. I don't think he's manipulative. He just wants things HIS way and hates to be told no.

When I do make Blue and Asperger Dad lunch...they come downstairs and start complaining about what I'm watching on t.v. Blue tells me how inappropriate everything is and his father is giving me "the look." I call it the Big Pappa look of disapproval. (I have a father baby, and you are not him!)

I turn the television off. I'm pissed! Wasn't I here first? I just made lunch for you two and now you're complaining about what I'm watching on t.v. You're welcome very much!

I go upstairs to my room. Red is in my room watching some loud irritating show. He got rid of the t.v. in his own room in one of his minimalist purges. His t.v. wasn't good enough because it wasn't an HD 1080p, flatscreen. This is just great!

There is no escape! To make it worse...I have no wine in the house!

Later in the evening, I have to have to help Blue get through a novel for school. He loathes this novel and it's violent themes. "The Hunger Games" is assigned reading for his language arts class. I find extreme irony in the fact that our school district gives parents and "opt out" to watch the President of the United States addressing children, to encourage them to work hard in school. Yet, they assign reading to 7th graders with violent themes. Where's the "opt out" for that?

Of course, I am the lucky recipient of his loathing of this assignment. Although I am trying to help him, he is talking to me as if I assigned the novel myself. Everything is my fault. To top it all off, my mother chimes in taking issue with the way that he is talking to me. She lets him know, in no uncertain terms, that he is being disrespectful to her daughter. This sends him over the edge. I have to corral him up to his room and calm him down. Thanks Mom! I really appreciate your help.

It's a sad state of affairs when you start to get used to hearing your children saying things like, "I just want to end my life, because this homework is really stressing me out. I'm such a bad person because I take it all out on you."

We talk through it. I assure him, that I love him. At the end of the day, no matter what has happened we end with, "I love you." That's all that matters. He agrees. We get through the assignment and hug it out as I tuck him for bed. (This is actually the best part of my day.)

By the time they all go to bed I self-medicate with a brownie and 2 ounces of milk. I'm not speaking to my husband or my mother. I've had run-ins with both of them.

Oh yeah...It's a Wonderful Life!

Happy Love Day! As my friend Elena says, "You are a cherished blessing to the world and to me." Thank you for reading and sharing this journey with me.

Truly,

Romantic Girl

Playing Hookie

2012-02-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

Editorial Note: If you haven't played hookie lately...you really should. Find a beautiful place and get lost.

I grew up with the strictest single-mother on earth. According to her, there was no dating...even in high-school. I had a midnight curfew, despite the fact that all my friends could stay out till 1 a.m. I could not see rated R movies. There would be no teen night-clubs. Sex was for married people, so there was no sense in us having a talk about it. Other than, "Kissing and petting leads to pre-marital sex. So you should not be kissing and petting."

That worked out really well. I had my first boyfriend in 10th grade. I would sneak out to see him...giving her all kinds of lame stories. There was plenty of kissing...luckily, I was too afraid to have sex. I would even play hookie to hang out with him and our group of friends. I did everything that I could possibly get away with...all without my mother's knowledge. Including seeing my first rated R movie, "Saturday Night Fever" with a group of friends from my neighborhood.

I promised myself to never be THAT mother. I want my kids to be able to talk to me and ask me about anything. Well...little did I know that I would have to Aspergers kids who do actually talk to me about EVERYTHING. In fact, my 16-year old son informed me the other day about his research on porn. "I looked it up on Wikepedia," he says very matter-of-fact. Great! That's just great.

I actually allowed him to watch a rated R movie "Snakes on a Plane" the other day here at home with his friend. I could have made him go through the trouble of sneaking and watching it at his friend's house. But why go there? Apparently, the rating is for language, one scene sexual in nature, intense terror and violence.

When I turned 18, I finally told my mother, "You know, I would rather just tell you what I'm doing rather than sneak around all over town telling you I'm at point A when I'm really at point Z. I'm going to find a way to do what I want to do, so I may as well be honest with you." Her bottom lip dropped down to the floor. She couldn't believe my audacity, but things changed after that conversation.

I guess there is still apart of that little girl within me who wants to do what I want to do, without having to answer to anyone. I spend so much of my life doing for other people, being the responsible mother, wife, daughter and friend. Sometimes, I just want to sneak away and do my own thing.

Playing hookie is still something I do every now and then. Lately, things have been so crazy, I haven't had the opportunity to do it. Unfortunately, I'm not doing anything too exciting like sneaking off to make out with a boyfriend. Although, wouldn't that be fun??? I sneak out for lunch, happy hour, shopping or to the movies. (Ssh! Don't tell anybody.) I use cash for all payments so that my steps can not be traced. When anyone asks questions or calls me and says, "Where are you?" I simply answer, "I'm not at liberty to say."

The boys have been out of school for the first 3 days of this week thanks to teachers in-service training. Essentially, we had a 5 day weekend. Yes...that's right...TORTURE! Thursday morning, I get them off to school. I decide...this is it. This is my day to escape. Friday I already have an appointment scheduled for my mom, I have to take the dog to the groomer and I have an appointment for myself Friday afternoon. I have not been to the movies...alone, in I can't remember when. I am going today!

Red calls at 11:55 a.m. "Mom...you forgot to give me lunch."

Great! I have to run over there to bring his lunch. I throw on a pair of sweats and tell my mom, "I have to take Red lunch and then I have some errands."

Off to the movie theatre I go. No makeup, no shower...wearing sweat pants...but I made it! In case you're wondering I saw "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close", which of course makes me think about my husband and my children. I cry...but at least, I escaped.

Later that evening, I am doing my normal mommy duties, taking Blue to the library, running to the grocery store, running home to make sure Red eats and takes his meds, running back to the library to pick up Blue. Making dinner for my husband. Suddenly, my mom stops me in my tracks and says, "Are you hiding something from me?"

"What do you mean? Like what? You mean my rendezvous with my boyfriend this afternoon?" HA HA!

I never did answer her question. The last time I checked...I was 46 years old. Do I have to disclose my whereabouts to my mother, my husband and my children at all times? I don't think so!

Adventures with the Shoe-Licker

2012-02-08T09:26:00.000-08:00

I have been rather preoccupied with the child who has always commanded a great deal of attention lately. That doesn't mean that behind the scene...I haven't also been dealing with my "Easy" child's issues.

After school one day, the phone rings. It's Blue on the caller I.D.
"Mom! Whatever you do...DO NOT PICK UP PHONE IF THE SCHOOL CALLS!" He is crying and very upset. "They are just going to lie to you!"

I try to get out of him what is going on, but when he's this upset, there is no getting through to the actual facts of the matter. There is just pure emotion, vivid anger and exaggeration. His anger appears to be directed at his Special Ed tracking teacher. "She's MEAN! And she's always getting in my business! I don't need her help!" Of course he needs her help. He would not survive without it.

Shortly after we hang up the phone, Mrs. E. calls. Apparently, we are still having adventures with the Shoe-Licker. I have written about this before HERE and Part 2 HERE. The two of them have supposedly been separated in the classrooms. However, in the hallways apparently, they find their way towards each other. This time the Shoe-Licker apparently pushed Blue and slammed his locker shut. Subsequently, Blue sees him after-school and runs towards him...probably ready to knock the crap out of him, when his teacher screams to stop him. She quickly redirects him to get straight into the car with my carpool partner...saving him from getting himself into real trouble.

When he gets home, he barrels out of the car running towards me...crying frantically. He is angry.. yelling. He is actually cursing! Yes...this is my so-called 'easy' child. He has been pushed to the edge. Mostly he is afraid and angry because he fears that HE has done something wrong. He is 'Student Of the Week'. He is worried that has all somehow been ruined and of course it's all the Shoe-Lickers fault!

As the night goes on and he calms down...I start to get more accurate pieces of the puzzle --the story of what actually happened. Allegedly, the kid taunted and threatened Blue and he did not back down. He was threatening that he was going to shut Blue's locker. Blue got in his face, tapped him and told the kid to get away from him.

The shoe-licker says, "Tap me one more time and see what happens!"
Blue taps him one more time. After-all he TOLD him to do it.
The kid then shoves him down to the ground and slams Blue's locker shut.

So it turns out...Blue is very fearful about the part that he played in the matter. Of course, I have no problem with it. He didn't back down. The Vice-Principle may see things differently.

We have a meeting with the Vice Principle and the Special Ed. Teacher the following day. Blue tells the whole story, which of course is much easier to do when he's not in emotional havoc. There is an investigation. Blue is not in trouble. The boys apologize to one another. Finally...there is a schedule change. Blue is no longer in almost every class with this boy. I am hopeful that the adventures with the Shoe-Licker have come to an end.

The first day of his new schedule without the shoe-licker I ask, "So how do you like your new schedule?"
He says, "It's fine but...there's this kid who called my friend the R-word."

God help me. Now he has to be the R-word police. Let us pray.

Extremely Loud and Very Close...

2012-02-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

"Don't Push me cuz I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head." --GrandMaster Flash

GrandMaster Flash

When I'm the midst of hell...it's difficult for me to write about what's going on. Emotions run high...perspective is off kilter, my insides ...tide up in knots.

I have to keep moving...keep living, continue to take care of my family without losing it completely. I am still the center --the brains that make all of the parts move through the universe, whether I feel up to it, physically and mentally or not. This may mean that small details are forgotten. Everything may not get done, but the important stuff that absolutely has to happen gets taken care of. Children will be fed, medicines dispensed, doctor and therapy appointments maintained. Homework will be assisted, carpools will be driven. Fights will be refereed. I have to make it all happen.

I am forced to write things down sometimes in multiple places. I set reminders on wall calendars, cell-phone alarms and to-do lists. Otherwise...forget about it. We'd all be lost.

I really think my pay grade should go up for all of the work that I find myself doing. I should be paid as a doctor, a nurse, a pharmacist and medical research assistant. In the past week I have researched more about medicine than I care to remember. I have come to learn that you can not just trust the professionals. That is sad and kind of scary. What did parents do before the age of the internet? Their kids probably ended up in mental hospitals because they couldn't figure out what the f*#@ is going on. Sometimes the problem is the medication that's being subscribed. Instead of helping, it is making matters worse.

So we're going through the god-awful medication changes again with Red. Behaviors have been erratic. Anger, depression and mood swings have been challenging and nerve racking. It's really not a pretty scene when your child has grown into the size of a grown man, but still has the mind of a little boy. He is 16 and going through all of the hormonal changes of puberty. He is longing for the things that a typical 16 year-old longs for...yet, he has no idea how to get there. Not to mention, he has the maturity of about a 12 year-old.

After the cursing out teachers and making verbal threats episode at school, I decide to take him out of school for a few days, until we can see the doctor again and get him to a little more balanced place. He is home with me for 3 days of pure fun.

We see the Neurologist. He puts him on a new med that I actually agree with --Invega It is a new form of risperidal that is in an extended release formula and is known for less side effects. It should help Red with his moods. As usual...I am hopeful. Of course, I am also...desperate.

Hubby and I meet with the school staff. I find out that there have been some behaviors that are making another student, shall we say 'uncomfortable'. Great! I'm freaking out about this. This is a reoccurring issue that we have been dealing with since middle school. I'm thinking if he doesn't get this behavior under raps...sooner or later we will end up with legal bills on top of everything else. Of course there are a number of behaviors that we have to change if he will ever be able to live out in the real-world as an adult, without his mommy to protect and advocate for him. I can't even explain how much this makes me sick to my stomach with worry. He is 16! I will not always be able to protect him from the world...or even from himself!

This most recent behavior means we are going to have to take the cell phone away so that he is not barraging people with phone calls and text messages. We are going to have to take Facebook away from him for a while...as he is continually putting these inappropriate messages out there...sharing way too much information. Laying this serious guilt-trip on his friends at school. Basically, he is attempting to put the state of his mental-health in their hands. 'If people would be better friends to me...then I wouldn't feel so depressed,' is the gist of what he is saying.

He says he doesn't want them to feel sorry for him. But obviously, what he wants is attention...however he can get it. What he doesn't understand is how this is making other people feel and what thoughts they are having about him. There goes that Asperger's mind-blindness. He is laying this guilt trip out there which makes people who are trying to be a friend to him feel like, 'If I don't call, message and be there for him 110%, then he may hurt himself.' What teenager can handle that responsibility? And furthermore...why should they have to?

During this meeting with the school special education staff, we come up with a game plan that will keep Red safe and out of trouble, without totally confining him to home or one area of school all-day. They will be keeping a very watchful eye on him until things settle down with these med changes.

In the midst of this sh*# storm, I do get a small blessing. I don't know if it was God, the medicine or both. When I have the conversation about the cell phone and Facebook with Red, he agrees ...on his own, to disable his Facebook account for a while. He also agrees to delete certain phone numbers from his phone so that he will not be tempted to text message. What's more...he doesn't even seem to get depressed about it. I thought this was going to be a major fight. It was so civil and mature, I was totally caught off guard...in a good way.

So despite all of the knots in my stomach, headaches, and sleepless nights, we made it through the week from hell. The only thing I actually forgot to do during the week was to take Blue to his Art lesson.

Oh...and I never made it to my 'play hookie day'. I haven't been to the movies in an absolutely sinful amount of time. Having grown up in Los Angeles, I am usually an avid movie goer. Hopefully, I will see a few of the Oscar picks before the actual Oscar ceremony. The movie I really want to see is "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" but then again...I can see that live and in living color, right here in my own home.

On Second Thought...

2012-01-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

One thing I love about the internet and autism community is the exchange of information that you may otherwise not get. I wrote and shared this post, "Under the Rocks" about how happy I am with our visit to the Pediatric Neurologist. I felt so good about following my instincts and mother's intuition when it comes to my boys and the medications they are taking.

In this post I mention specifics about medications which if I had been in my right mind, I may not have done. I mean the detailed information is a little personal. But then again, my life is an open book. And this blog is based on our reality. As it turns out...it was a good thing.

My friend John Scott Holman an infamous Autism Writer, shared my post with his fans. He also commented on my Facebook link after he read the post, "Be Careful with Effexor. Focalin dose is too low. Depakote did nothing for me and is very toxic to the liver and sedating. Seroquel is extremely sedating and caused me to become lethargic and depressed."

Of course this gets me to thinking...WTH? I have not done my own due diligence by researching this medication myself. Here I go...trusting the professionals. The Psychiatrist originally prescribed this medication. The Neurologist followed her cue and wanted to increase the dosage to the appropriate level for his weight.

The professionals don't live with my kid. They won't have to deal with the fallout should this not go well. So after John made this comment, I was all over it.

'Dear Google -what's up with this drug Effexor. I need to know the good, the bad and the ugly?'

I review several web-sites. The one I find most interesting is this site called Crazymeds. The site gives fact, opinion and reviews from those who have used these medications telling us how it effected them. There is also a little humor used in the descriptions, which of course, I love. People who have used Effexor have either loved it and hale it as a miracle, or they hated it. Almost no one said it did not work, but what they did say freaked me out. Several users said things like:

"Don't miss a dose! Or you'll be sorry!"
"Coming off of this med is a nightmare!"

Under the category of Cons it says:

"For many people Effexor XR has the absolute worst discontinuation syndrome of an an antidepressant. It is a medication that people utterly loathe to have taken. It is not uncommon for someone to fire doctors during or immediately after they quit taking..."

I post on my "Confessions" Facebook Page, I pose the question, "Does anyone have experience with Effexor? I get the similar comments.

"It was effective, but don't miss a dose."
"...the biggest problems were if she missed a dose --she just fell apart and got paranoid and her school called me once because they thought she was suffering a psychotic break."

After reading this I am done. I didn't sleep that night. The following morning, I call the Neurologist office and tell them I don't want to continue use of Effexor. This drug sounds like where you go as a last resort. We have not exhausted all of the possibilities yet. I am leaning towards Wellbutrin as a result of my research and feedback. At this point, he is only 3 days in to Effexor...so the doctor says it is fine to discontinue usage. We will discuss what we want to replace it with next week.

Oh and by the way...the blood-work came back and his platelets are low. So we need to also decrease that Depakote, which could be causing the low platelets. Not remembering what I learned way back in high-school and college about the human body I ask, "And what exactly do the platelets do?" They apparently help with clotting. If your platelets are low...you could bleed out from an injury. Good thing we did that blood-work!

At the same time...I am already seeing more energy from him. His moods are mostly good...but kind of all over the place like a roller coaster from moment to moment. I have seen some aggression and cursing like a sailor. I believe that I am seeing more of his personality. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

The bottom line...adjusting medications is a real pain-in-the a**! It helps, if you have a doctor who is listening to you. But, there are no easy answers or quick fixes. It is a painful, arduous process that requires a great deal of due diligence on the part of the patient, and in this case, the patient's mother.

If you haven't already...come and join me on Facebook. The community we have is invaluable.

Under the Rocks

2012-01-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

For months now I've had this gut feeling that Red's meds are not right. Despite the meds, he is still very depressed and lethargic. He's always complaining about being tired. His social anxiety is still very much alive. Sometimes, when a person is always complaining about something...it begins to fall on deaf ears. But in the back of my mind...I know...something isn't right.

We go in to see the Psychiatrist on a regular basis. I voice my concerns and she slightly tweaks this or that, or adds this or that. Things get a little better, or a little worse. We go back and she changes things again. This past week she finally kind of listened to the fact that he is lethargic...always complaining of being tired. She orders blood work, which she hasn't done in I don't know...ever! I'm not a doctor, but even I suspect that if you're taking several medications, sooner or later you should be evaluating the blood, doing weight and blood pressure with regularity. This time she gives us lab orders to take blood to check his thyroid. I have this little feeling that says, "Thyroid? It's not his freaking thyroid! It's this got dammed medicine!" But whatever...

A little over a year ago, I try to get an appointment with this awesome Pediatric Neurologist. The practice staff gives me the run around.
'Since you used to see another one of the doctors in the practice...you have to wait so long and go through some shenanigans before you can get into see another doctor in our practice.'

Finally, I get approval to make an appointment with the doctor, however it would be 6 months before we would actually get to see him. Sounds ridiculous...right? I go ahead and schedule the appointment. I heard through the grapevine, that this doctor is not all about how many meds he can prescribe. Sometimes he even goes with herbal remedies. Sounds crazy...unheard of right? When you're desperate to make things better for your child...you are willing to look under every rock until you find the answers.

Another little tickle in the back of my mind has been Red's cognitive decline. In elementary school, with hard work, Red was an A/B student. There were not nearly as many accommodations like he has now. At this point, his work has been cut down to a minimum. He gets almost 1 on 1 instruction in math and language arts and he's still behind the curve. His reading is way below grade level. How can you at one time be commended on state testing, and now be so far behind? Something ain't right.

I chalk this up to ...he's so depressed and fixated on social issues that he isn't focusing on his school work. But still...I have that little feeling that something isn't right. Could it be the medicine that's slowing him down? The more meds he takes, the slower is his progress academically. He is still passing every class, but he can not carry a regular work load. His thinking is slower. His processing speed has always been slow...but it barely has a pulse now. What's really going on here?

Today, we finally have our appointment to see the Neurologist. I share my concerns. He hears me. He hears every-single-word I say. He agrees that I should be concerned about cognitive decline. He too is concerned. He sees that Red is clearly still quite depressed.

He goes through every single medication that he is taking and tells me which are making him tired, which are redundant and unnecessary, and what will probably work better:

Intuniv 4 mg at night --is making him fatigued and makes if difficult for him to get up in the morning and truthfully is not helping him all that much with attention. We will be cutting this down and eventually out. How can you pay attention if you're tired?
Focalin -he is only on 5 mg in the a.m. -we will be boosting it to 5 additional mg at noon.
Depakote --is a really "old-fashioned" drug. He should be having blood-work done every 3 to 4 months while taking it. There are other drugs you can take where you don't have to continually monitor blood (which hasn't been done any way).
Seroquel --he is only taking this at night. It only stays in your system for 6 hours. This drug can also add to fatigue. It's good for sleep but isn't helping with mood during the day. He doesn't need help with sleep...so what's the point here? We will be tapering off of it completely.
Prozac (Fluoxetine) and Effexor (Venlafaxine) -the Psychiatrist just started him on the lowest dose of Effexor ...did not adjust or take down the Prozac. This is redundant, and Effexor will work better. The Neurologist adjusts the Prozac down...and eventually out. He adjust the Effexor up to the correct dose for his weight.

Before we leave his office, he has the lab take blood for a full blood evaluation...not just checking his thyroid. He will also be doing an EEG and an MRI to look at his brain to get a clear picture of what is going on with him. He will be doing cognitive testing so that we have something to measure and watch. (Even the school has not wanted to take the time to do that!)

I leave his office almost dancing! I am so happy that I followed my maternal instinct. I am so happy that we are on our way to get a true picture of my son. I am thrilled that I lifted those boulders so that we can see what is underneath, leaving no stone unturned until we have some answers.

Editorial Note: All medications do different things for different people depending on your body's chemistry. I am not an expert on medications (although I'm certainly gaining a lot of experience). You may have very different results. When all else fails...follow your instinct.

Wait For Me!!!

2012-01-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's hard to tell sometimes what is typical teenage behavior, what is depression, and what is Aspergers and anxiety. The behaviors are lumped together within my 16 year-old son. He is hormonal, he is a boy, he has autism, and depression, he is defiant, he is a teen. And to put it mildly...he is a handful of mixed nuts! He's kind of like the trail mix my husband buys. I'd like to pick out the M&M's, the sweet part, take a little of the peanuts, and raisins and throw out the rest of the crap!

My husband is so excited about seeing his dad. His dad drives all the way from Savannah, Georgia with his wife, to San Antonio, TX to spend the week in a time-share. We live 90 minutes from San Antonio. So the plan is to come down and spend a long weekend with them. Of course, his dad would like to see his son AND his grandsons. I mean he drove all this way...right??

Red is on the fence about going. His social anxiety has been a little high lately. He knows if he comes with us, he will have to be on his best behavior because quite frankly,"Big Grandad" doesn't take any crap. Big Grandad stands at around 6 foot 3 or 4. (which is much taller than the other grandads in our family). He is a lovely man...really. He is funny, and sweet, but he is also no-nonsense. His wife, is no shorty like me. I'm sure she stands around 5'ft 10 or 11. She also is no-nonsense.

Not to mention, if he comes he will have to be around us 24/7. He will be on our schedule....not his. There will be no sitting in front of a computer, hiding out in his room for hours on end. There will be restaurants, people, activities that may actually require getting of your butt! Who needs all that right? Also, you will have to refrain from constantly harassing your little brother because Granddad just might knock you in to next week. (Grandpa will not actually do this...but Red thinks he might...which is a good thing.)

Aspergers Dad says, "We are leaving at 11:30 a.m. If you are going...be ready! We are not waiting for you!" He is very clear and repeats this several times...stressing how important this is to him. Aspergers Dad is really anxious to see his father. He is also very thankful that his dad drove all this way to see us. He is not going to be late!

Red packs his clothes but then farts around, talking on the phone to a friend. Then he crawls back in bed and says, "I'm tired. I'm not going."

My mother is staying at home. If he doesn't go...he'll be "stuck with Nana" (as he says within her earshot by the way).

I warn him several times, "If you change your mind at the last minute, we will not wait for you. We are leaving on time."

We are of course running a little behind. It's 11:50 a.m. I say to him, "O.K. you've obviously made your decision. We will see you when we get back. I suggest you call some of our friends so that you have something to do while we're gone."

At 11:55 when we start loading up the car..."WAIT!!! I want to come!" Aspergers Dad completely ignores him and continues loading the car. "Please!!! Don't leave me!!!" he screams, but he is making no motions towards actually getting ready. He has not finished packing. Has not brushed his teeth or washed his face.

I say, "We'll give you 3 minutes."

"How about 5?"

He still is not moving. He's arguing.

"Dad needs to be more patient!" (Just like the school bus driver. The world needs to learn how to Wait for Me!)

Five minutes pass, he is still arguing. We get into the car. He runs outside, "Wait!!!! You can't leave me. This isn't fair!"

I am crushed on the inside. Aspegers Dad doesn't care. "He's 16 years old! He needs to learn. He'll be fine."

We drive away. Blue and I are upset with dad, but I kind of see his point. Of course, I am the old softy mom, which is why Red is so freakin' spoiled in the first place.

Red does not call us all day. I'm expecting him to call and say, "Mom...why did you leave me? Come back. I really want to come." He doesn't. Which says to me, he really didn't want to come. This was all just a bunch of drama. Instead, according to my mom, he plopped his butt on the couch and played the Playstation for 3 hours.

We are here in San Antonio. I am surrounded by 3 generations of my husband's genes. Blue is enjoying his Granddad. They both have a love of cars. Blue enjoys showing off his knowledge. Hubby is in heaven being with his dad.

This morning I sleep in. I get up and write...while the guys are upstairs in Grandad's suite.

So far...it's been a peaceful weekend.

p.s. Big Grandad is coming up to our house next weekend...so he will have a chance to see Red and Slim before he heads back to Georgia.

Weekend Torture

2012-01-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

This weekend we are scheduled to go to San Antonio to a time-share resort. We are meeting my in-laws who are coming in from Georgia. They haven't been to Texas in a while. Now that my Mom lives with us, it makes things a little crowded at our house. So to have some quality time with them, we're going to meet them there.

We will have a 2 bedroom suite with full kitchen, dining and 2 bathrooms. My in-laws have their own room. There is an indoor swimming pool, a golf-course and plenty of things to do in the San Antonio area that would keep the average family happy.

We are not the average family.
Nothing is simple for us.

The boys have been fighting like mad dogs lately. Hormones, testosterone, along with their cousins depression, anxiety and autism have all gotten together to wreak havoc in our lives. They fight over the simplest, in many ways typical sibling issues. You know...we've heard it all before:

He's looking at me.
He's touching me!
He's biting his nails!
Stop to telling me what to do!
You're not my father!
Mind your own business!
You're an idiot!
You guys treat him better!
You baby him!
He needs to man up! (This one from Red...What the hell does he know about manning up?)

The truth is they both stay in each other's business. They both try to tell the other what to do and we can't seem to shut either one of them up. Their Aspergery quirks and tendencies feed off of each other.

Blue is sensitive to sound.
Red makes annoying sounds (nail biting, singing).

Blue can not tune out ANYTHING. He has to respond to EVERYTHING.
Red does things to make Blue respond. He gets a charge out of seeing him lose it!
Of course we tell Blue you would win if you just walk away and not respond. Most of the time he just can't do it!

Blue is very rule following, rule enforcing.
He tries to parent and enforce said rules with his older brother.
Red is very anti-rule following.
He refuses and gets angry because his little brother is telling him what to do or what NOT to do.

They get mad when the other one has a meltdown and yells at me. Yet they both do it!

They have very little sympathy or empathy for one another.
Red takes out his anger and depression on Blue.
Blue feels like a target.
Red does and says really mean things and a few minutes later, he's forgotten about it.
Blue is still angry about what Red has said or done.
(You can't really blame him.)
Then Red is mad that Blue is mad.
It's a vicious circle!
Get the picture??

I am not looking forward to traveling with these two. Travel and change is hard enough because of Blue's anxiety. Red...is in many ways just a teenager, who doesn't really want to be around his family especially 24/7 like we will have to be on this trip. This is intensified by Aspergers. Lately, his social anxiety is kicked up a notch. When we go into a restaurant he gets this mean scowl on his face.

"I hate being around all of these HAPPY people!"
"Everyone is looking at me." They're not looking at him, but if they were, could it possibly be the scowl on his face or that he's putting his head down on the table in a restaurant? I mean this kid has a million dollar smile...when he uses it, but this face that he puts on is really unattractive, to say the least. He looks like Anakin from Star Wars.

It's really a shame that what could be a fun, family getaway feels more like an exercise in torture. My husband is actually mad at me for not looking forward to it. I think he sees it as a personal affront to his Dad who is coming all this way to see us. It is so not about that! I would love to see them and hang out with them...if it were really going to be fun! The truth of the matter is...there will be a degree of anguish for us. For Red because he really feels uncomfortable. For Blue, because he hates being the target of his brother's anger.

We can hope that having the grandparents there will mitigate their behaviors. But that only means as soon as we get behind closed doors...Red will probably blow a gasket!

Am I being negative here...expecting the worst? Or is this just the reality?

Anyone have any sibling fighting advice?

Wish I could say I have all the answers here...but I don't. I would really love some feedback on this one...HELP!!!

Morning Scene -Take 999

2012-01-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

7:00 a.m.:

Mom hazily rises with the help of the alarm on her cell phone. It's still dark outside. She grumbles something or other to herself, but still she rises, goes to pee, grabs her cell and her best friend (the laptop) and sits it all on the coffee table in the family room.

7:10 a.m:

The phone buzzes again. She takes it into her son's room and lays it next to his head. Groggily, he opens his eyes and shuts it off.

"Come on son...it's time to get up."

"I'm too tired. I don't want to go to school," he grumbles.

Mom runs her fingertips lightly around his face, eyes, ears, nose, hairline. She imagines it tickles a bit.

"Stop!" he says.

She doesn't care. She wants him to wake up. She walks away giving him the chance to process and wake up. Meanwhile, Facebook and Twitter are calling. She has to see what the crew is up to. It appears that a number of autism parents were up at 3:30 a.m....their kids waking them for some reason or another. She counts her blessing...at least no one woke her up in the middle of the night.

Ten minutes pass...her 16-year old son is still not up. It looks like it's going to be one of those mornings. This started the night before with the "I'm too tired to go to school tomorrow." His actions this morning are a manifestation of this announcement.

She goes in again...gently trying to wake him. His eyes open, but he turns over. "I need more rest!" he screams.

"So do I," she says..."but I'm up."

7:20 a.m:

She leaves his room. Enters her younger son's room, turns on his light and gently prods him. "Time to get up." He opens his eyes and turns over, the gentle sound of jazz music is playing from his IPOD speaker.

One more stop in older brother's room. This time she resorts to turning on the water in the bathroom, wetting her hands. She touches his face. "Mom!!! Stop!!!"

"You know...we need to wash these sheets today. She takes the cover and top sheet off of the bed.

"Mom!! I'm cold!"

"Well...get up and put some clothes on."

7:30 a.m:

At this point, mom realizes there is no way he's going to make the school bus today. She calls the transportation department to alert the driver not to stop by.

13 year-old son is up and dressed...also tired, he lays on the couch.

"Mom...can you make me some waffles?"

"Sure son."

The 16 year-old is now sitting on the side of the bed not moving...still complaining. "Why can't you just let me sleep? Call them and tell them I'm sick. Why do they have to know? How do you expect me to function today? I'm tired!"

"Come and get some breakfast, take your medicine and you'll get some energy. Come on let's go," says mom.

She prepares waffles for the 13-year old.

The 16 year-old finally makes it down the stairs. "You didn't make me Cream of Wheat?"

"Nope...I do that on mornings when you get up on time. Not today...sorry. Pour yourself some cereal," says mom.

"What??!! That's not fair!"

Really?

8:00 a.m:

13 year-old moves on to the teeth-brushing, face-washing, hair-brushing routine.

Mom puts in a text to her carpool partner.

"Can you please take the boys this a.m.? I'm dealing with Red?"

Her partner agrees to take the middle schoolers.

The high-schooler is going to obviously be late.

8:30 a.m:

13 year old is waiting by the door for his carpool driver.

He gets almost everything he wants, cereal, toast and eggs (Mom begrudgingly prepared, toast and eggs). 16 year-old takes meds and puts on shoes, but...sits down again claiming fatigue.

At this point, mom is upstairs, not wanting to give him an audience to talk to and move slower for.

She shouts downstairs, "Did you brush your teeth?"

"No! I really can't do this. Why can't you respect the fact that I'm tired?" says the boy.

"I respect it. I understand it...but you still have to go to school." says the mom.

He goes on refusing. Finally, Dad steps in.

"That memory I spent $130 dollars on this weekend...I'm taking it out of the machine," he says in his very deep, manly voice.

"Noooo!!! Mom! Stop him!"

"Uh...let me here that water running," Mom says.

"O.Kaaay...fine!"

9:00 a.m:

Teeth get brushed. We head out the door. On the way to school he starts in.

"I still don't get why you can't respect the fact that I'm tired."

"It's kind of hard to respect and believe it when you announced that you were too tired to go to school before you even went to bed last night."

"I'm still really tired."

"Every student in that school this morning is tired and didn't feel like getting up this morning. When you have a job...your boss isn't going to say, 'I respect that you are tired this morning. You go ahead and sleep.' He's going to say, 'You're fired!' Everyone has to get up and get moving in the morning. You are no different," says mom.

"I guess the answer is we're going to have to send you to summer school this year, because you obviously have too much trouble transitioning after breaks from school." A passive-agressive threat.

"That's not going to help," he says.

"Maybe we'll have to find a nice residential summer camp where you can learn some coping skills." She says giving him more food for thought.

9:10 a.m:

They arrive at school. He is now 25 minutes late. He refuses to get out of the car. His class is in the portables, so Mom can pull up right outside the door. Mom gets out of the car, to which the boy strongly protest. "Don't get out of this car! You're going to embarrass me!"

"Well, you can get out of the car and save yourself the embarrassment."

He doesn't move...she does. She gently knocks on his classroom door and opens it. A young, beautiful milk chocolate-brown-skinned teacher with an adoring smile and dazzling eyes comes towards the door. "Hi there...you have a student who is refusing to come into your classroom. He's sitting outside in the car," says the mom, feeling frumpy. The teacher looks slightly confused.

The charming teacher comes outside and sees that it is Red. She turns back to the mom and says with a soft voice, "Oh...it's so nice to meet you. I love your son. He never gives me a moment of trouble. He's very compliant with me." No wonder...you're so young and beautiful! He'd never give you a hard time. Wish I could say the same.

"I'm sorry you're having a tough time this morning Red. It was hard for me to get here this morning too," says the teacher to the boy.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired," he says with flat affect.

"Well come on in. We can get some tea or hot chocolate to help get you going!"

Hot chocolate...tea? Really??? I wanted to go to her class!

"Wow Red! You are so lucky to have such a great teacher in your corner," says the mom.

He pops his ass right out of the car and goes with the beautiful teacher.

"Have a nice day. Make good choices!" says the mom. She burns rubber out of the parking lot...

9:30 a.m.

Mom arrives back home. She pours herself a cup of coffee...she adds Bailey's.

Do you blame her?

His Future is Bright

2012-01-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
"There is a reason why God made you their mom."
I can't tell you how many times I've heard these sentiments from friends and family.
Well, I often ask God,
"Really??? You think I can handle this!? Come on now! You can't be serious."

I write most often about Red. He has always been a complete puzzle...a real piece of work since he was a baby. He showed up to the party early...an emergency C-section. He was the baby who cried and cried every evening for hours on end. He screamed every time the car stopped. One time my husband had to pull over into a Mc Donald's parking lot and walk with him until he calmed down. He said, "People were looking at me like I had kidnapped him or something." Even though, they couldn't look any more alike.

Red was hospitalized @ 17 months with Kawasaki's Disease. This strange high fever came over him for days while we tried to figure out what the hell was going on. Finally the 3rd day, he woke up swollen all over, eyes, lips, face, fingers. I rushed straight to the Pediatrician's office where they sent me directly to the hospital and he was admitted.

He was speech delayed, with his own garbled language. As his mother, I knew something was off, but the Pediatrician dismissed my feelings. Finally, at age 3 after having his hearing tested by an Audiologist...I had him tested and put into Speech Therapy and Pre-school for Children with Disabilities. In 1st grade we got the ADHD diagnosis, which did not fully describe him. In 4th grade he was pretty severely depressed and finally in 6th grade we figured it out! He has Aspergers! A huge light-bulb moment! It explained so much!

As he storms through the teen years, we have also been given a mood-disorder diagnosis, subsequent to Aspergers. In other words, his depression and rages come as a result of his Aspergers. He can really lose control when he's in his worst depressed state of mind. When you're 5' 10 and 200 pounds, the meltdowns are not so cute! In fact, they look pretty darn scary. Therefore he takes medication to keep those rages under raps. I am hopeful that as he matures, and his hormones balance out...he will be able to control his moods a little better. Key word here is "Hopeful."

If you've read my blog, you know that Red is hell on wheels! He is a real-hand full to say the least. Therefore, he requires a great deal of my time and attention.

I started out writing this post not about him. It's about my "Easy" child. My Angel... Little Boy Blue. Who since adolescence began is no longer such an Angel, and is definitely not little! I think I've scared some of my readers of younger children with my exploits with Red. Every child with Aspergers is different. This includes Red's brother...my youngest son, Blue.

Blue was diagnosed with Aspergers shortly after we discovered Red's diagnosis. There were eery similarities between them, although, they are very different! Blue's Aspergers is very much anxiety based. He also misreads social cues, and has very rigid, black and white thinking. He is however, an excellent student, a very-hard worker and wants to be perfect at EVERYTHING! He wants to be a good son. He wants to please his parents and teachers, whereas Red couldn't care less. At least all of this was true until recently.

Puberty hits...hormones kick in and now...watch out world! I have hell on wheels number 2! Still he is not like his brother. He has a number of friends, most of whom are on the spectrum or have ADHD. He is still an excellent student with an A average. He is a leader and an a compassionate friend. In fact, in some ways he is very typical. He would definitely rather be around his friends and their families than be around us. Yesterday, I took him and his friends to the mall and they pretended not to know me. That was pretty funny and kind of cool at the same time.

As the hormones kick in...I no longer know anything! He knows everything. When the anxiety and fatigue kick in...I am the ball he kicks around in frustration. When the meltdowns come...everything is all my fault. I am the worst mom ever!

"I hate this family!" he screams.
"I'd rather be at school where people appreciate me!" he hollers!
"Oh great...schools out today, I have to be around YOU PEOPLE."

He thrives on the schedule and dare I say, pressure of school. He is very independent and would really like to do his own thing most of the time. He always plans his social calendar, so that he doesn't have to sit around spending time with us...especially with his brother, with whom he fights like cats and dogs, oil and water, fire and ice!

Our new routine is that he goes to the public library most evenings after school for a couple of hours to get his home work done. He just can't work with the distractions here at home. Of course, he refuses to close his door and work. It's almost like if he has an audience, he will perform. "Oh my God! This is so hard! I'm so tired! This is ridiculous! Why do they give me so much homework? This is really cutting in on my free-time!"

If he's on his own...he just gets it done.

One night last week, Hubby calls him and says, "Are you almost finished? I need to pick you up around 8 o' clock."
"I can't make you any promises, " he says.

Over the Christmas break...he really put me through hell. He hated all of that free time. It was just more time to think and be anxious about what he was going to get for Christmas. He revised his Christmas list after doing detailed research about 8 times! I couldn't wait for the so-called break to be over!

As they say, "If you've met one child with Aspegers...you've met one child with Aspergers." They are all very different and special in their own ways.

Where I worry non-stop about Red...as I wrote here, "Dear Worry"
Will he ever be able to make it in the world out there on his own?
Will he ever be truly happy?
Will he take his special interest and turn it into a career and be able to take care of himself?
I have many doubts and fears....yet, I remain hopeful.

With Blue...I know.

Although this adolescent phase where hormones rage, there for he rages, explodes and generally drives me to drink...
I have no doubt that his future is bright.
In fact it's so bright...it burns my eyes.
Where are my shades?

Dear Worry,

2012-01-13T11:04:00.000-08:00

Please go away.
You're not welcome here.
I would like just one day without you.

Just one day...of not walking on egg shells
Worrying that I will set some one off and there will be a meltdown.
Just one day...with no phone calls or e-mails from school
Just one day...with no fires to put out
No fights to break up.
No screaming in this house.

Just one day...of not thinking about medication and how it's effecting my child
Is it making things better?
Is it making things worse?
Is it making him tired?
Is it causing him to gain weight?
Is it causing regression?

Just one day...not searching for answers.
I'm addicted to knowledge.
I want to know...to understand.
I want to make things better.

Just one day...of not wondering
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I making matters worse?
Am I doing too much?
Am I doing too little?
Am I spoiling him?
Of course I'm spoiling him.
I just want to ease his pain.

Just one day...of not feeling like my parenting is being judged by someone.
I know I shouldn't care.
I just wish the judgement , "I could do it better" and "All you have to do is..."did not exist.
They have no idea what it's really like to walk in my shoes.

Just one day...of not worrying about his anxiety.
Just one day...of not wondering
Will he ever live on his own?
Will he ever be happy?
Are we running out of time?
Will he ever find true love? True friends?
Will he treat his future wife the way she deserves to be treated?
Will I have grandchildren?

Just one day...of not wondering...
Will I ever find myself again?
Will my marriage survive this stress?
Will we ever be on the same page in what to do for these children?

Just one day...of not worrying that he will do something to get himself into trouble.
Will I ever get "that" phone call?
Will his anger get the best of him?
How real is his threat of self-harm?
You can never be too cautious when it comes to his life.

Just one day...of not trying to figure out
What can I do to make him happy today?
How can I make him smile?
All the while feeling deep inside...
nothing I do will elicit the kind of happiness I want for him.

Just one day...of not feeling the pain that he feels...the worry that he feels.
Where is my magic-pain-depression repellant cloak?
I need it today.

Worry, Worry Go away
Come again another day.

Today...I give my worries to a higher power
He's going to take the wheel
He's a much better driver than I
Where I search the map...
He already knows the route
He knows exactly where our journey ends
I have to try to remember when worry comes calling...
Refer him to my driver

Agent 007 -Aspergers Mom

2012-01-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

Saturday night I am totally buzzed from French Martinis, the drink of the night. Hubby and I are back in the hotel room as we await late night room service. I check out Facebook on my phone to see if there are any responses to the picture I posted at the Charity Ball we were attending. There are pleasant responses to the picture that bring a smile to my already happy face.

I also note Red's Facebook status which reads something like this:
"I am so tired of seeing couples every where I look. I am so jealous. Because I have so many problems, I will probably never have a girlfriend or a wife. My life sucks!" This is a kinder, gentler version of what he said.

He is at home with my Mom in his room, obviously feeling a little lonely and bored. I've told him a million times before, when you put these heavy messages on Facebook, you are not showing yourself in positive light. If you want your friends to have "good thoughts" about you...you have to be more positive. I really think he believes this will make some girl feel sorry for him and go out with him because of being sympathetic. That's not going to happen.

I respond to his post, "Go to bed Red." That's all I can muster in my slightly inebriated state.

When we get back into town the next day, the funky state of mind is still in full effect. He is invited to a movie-birthday party that night. When it's time to go...he crawls into bed to hide.
"I'm not going."
"Why?" I ask
"I just don't want to go."
"You're really going to disappoint your friend, which is sad. You always complain that you don't have any friends, yet, you're risking hurting your friend's feelings. But hey...it's your life. I can't live it for you. You have to call him to let him know you're not coming."
"I'm not doing that. You call him."
"Nope. He's your friend."
"Besides...I don't know what movie they're going to watch. Everyone will probably ignore me." Aah...there we go. It's anxiety. I may not have control over the situation. That's why I don't want to go.
Luckily a few minutes later, said friend calls. They talk about the movie. They agree to watch Harry Potter. So off he goes. Yay! He reports having a great time...by the way.

Sunday the funky mood lingers. By Sunday night we are adamant, "I'm Not Going to school tomorrow. I hate school!"
Great here we go again. We went through this same time last year. Again he goes to post some negative diatribe on Facebook. I tell him to take it down. What does he do? He un-friends me. "I'm tired of you baby-sitting me on Facebook!" Not acceptable.
"Either un-block me or shut down the account," I say.
"Fine! I'll just delete it."

Monday evening I get text from my son's girlfriend. "I'm really concerned about Red's status on Facebook." Apparently...he's back online. Before I can go talk to him about it...his phone rings. It's Slim Shady (his older brother). He wants to know what the heck is going on and why Red is posting such things.

Here's where Agent 007 Aspergers Mom goes to work...

I go to his computer while he's on the phone. I log into his Facebook account...luckily he has his password set on "remember me". I add myself back as a friend. And I read the status which basically says, "I hate my life. No one cares about me. I should just commit suicide."

What the heck is going on? Why is he suddenly so animated and depressed? My older son makes him take the message down. Talks to him for a while. It's apparently about not having any friends...although he does, and especially about not having a girlfriend. Slim convinces him to shut the computer down and go to bed, which he was refusing to do for me.

I go back to my room and answer my "friend request" that I sent myself from his computer. I get straight to my detective work. Apparently, a young lady who he considers to be a good friend, posted on Saturday night that she is now "In A Relationship" along with a picture of her new guy.

Red's response on her post? "What the heck???!!! That's not fair! Who the heck is this guy???"

So here we go again. All of this is about a girl. He has no intention on harming himself. This is all about attention. What he doesn't realize is this is not the kind of attention that he wants. Your average typical teen, can't deal with all of these heavy feelings. The thing that's really scary, is that it seems we are right back to where we were last year when another female friend entered into a relationship. That did not end well. By the end of the school year, he was in the hospital. I don't want to go back there. I remind him of this fact. He doesn't want to go there either.

We have a long conversation before he goes to bed that night. I remind him of all the things that are good in his life and the things he has to look forward to including, a C-Squared club meeting the following day. C-Squared is a "No Place For Hate" anti-bulllying club at school. I encourage him to be positive so that he can attract the right girl at the right time. (I know...Good luck with that one. )

His Facebook status on Monday night reads, "Much better day today." And the girl...the one in relationship, "Liked" his status. Positive thinking works.

Agent 007 Aspergers Mom is on the case! Can you hear the music?

Silly Rabbit...Trix are for Kids!

2012-01-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

There are no secrets in our house. Even things that are supposed to be kept secret sooner or later come out. Why? Well number one, I live with some very nosey people (including my mother). Two, because no one can hold water! With the boys, and most of the time with my husband, if it comes to mind they say it or ask it. Somethings...I really don't want to know.

For instance, "I really want to make out with a girl!" Red
"I never...ever want to have sex!" Blue
"Mom, why are you putting on that makeup? No one looks at you." -Slim (my oldest) Yeah...lovely!

Red also asks me the funniest questions, "Mom...Why do you think I'm so lazy?" Wow! He actually admits to being lazy. Part of it is just being a teenage boy. He doesn't want to do chores. Doesn't want to do homework. Barely wants to take a shower. Yet, he wants us to give the best of everything. Boy is he going to be in for a rude awakening when real adult life sneaks up and slaps him in the face!

I do think he's lazy. However, I don't want him to know that. Unfortunately, I can see my lack of follow-thru in him. At his age, I only wanted to do enough to get by, especially if it wasn't a subject I was thrilled about i.e. Algebra or History. However, if I loved the subject I would give it my all 110% i.e. English, Composition and Yearbook. I did what I had to do to pass, but I certainly did not enjoy it or try to excel in it. I do however, give my all to any job I have now, especially motherhood. His dad and his brother are two of the hardest working people I know, so I can't blame this one on Dad.

This was my response to the lazy question. "You're not lazy. You only what to do what YOU WANT to do. If it's not fun...or interesting to you, you don't want to do it. It's all about MOTIVATION." (Of which he has very little.) I pray that it will show itself in him eventually. I still thought it was pretty funny that he actually asked the question.

His eyes barely open this morning, as I try to wake him he asks, "Why do I have to be forced to go to school? And why does America care about it?" Obviously, he either went to sleep thinking about this or he dreamed about it. He wasn't even fully awake.
"You have to go to school because America doesn't want a bunch of criminals who have no education or jobs running around the streets. The government doesn't want to take care of people with no education...and neither do I. So get up!"

*******

Yesterday Blue, comes to me and says, "I have autism right? Autism is a neurological condition, so why don't I see a Neurologist?"

Wow! I'm blown away by this one. It turns out he was talking to a friend who is also on the spectrum, who does see a Neurologist. I received Blue's diagnoses after getting Red's. I realized that they have many of same traits, although in many ways they are very different. We see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist, but it's been difficult to get into to see a pediatric Neurologist. I finally have an appointment coming up this month. I made this appointment 6 months ago.

I want a second opinion with regards to treatment for the boys. The trial and error process of medications to "help" with depression and outbursts is frustrating. I am hoping to get some new insight and suggestions on ways to help them manage. I guess Blue wants to make sure I'm on the job.

My kids may asks a lot of questions and say a lot of unexpected things. One thing for sure...they keep me on my toes.

A Depressed Mind

2012-01-05T09:06:00.000-08:00

Their feelings lay across me
Heavy
Wet blanket
Weighing me down

Reality?
Blessings abound
Warmth
Mobility
Family
Love
Confessions
My Peeps
Community
Friends
Freedom
Writing
Mothering with purpose
Sans the weight of an employer's demands

I want for little
Yet, I want for much
I teach to count blessings
Yet, my thoughts are not pure
Why can't they be happy
Why is this so hard
Worries of their futures

The depressed mind emerges
Negativity boundless
Thinking warped
Blurry
Not clear
Outward smiles
Truth hidden
Giving
Giving
Give more
Ingratitude
Disrespect
Inward cries
Longing
Soothing Wine
Happy Pills?
Not happy enough
Heart lifts
Head spinning
swimming
drowning
knowing
you should be happy
you're not

Forward movement
I mother
I wife
I friend
I daughter
I advise
I search
I pray
I fight
This is my journey
God give me strength

Happy New Year?

2012-01-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

I'd like to start the New Year with all goodness and light, and my positive resolutions...but that is not my truth. New Year's Eve starts off fine. My husband and I have the entire house to ourselves for a few hours, which is a rare treat. We have a quiet, champagne infused dinner. We watch a movie in silence, with the exception of the sound of our own laughter.

Where were the kids? God blessed us. Blue went out to spend time with his friend and his family...you know, people he can actually get along with. They had a blast! Dinner, bowling, games at his friend's house. His friend J's mom sends me pictures of him smiling...an expression I haven't seen since early Christmas morning.

Red...went off to a church function with his Pastor and family. Everything is all good until 10 p.m., when Red came home and started ranting about who knows what. Scratch!!!! Party's over! At least we had 3 hours of peace.

New Years Day, the anxiety about starting school sets in and Red is hell bent on fixating about it until the point of meltdown by the evening. We try to mitigate the situation by taking the family out to one of their favorite places, "Fry's Electronics" for a little shopping. Then off to Red's favorite restaurant for dinner, "BJ's". He sits at the table with the ugliest mug he could possibly put on his face...as if he was being water-boarded and tortured there at his favorite place. This was enough to make hubby want to walk out after we got our drinks. After dad threatens to walk out...he changes his attitude long enough to eat and order dessert. After that...it's on! Full steam ahead towards meltdown!

His mind is on school that would start the following day.

"I'm not going to school tomorrow! I hate that school! I hate my teachers! They treat me like I'm a baby! They don't give me any freedom!" etc.
"I'm not going to sleep tonight! I'm going to stay up all night playing games!"

A little tricky micky said otherwise. Gave him a little medicine to help him calm down and by 9:30 p.m. He was out like a light!

Now what idiot in our school district decided to start school on Monday, January, 2nd...I do not know. But it was a dumb move! No time for transitioning from the holidays. Families are traveling, etc. Every other school in the area and across the country, starts on the 3rd or after. I was really annoyed. Me not being a rule follower and all...I had half a mind to keep them out for the day. In truth, it doesn't matter when they start...Red and most teens with Aspergers, would have a hard time transitioning back to the school schedule. Besides, I'd had about enough of both of both of them and could use the break. You know what they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder!"

Now Blue...is pretty happy to be back to his school routine. However, what we used to think was a miracle in the form of Abilify...has now become a bad dream. It's not working for him anymore. We have increased it, added to it, and still he is a ticking time bomb...ready to explode at any given moment. It probably has something to do with hormones. The loose schedule and the anxiety of Christmas doesn't help...but geez! My "easy" child has turned into...I don't know what. He's almost unrecognizable...at least here at home with his family.

After a long first day back at school, Blue has a D.I. (Destination Imagination) meeting. He comes home and goes bananas on his brother who is "Not playing the game right!" "I'm just trying to help him...but he's such an idiot! He won't listen to me!"

I feed him and get him out the door because he insists that he has to do his homework at the library. He gets home at 9 p.m. I ask him to take a shower. He goes ballistic! "I'm not doing it! It's too late! I have to go to bed early! Did you think of that?!" He argues a good 15 minutes...in which time, the shower could have been taken already. He finally gets in, but he's banging on the walls. In hindsight...I probably could have let this one go. But it was just the belligerent tone, and disrespect that made me stick to my guns. I felt like...if I start letting him get away with talking to me like shit and refusing to do things...it will only get worse.

He has worked himself up so much...that he is now too angry to go to sleep. The easy answer here is that he hasn't had any downtime. It's been an excruciatingly long day. But these kind of meltdowns were not happening a year ago. And even with the tweaks and additions to medication, they are happening more frequently. He becomes frustrated with himself. He hates feeling so out of control and angry.

"I hate being a teenager!" he says. I don't think I like all that much myself.

Oh yeah...Happy New Year! I don't know about that. Perhaps it will be...but not yet.

My Respite

2011-12-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

Every girl should have a friend like the one I call my sister and Bestie. Not to say that I'm Oprah...but she is my Gayle. She is one of very few people in this world that I can be totally honest with, and not be judged. We share secrets and confidences. We are always there to love and support one another through good times and not so good times. We can say anything to each other...feelings are never hurt. She makes me look at my life with honesty and integrity. She tells me the truth and I do the same for her. She is my conscience, my advisor, my life-coarch. I try my best to be the same to her. We are totally different in many ways, and yet we are the same in so many others. She lovingly provides a place for me to hide away from my life periodically. This time, she showed me such love and generosity...I am left standing in awe and gratitude.

Usually about once per month or so, I gladly take the 2 and 1/2 hour drive away from my family to go see her. Although I don't like driving, the trip down there is usually great. I play my music loud. I sing and dance in the car, so happy to be getting a break. The trip back is somehow longer and harder. This time however, my sister/friend sent me a plane ticket! I got to take a 30 minute flight, instead of a nearly 3 hour drive. What a luxury! Well, except for the going through security where I had the pleasure of having my first body scan and pat down. Woo hoo!

This time her tween girls were at home instead of at their Dad's for the weekend. One of the girls graciously gives up her room for me to sleep in. She has a very comfortable king-size bed. They allow me to shut the door and take naps if I want to. My friend's husband is also so gracious to me. You would think he hates to see his wife's gabbing best friend coming through the door...again! Nope...he is great! He knows me well, so he makes sure there is always plenty of wine and champagne in the house. Therefore, the need for naps. This time he even drove to take us shopping!

There is a new addition in their family. I not only have my lovely niece/godchild to hug, kiss and play with. I also get lots of cuddle time with my new nephew! He is 2 months old. I get to feed him, and change him. I think that is the entire reason I was put on this earth...to love and take care of babies. It's just too bad, they have to grow into teenagers! :-D

On Saturday evening the family included me in their annual Christmas tradition of going to see The Nutcracker. As you know, I have boys who have no interest in seeing a ballet. Although, suddenly they had curiosity about it because I was going...without them.

Let me just say...it was a magical evening. I am always so impressed by what dancers can do with their bodies. I don't have the body frame to be a ballerina, but I certainly wish I could spend hours a day working on my body's strength and toning. A girl can dream right?

I have known these little girls since they were toddling around!
Look at them now!

The entire family is loving, generous and gracious the entire time I am there. I hate to say it, but it's true. It's such a stark contrast to my life at home. Where everything is tense, argumentative, and I am constantly avoiding land-mines. The respite that they provide for me is invaluable and one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am eternally grateful for their love and friendship. They are my other family...and yes, my husband is jealous!

This weekend that I am writing about happened a couple of weeks ago. I'm already ready to go back! Thank you sister-friend. I love you.

All I Want for Christmas Is Some San-i-Ty

2011-12-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

Editorial Note: If you're looking for a warm and fuzzy Christmas story. Move on...it ain't happening here.

Sitting at the kitchen table over left-over macaroni and cheese, I browse through Facebook on my new Kindle Fire. Yep...that's right, Papa's in trouble. He bought a new electronic device for me to be obsessed with...to loose myself in. I escape the madness all around me by peering into other people's lives on Facebook, Twitter and blogs. As I peruse through statuses and pictures, of all of these "normal" lives. Tonight it hits me....we are not sitting around with family enjoying the holidays. We are walking around on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid setting off a bomb in our own home.

The climax that we've been leading up to for well over a month is shamefully, anti-climatic. The hundreds of dollars, days and hours spent preparing for Christmas feel all for not. No one around this freakin' camp is happy! (Well...I'm happy about my new Kindle and that my husband has been eerily nice to me). The boys however, were happy for all of a few hours on Christmas day. Not long after opening their gifts, they were off on-line trying to figure out how to spend the Christmas money they received from our relatives on what was not under the tree. Instead of enjoying all that is right in front of them they are looking for more.

When I tell them that next year we will do things differently. We will take the surprise element completely out of it to cut down on some of the anxiety. "Nooo!" They sing in unison. "That's what Christmas is all about Mom. You can't do that." Wanna bet!

"No my dears...that is NOT what Christmas is all about. Christmas is about the birth of Christ. It's about giving to others. It's about enjoying our friends and family. None of which is what is going on here in this house."

I read the status of Blue's best friend J's mom which says, "Listening to J play his guitar. What fun!" "That is great!" I reply. I press enter and suddenly, I loose it! Tears just start falling uncontrollably. Pictures of my happy family in California all together enjoying Christmas run through my mind.

Friends of ours are enjoying simple, joyful festivities all over the country with their "normal" families. Here is J's family, (and J also has Aspergers, by the way) is enjoying family time together playing the guitar, while my Aspergers child is sitting here having one meltdown after another.

He has run away today. He was only gone for 30 minutes. My head was pounding so hard, I didn't even go an look for him. He picked up a knife and threatened to hurt himself today. Then he is remorseful yet, upset with himself for behaving this way. He says, he feels out of control and that his doctor is not helping him.
"I HATE Dr. So and So! She's not helping me! This is her fault!" He says irrationally.

The triggers??? Well...let's see, "Can you guys buy me a movie, because I can't spend my money on that. I have to buy something else." Uh...No we can not. We're all spent out. Are you kidding me? They have no idea that the bills from Christmas still have to be paid. We did most of our shopping online...for convenience. But when that credit card bill comes in...we plan on paying it...in full! We are not buying another thing! Especially when everything we've already bought has not caused happiness. In fact, it's caused meltdowns.

When Blue recovers from that meltdown. I'm thinking...that's it for the day. No! I am wrong. At 8:30 p.m. he asks can he have company. Uh...No. It's a little late to be asking a friend to come over. Not to mention we are all recuperating from your last meltdown. This brings on another rant. This is unreal!

As I am sitting at the kitchen table...he sees me loosing it. I believe this is a first. I don't ever remember crying in front of him before. I'm just so tired of doing anything and everything to hopefully produce an ounce of happiness from these kids. From the things we buy them, to the places we take them, to the therapy and medication. Nothing seems to be working right now! I feel so helpless!

Dad escaped to the movies for a couple of hours, because he was about to loose it. He doesn't have half the patience that I do. That would not be pretty, so I sent him off for a few hours.

The boys, try to comfort me for all of 10 minutes. Before they move on to making cookies. (Hey...at least I didn't have to make them.) I just couldn't pull myself together. In a way, I think it's good for them to see the emotion....for them to know that they are not the only ones who can loose it. I am human and not always a pillar of strength. I have limits.

Of course...I will go on. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. Yada yada yada!

Thank you to my Facebook Community friends for the prayers and positive thoughts. I love you all.

Christmas Cheers and Christmas Tears

2011-12-24T12:21:00.000-08:00

My Dear Bloggy Friends,

I have missed you all over the past week or so. I am not the most organized person in the world. In fact...I'm on the opposite end of that spectrum. So I have been pretty darn busy preparing for the holidays.

This year I had the added pleasure of helping my mom shop and prepare for her trip to see my brother in California. That was an interesting experience. My mother worked in retail for like 25 years. Yet, suddenly she doesn't know how to shop for herself. Thank God...she'll be there running his life for 2 weeks, and not here chiming in on every meltdown in her attempt to "help," which usually only makes matters worse.

School has been out for a week now...anxiety has risen to an all-time high. So it's just been a barrel of fun around here. I am so busy attending to the details of Christmas all while trying to prevent World War 3 right here in my own home. It's been one meltdown after the next. Thankfully, or sadly (I'm not sure) they are taking turns with their breakdowns. It almost has a kind of musicality to it. First one, then the other, over things that in the scheme of life, are not really important. They want what they want, and they want it now. Of course to them, each issue is very serious.

The thing is...the meltdown isn't really about the thing they are yelling about. It's about the floating schedule, the unpredictability of each day, the change from the tight schedule of school to the loose schedule of vacation, the anxiety over all of the possibilities of Christmas and what they will be getting. And this year there are no trips scheduled. Trips, are usually an added source of stress. Who knew having no trips is ALSO an added source of stress. Talk about irony!

Red -the 16 year-old is consistently bored...though he's enjoying the benefit of our new television and Blue-Ray player. He doesn't reach out to any friends to get together, but he is bitching and moaning because he's bored. "Everyday is the same he says." Wait a minute...shouldn't that be a good thing?

"Are you in school?"
"No."
"Do you get to sleep in?"
"Yes."
"Do you get to relax and watch movies on our brand new television?"
"Yes."
"Have you gone out to eat a few times?"
"Yeah"
"Christmas is around the corner and you have gifts to look forward to right?"
"Yeah"
"Then it sounds to me that you have a few things to be grateful for. Now if you choose not to realize that. That's a choice."

Blue is on the edge because of the change in schedule, and the anxiety over his Christmas list, which he continues to revise every, single, day! He finds these inadvertent things that he needs me to help him with "RIGHT AWAY", when I'm on my way out the door to shop, or finally relaxing after a long day of his brother's meltdowns. Last night, he actually threatened to run-away. He says, "I'd rather be homeless than live with this unhappy family!" Such lovely words to hear from your child 2 days before Christmas. I went to bed feeling very sad and very exhausted.

I have decided to cancel Christmas for next year. At least...I am canceling the way we did it this year. There will be no freakin' surprises. They will name 3 gifts, within a budget. If 1 of your gifts is large, that takes up your entire budget. That's it! Jesus got 3 gifts. He didn't complain that they were too small, not the latest version or what everyone else has.

I would really like to replace Christmas with a vacation on the beach somewhere...just chillin. In truth, that would probably cause more meltdowns than it's worth.

On Twitter the autism community has been posting these comments with the hashtag #YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf. One of my post was #YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf...you're trying to figure out how NOT to have so much family togetherness for the holidays.

Well...Cheers to Christmas day my peeps! I hope that you and your family can enjoy the true reason for the season.

Let's hope it starts looking up from here. If not, I have plenty of wine, Baileys, and spiked Egg Nog.

After all, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!" As the song says.

Merry Christmas!

Ups, Downs & Turn Arounds

2011-12-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

I wrote yesterday about the just wonderful weekend from hell that we had "Dear Blog".
Today, Red has an appointment scheduled with his Psychiatrist, which is right on time. I decide to also sneak Blue in to see her as well. We're driving down there on this soupy, gray, foggy morning during rush hour traffic. Huh!
"Where are all of these people going?" asks Blue.
"To work," I reply.
"Well...why did you schedule an appointment at this time?" asks Red, as if the two of them actually have to navigate this traffic. As if, they are both in a hurry to get where? Back to school?? The place that they complain about 24/7?
"I scheduled the appointment at this time, because this is the time she had available. She's a busy woman."

Ups
Red is actually on a real high note. He's been smiling, being positive...showing affection and care for his brother's bad moods. It's been a little eerie...good...but still, eerie. It probably has something to do with the fact that a female friend gave him her number the other day. "I just want to be her friend. I'm going to take things slow," he says. I only pray that he is capable of doing that. History says otherwise. I hate to be negative...but I am not looking forward to going down this road.

So when we get to the doctors office...he presents as this happy-go-lucky kid that we don't recognize. He has completely forgotten about fighting with his father a week ago and yelling at us because we all, "make him so mad!" this past weekend. "Everything is going great!" he tells the doctor.

Downs
Blue is honest in telling her about his spontaneous combustion and frustrations with home and school i.e., his anxiety, inability to ask for and/or accept help from adults, his peers who seriously annoy him. She adds Intuniv, 1mg. to his repertoire (fingers crossed along with eyes and toes). Not to mention..cha ching! goes the wallet!

Later, Red comes home from school with face hanging down. He had a relatively good day I am told by the school Psychologist. However, at the end of the day, he somehow started to get overwhelmed with emotion and actually got teary when talking with one of his teachers. His mind is over-processing this new adventure into making friends with girls. Then a friend of his told him that he was thinking of "hurting himself" because a girl is being mean to him. All of this was just too much for Red to process.

Turn-Arounds
I put on a funny t.v. show and leave him sitting in front of it, while I run out to take Blue to Art Lessons. By the time I get back home, Red is laughing at the t.v. and chatting on Facebook.

Blue comes home in a relatively good mood, but then it goes downhill when he asks me to read his memoir and I make the mistake of giving him a few grammatical corrections. "I didn't ask you to correct it! I asked you to read it! You're too picky!"
Well...exCUUSE ME!! I walk away without another word.
He ends up apologizing before bed.
"I'm sorry that we just can't get along mom. I really don't want to argue with you. It's like...I just can't help it."
Ugh! Blow to the gut! Painfully sad, yet touching me deeply.

I remember working for a mental health agency in my 20's. This time of year was always tough. The clients would all be falling apart. I thought it was because of baggage from their past, or something they felt was missing in their lives during the holidays. Who knew someday...this would be my reality? And there is really no rhyme or reason to it all. I am praying that next two weeks will get better. That they will relax and enjoy our downtime. Yet, I am cautiously afraid that they won't.

My personal Facebook Status yesterday was this:

"I can't believe this is my life." I'm not saying it's bad. I'm not saying it's good. I'm just sayin...

Despite it all...I try to keep my sense of humor. Actually, if I didn't...I'd be in the nuthouse for sure! So I will end this post on a funny note:

The other day, Red decides to look for something at the last minute, making himself miss the bus and making everyone late that day. He shuts down...lays on the couch and refuses to move.

"I'm not going to school today! I'm just too tired!"

Now recently he was baptized and told us that he is going to be trying his best to follow the example of Christ. So I pull this question on him, "Do you think Jesus Christ would be laying on the couch, yelling at his parents, refusing to go to school?"

He replies swiftly in his matter-of-fact, flat, monotone voice, "Jesus didn't have to go to school. He already knew everything."

HA! "And how do you know that?" I ask.

"Because he's God's son. He knew everything when God sent him down here."

"Well...you don't know everything so you better get your but up and get ready to go to school!"

Life is just a bed of Roses...without the thorns removed.

Dear Blog...

2011-12-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

I am missing you. Haven't seen you for a few days. When that happens...it makes me a little sad. You are in many ways one of my closest friends. The one I tell my secrets too...for all the world to see. (Wait a minute...that's an oxymoron.)

Why have I been away you ask? Well guess what? I've had a few hellacious days with my lovely children. I don't know if it's the full moon...the pull of the earth...anxiety flying around in the atmosphere? Maybe it's the holidays approaching and all of the stress that comes along with this "Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

Christmas used to be my favorite season you know. Two straight weeks of parties, events, dressing up, sleeping in. Now it's a month's worth of work! Preparation, shopping, decorating, sending cards, cooking, deescalating meltdowns, refereeing fights, cooling anxieties. Oh and let's not forget pulling teeth to get my husband to help me with all of this. He is the official Grinch who stole Christmas. He's always a little bit grumpier around this time of year, because of the work that's involved and the money that we spend. Bah Humbug! For some mysterious reason, he always disappears for at least 2 business trips right before the holiday.

So Sunday was the biggest day from Hell that I've seen in quite sometime. It started off with Red going off and being rude for no apparent reason, other than "We all make him so mad!" This was by the way...during Church. Isn't that lovely. Hell...during church. That is...church right here in our living room via internet. He is usually gone to HIS church during this time, but he slept in today. Lucky us! So he decided to disrupt our service.

He finally pulled it together and actually reached out to his Pastor who invited him to come to a youth event at church that evening. He showered up and pulled out his video camera and off he went. I believe they prayed with him while he was gone. One issue down...check!

Once we get Red calm...Blue decides to have a meltdown or 2 or 3. I'm not even sure what they were all about, but it went on and off all day long, no matter what I did to try to sooth him. Warm baths, yoga, comedy shows on t.v., baking cookies.

We haven't seen him act like this since before he started taking any medication. Actually, we were trying to make an adjustment to one of the meds. (Big Part of the Problem) We tried reducing it, because it appeared to be making him tired. Well he completely fell apart. Have I told you lately how frustrating this freaking medication issue is? I HATE IT! It makes you feel so completely helpless when things go wrong. You question your decision to give it to them in the first place. You blame yourself, and curse the fact that they actually need it...no matter how much you don't want them to.

It's so disheartening to watch your child go through such pain and frustration. I have a tendency to get a side order of sympathy anxiety myself when one of them is so upset. Why can't I just watch it like a bad movie and not actually feel every inch of their pain? I guess that comes along with the package of being their mother.

Anyhoo...I'm glad to come back to see you dear Blog. Not only are you a dear friend...you are my free therapist. Thank you for being here when I need you. You don't always solve my problems, but you are a wonderful release valve.

p.s. Readers...no time to edit this writing. Hope you get the picture. Not much time available for beautiful writing during this lovely season.

College?

2011-12-09T07:42:00.001-08:00

We're driving past the local community college campus when Red asks, "Is that the college I'll be going to?"
"I guess so...unless you live down in Austin and go to a campus near where you live?"
"What do you mean? I'm going to live with you...right?"
"Maybe...maybe not." If you can't be respectful of our home and our rules...you're out on your keester buddy!
Of course, I'm not going to just kick him to the curb...but I want him to think that it's a possibility.

He is stunned...stumped...confused to say the least. I am actually trying to shock him a little bit into reality. I go on to explain that he could have his own apartment with a roommate. He can't even imagine that. He wants the best of everything...all of the comforts that will come along with living with us, instead of having to work hard to take care of himself. He must have a big screen t.v. and a really nice computer. He may not be able to afford all of that on his own.

"Community College only takes 2 years Mom. I may not be ready to move by then."
"It could take 2 years if you are carrying a full load, but since they don't make accommodations like you're getting now...it will probably take you longer because you will have to take less classes."
"What do you mean they don't make accommodations!?" he asks incredulously.
"Going to college is a privilege not a right. You have to study for test. You have to do the assignments as given. You will have to do homework and you will have to take some classes that you may not like if you want a Bachelor's degree. They may assist you with some things, but there will be no modified curriculum and shortened assignments."

He looks at me like I'm from another planet. He can't believe the audacity of these schools...making people do all of this work! Why should you have to take classes that you're not interested in? Why should he have to do all of that reading and work on his own time...at home. That's ridiculous! You see Red really only wants to do what HE wants to do. Anything that he doesn't really want to do seems overwhelming. I really think that if he could just sit back and take handouts from us for the rest of his life...he would. However, that offer is not on the table. He is smart. He is talented and he will have to use those talents and put them to work to pay for this grandiose life that he wants.

"You can do anything you want to do." I tell him. "If you don't want to go to college and take classes you don't like...that's fine. You can into a technical program where you learn more about graphics and film editing. You can still have a good life if you take your skills and make them better and be willing to work hard. Laziness is not a part of your disability. That is a choice you can make, but be prepared for a meager life."
Later when we get home...the conversation continues.
"So If I don't go to college and get a Bachelor's degree, can I still be rich?" Rich??? This kid wants to be rich without the work that's involved. Now THAT's rich!
"I don't know if you'll be rich. But if you work hard and focus on your talents...you will be able to take care of yourself and hopefully some day, be able to take care of your family. Many people with Aspergers have good jobs. It is not a sentence to a meager life. It's all about choices. And I can't make the choices for you. You have to make them yourself."

This boy really scares me!

Bullying the Supercop -Part Deaux

2011-12-08T08:35:00.001-08:00

If you read yesterday's post , you know that Blue made a formal complaint about the Shoe Licker yelling out his ID number to the whole class. Yes, it was a major scandal...Identity Theft, middle school style. I was told that the child was given some "heavy consequences"(whatever that means). Blue was not happy with the results of his meeting with the Vice Principal. When he comes home from school, a meltdown ensues as he is telling me about the meeting. Apparently, it was pointed out to him, the roll that he is playing in the situation. He doesn't believe that he has a role.

It has been stated by a teacher that Blue actually will cross the room to go and engage with the students that he complains about. He says, "I don't know what they're talking about! I don't do that! They come up to me." Perhaps he didn't cross the room in this last case, maybe he hasn't done it lately. If he has, he doesn't remember. He feels like he is being called a liar. I can not say for sure what is happening. I can say that I have seen this kind of behavior here at home. He treats his older brother like his child. He must chime in on all house rule infractions. He just can't seem to control this compulsion.

Luckily, he was invited out for dinner with a friend to celebrate his friend's birthday last night. He had to pull it all together to go. That boy doesn't like to miss a meal! After he returned and did a little homework, he was in a better mood for listening. We talked about the only person whose behavior he can control is his. He can not let himself be defined by these annoying people and THEIR behavior choices...advice that I received from my friend InnerAspie. There is a fine line between annoying behaviors and bullying behaviors. They are not trying to threaten or intimidate him. They are trying to be amused by his over-reaction. He gives them a huge pay off for their troubles.

I also gave him the example of this bitch who stole my parking spot the other day at the mall. (No I didn't use the word bitch to him...sure wanted to.) I wanted to ram her car with mine, like in "Madea Goes to Jail." But then perhaps...I would have gone to jail. I could have scratched her car with my keys. Sure thought about it. I could have cursed her out, like I wanted to. Instead, I let her know that what she did was rude and that she was wrong! I saw red, my mind was temporarily clouded with anger. I almost went to that real, ugly place. I chose not to let her behavior put me in the extremely negative place that I could have easily jumped into.

Blue has a lot to learn and a lot of work to do in learning how to control his reactions. He is in this really intense anxiety phase right now where he is ready to go ballistic at the least infraction. This doesn't help matters. He is so tense right now, it's palpable.

We will continue to work on this issue. In the meantime, I have asked the school to give him more inclusion support in this particular class. Someone who knows him well, needs to be in there to support him through this rough patch...to create a safer, more sane environment for him and the other children involved. Did I mention they have a permanent sub in this class while the teacher is out on Maternity leave? Oh yeah...fun times!

Bullying the SuperCop

2011-12-07T08:20:00.001-08:00

Blue comes home very upset yesterday after school. I know...what else is new right? He says to me, "This kid went on the computer and looked up my ID number! Then he yelled it out in front of all of these people! They all know my ID number and they were saying out loud. They're going to steal my lunch money!"

Who knew...there is a problem with identity theft in middle school?

This is the same kid I've talked about before...the Shoe Licking Kid. This kid just irritates the heck out of my boy. He knows for sure that he can get a pay off. If I say this...he will blow a gasket! Is he really bullying? Is he really trying to intimidate Blue. I don't really think so. He's just trying to be a pain int he ass and it's working.

According to Blue however, there are four of these kids who make an effort to tease and make fun of him in some way shape or form almost daily. "They come up to me and say these things to me while I'm trying to work. They distract me and make me feel uncomfortable. They make me feel like not coming to school everyday."

A big part of the issue for Blue is that he really would like to control his environment to include other people's behavior. He does this at home with his brother. He has to chime in on every single action his brother takes. It's really like he can't control himself. He brings attention to himself at school by playing this role of SuperCop. My husband was there for a meeting once and he saw it in action. He sees a bunch of kids horsing around outside. He yells, "Hey you kids! Cut that out!" Totally...none of his business. Yet, he really can not see that this plays any part in kids making him a target. He just feels that it's unfair that they treat him this way.

I validate and understand his feelings. I don't want these kids making him feel bad. He says to me last night, "I just need someone to help me. I need someone to be on my side. I just want to do my work without anyone bothering me." All I could say is, "I understand." Whenever I try to address the issue of the role that he plays...he gets angry with me.

He does have a right to go to school and be comfortable and not have to worry about creepy kids coming up to him and saying irritating things. I just don't know how much of that can actually be controlled. They are not threatening him...or intimidating him, but they are still making him feel bad.

He made an incident report this morning about the identification theft. He wrote an excellent review of the situation. "I've have various incidences with this student." He's tired of it. Quite frankly, so am I.

Crazy Funky Dreary

2011-12-04T19:25:00.001-08:00

"Clearly you have to drink in order to live with these people." -My Facebook quote from Saturday night.

Well this has been a fun weekend...NOT! We got a new big screen T.V. for our living room. My chairs are falling apart, but we have a new 55 inch T.V.! No...it wasn't completely my husband's idea. We've been talking about it for a while. We've also been talking about the chairs for a while, but he beat me to the punch, I guess. You know, we've got to keep up with those Joneses (whoever they are).

Since we have a flat screen upstairs...we have all gotten a little spoiled and don't want to watch movies as much in our living room with the older projection t.v. Our extra visual boys of course like the best of all things technical. They have been watching t.v. and movies more in our room because we have the Blu-Ray player up here. My husband hates when the 16 year-old lays in our bed to watch a movie. That was also part of the reason for buying the new t.v. for downstairs. Hubby can be very territorial when it comes to our private space.

We also thought getting the new t.v. would be a great early Christmas present for the family and that the boys would love it! Surprise! They do love it. Initially, they were so excited when they saw it. Unfortunately, it's been mostly down hill from there. Red thinks we bought this say...um...just for him. He's obsessed with it. He wants to completely control it. He wants to blast the sound of his movies through the house, with no consideration for others who are not watching said movie.

The underlying trigger is he had kind of a rough day at school on Thursday because of an unexpected fire-drill. An alarm went off because of some kind of smoke detector defect. The result? Students were stuck outside for well over an hour. He was not with his Special Ed. tracking teacher at the time. He ended up getting kind of displaced. Mind you...this is what he's been wanting. He wants to be with all of the "normal" kids (as if there is such a thing). The kids end up all getting into a big huddle. There was some improvisational rapping. He hates rap! He hates crowds really. He hates when teens are loud, cursing and wild...you know being teens. But for some reason, he thinks he wants to be a part of it. That is until he actually is a part of it, and he doesn't know what to do.

He starts to get extremely agitated. Luckily, a few teachers recognize this and they escort him to his tracking teacher. By this time he is loud, agitated, looking angry, pacing and complaining non-stop. He is deeply disturbed by his not being able to handle the situation. He is disturbed because he saw a few friends and talked to them for a while, but somehow they ended up disappearing and he had no idea what to do. He couldn't find anyone he knew.

The agitation was mitigated the when he saw the new t.v. But the anger, and depression is still boiling beneath the surface. So when Dad comes in and turns the sound down on the movie, because it is vibrating through the whole house...Red goes ballistic! Everything he felt the day before at school erupted right here at home, where he is most comfortable. Lucky us! I guess we should be happy that it didn't happen at school.

It got really...really ugly. He basically attacked his father, physically. This has only happened once before. He was completely out of body...like another person. We gave him something to calm himself down, but when these things happen, there is collateral damage. Blue witnessed it...it made him completely anxious. My mom instinctively reacts...not really helpful. It completely sucks the life out of the entire family. Everyone is left feeling...sad, drained, defeated and exhausted.

The following day, he is full of apologies that sound sincere but what do they really mean? Will his actions change in the future? Will he ever get to the point where he can control these outbursts? How will he make it in the world with this kind of behavior? Do we need to adjust medicine again???? Ugh!

Red is always looking for the next big thing that will suddenly make his life better. That elusive thing over THERE...will finally make him happy. That new TV, THOSE new friends, a girlfriend, the new technical gadget, or program for his computer. That has to be it! That has to be the trick to solving all of my problems. It's too hard for me to fix myself. In fact...it's impossible, in his eyes. So if I just do this, if I just get that...suddenly my life will be better.

If I could give him happiness in a box...I certainly would. In fact, it would solve a lot of my problems, because I'd be rich! Instead, I am left feeling depleted. What else can I do to help this boy be a little happier? I need to find him a new therapist. That's it! I'll take him to a new doctor. Maybe that will do it. I will help him find some new friends. That has to work!

The truth is that there are days when I feel like nothing that I do will actually work. It doesn't keep me from continuously trying. At times, I feel like giving up. I certainly had a few of those moments on this crazy, funky, dreary weekend.

On Sunday morning, I felt like escaping into my writing instead of listening to a sermon at church. I forced myself to listen anyway. The message I received from the Pastor was, "Never give up. God is there for you. The next good thing may be just around the corner."

And there you have it...the answer I needed to hear. It may not be the magic answer, but it will help me to keep looking.

Sex Education or Not?

2011-12-02T07:37:00.001-08:00

I have already raised 2 boys through the 7th grade. One is now 23, typical and thank God...out of my house. The other is 16, with Aspergers. and in the 10th grade. So you would think I have a few things figured out by now. Both of these boys have been through Sex Education presentations without even a blip on the radar. In fact, they probably enjoyed it immensely. Red, the 16 year-old has loved girls since before he could talk. My 23-year old became a lover of the ladies in middle school. Fortunately, none of them loved him back until about the 2nd year of high school. I could write a whole book on his misadventures with girls...but I won't go there.

Well...each and every child is different. Just like each person with Aspergers, although they may have similar traits ...Aspergers shows itself differently in each individual. So every once in a while...these boys still stump me. Blue has always said, "I'm never getting married. I don't want any kids. They cost too much money, and I never...ever want to have sex!" (I know...famous last words.)

Coming out of 6th grade last year, there was a girl who caught his eye. "She's really nice to me. It's like she gets me," he says to me.

"But I just want to be like her really good friend."

This year...there is another girl, but he won't talk about it much. Whatever the attraction is...it's not too serious. There have been no phone numbers exchanged...no e-mailing or texting. Probably just the occasional glance and exchange of pleasantries.

When the permission slip comes home for the 7th grade Sex Education presentation...he is quite adamant that he wants no parts of it. I had exempted him from it last year. This year, I forgot to sign the exemption. His special education tracking teacher calls me yesterday and assures me that it is important from an educational stance. She reminds me of how adamant he was that he could not deal with the biology, and human body sections of 7th grade Science, and so far he has done great with that.

Another friend of ours had previewed the presentation for her boys who also have autism. Dad and I agree to have him go ahead to the presentation with supports in place if he gets overwhelmed. I later receive a phone call that he did fine.

When he comes home from school...he is livid! There is really no talking to or reasoning with him at this point. What does mommy do? She takes him out for ice-cream. Ice-cream makes everything better...at least temporarily. Later that night...when dad comes home, the emotions flair again. There are tears of frustration.

"Why? Why? Why? Why did you do it? Why did you make me go? Why do I have to learn about this? It was so disgusting! I don't want to do any of that stuff!"

We try to explain it from an educational point of view. "You need to know these things so that when others give you false information...and inevitably they will, you will know the truth. You will be able to help your friends if they come to you to talk about things like this." He loves to educate his friends. . Of course we talk about STD's...the importance of knowing what is appropriate and what is inappropriate sexual behavior, etc. He isn't really buying any of our sales pitch.

I take to my fabulous Facebook "Confessions" community for advice, support and hopefully some answers. Everyone there is very supportive. My favorite answer however, comes from someone who is an Aspie herself and also a mother of children on the spectrum. Inner-Aspie had this to say:

"As a 33 yo married aspie woman with 3 kids, and a healthy sex life who STILL to this day is absolutely mortified if I even think I'm going to see someone on TV naked, I'd say let him have a pass on the video, but most definitely not on the education. He can learn the facts with someone he trusts, and not in a crowded room with his peers. Please listen to your kids when they say something is uncomfortable. Just because it seems inconsequential and not a big deal to you doesn't mean it's not to us. The reason we can get so upset so easily is because we feel not listened to. I'm not trying to judge any of you(so please don't take my words wrong), but just trying to give you a glimpse into what it feels like to be on the other side. I actually preview movies before watching with my husband to be sure there won't be any sex scenes. The feelings of embarrassment, and shame of seeing these sorts of things in front of anyone else is very strong to me and not something I'd appreciate mocked by anyone. I get upset (what you might see as angry and irrational) when I feel my opinion and feelings aren't valued and it makes me feel less of a human when people make jokes about it, or dismiss me because they don't understand my opinion."

I am so thankful for this insight and for the blessing of the community on Facebook and Twitter that I have connected with. I immediately share this with my husband. Lightbulbs are going off inside our heads. Blues feelings deserve validation. We need to find a more creative way to facilitate his education on this subject here at home. That's it. Done deal.

This morning I write a note and hand deliver it to his Special Ed. tracking teacher. Blue comes into the room where the 3 of us have a private conversation about the whole matter. It turns out, that a big part of the issue for him is that he made the error of talking to a peer about his feelings.

The peer asked him, "So are you freaked out about the Sex Talk?" Blue answers, "What if the teachers take their clothes off to demonstrate?" Of course, the kid found this to be hilarious. (Have to admit...I would have laughed too!) Unfortunately, this kid shared the sentiment with the young lady that Blue has a little crush on. Yes...totally humiliating. "I don't want her to have weird thoughts about me," he says to us.

After further discussion about the benefits of this knowledge, Blue decides that he will give it the college try this afternoon. He will go...but he has the option to leave, if he gets too overwhelmed. This was TOTALLY HIS DECISION. I am really proud of him. We'll see how it goes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

That boy just amazes me. I never knew I could love like this.

P.S. You can find The Inner Aspie blog HERE.

Not Everyone is Your Friend

2011-11-30T07:04:00.001-08:00

Friends
How many of us have them?
Friends
One's we can depend on.
Friends
Before we go any further...Let's be friends. --Whodini

This was Red's Facebook status last night:

"Why is it that I have to try so hard to be someone's friend and be nice to them and they don't really talk back to me? I feel that it is always me who has to talk to them. Why is it always me that has to talk first? I give them plenty of time to speak. It really makes me frustrated when friends do that. And I don't even know if these people are my friend. That's why I don't add everybody on Facebook. Because not everyone is your friend."

He got good feedback from a few friends (typical teens I might add). They told him the same thing that I always do, "Join a club where you can find people with mutual interest. Friendships take time. Don't worry things will work out." Hopefully, he will believe them. He certainly doesn't believe me.

In some ways, he is wise beyond his years, "Everyone is not your friend." On the other hand, his feelings break my heart. He has come so far in a years time. He has more friends than he had a year ago. He is now in a much more supportive school environment. But he is still reaching for the stars...he wants to be friends with THOSE people over there!

"I want to be friends with normal kids!"

"Why do all of my friends have to have special needs?"

"Why do I have to have this stupid Aspergers?! It's not fair!"

How about be happy that you don't have to eat lunch alone...that there are people who seek you out and want to be your friend? That's not good enough. He wants to reconnect with peers from his elementary school that he hasn't seen in 4 years. He is back in our home-school where he knows more people from the past. He wants to go into the loud cafeteria and sit with them. Although, they have probably already formulated groups that will be difficult to break into, which will really make him angry when they don't all turn around and make him the center of attention. He has no idea how to have idle chit-chat about the non-sensical things that typical teens talk about. He is not seeing things the way they are...or the way they will be. He sees them in this fantasy medium...the way he WANTS them to be. I can't tell him that though. He doesn't believe me.

Some people with Aspergers can't stand being around a lot of people and the energy that it takes to maintain conversations, much less friendships with people who really don't "get" them. Not my boy...he is longing to be a part of the popular crowd. Well...I want to be skinny and have smooth, silky clear skin like the airbrushed models in magazines. Anyone have any miracles for sale...cheap?

He's right about one thing...you shouldn't have to work so hard for friendships. You shouldn't have to always be the person who speaks first, or who calls more. A real friend will seek YOU out as much as you seek them. Friendship should be mutual...it should develop naturally out of mutual interest, common ground and genuine feelings for one another. Red wants the average, typical teenager to understand his Aspergers and how he see's the world. It will be a miracle if this happens in the large group of typical teens that he wants to be a part of. Most teenagers are innately self-centered and into themselves...especially the popular ones. Unfortunately, they are not trying to take the time out to understand themselves...much less, understand someone complicated, mopey, and moody with special needs.

We are lucky if we find a handful of true friends over a lifetime. I have been truly blessed in that department. The thing is...I'm not picky. I love people who love me despite my high-maintenance craziness.

Friends Forever...

2011-11-28T07:42:00.001-08:00

Hello Lover! (I say in my Sarah Jessica Parker voice to my blog) I've missed you so. I haven't been able to write to you since school was out last week. They kept me busy almost every waking moment. You are my therapy...so yes, I've been going a little nuts with out you...my stress reliever.

Then there was the family vacation (an oxymoron) to visit our friends up in Dallas. I spent the days beforehand freaking out about it. How can we make this as smooth as possible for the boys? What kind of sleeping arrangement will work best? How will we get along with all of us in the car for hours at at time? Will all of that family togetherness send one of us over the edge? Surely it will! It always does. And this time we have my mom with us to boot! Add a new player to the game and the dynamics of the game will change. How will the boys handle it all? It's almost enough to make me completely change my mind about traveling.

Picture Taken in 2005
One of the biggest accomplishments in my life...
A 40-year friendship

We traveled to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with my oldest, dearest friends. These girls (sisters) I have known for nearly 40 years...I hate to say that out loud. But then again, it is something to be proud of. We have known each other since I was about 6 or 7 years old. We were neighbors who shared a common wall for most of our childhood into young adulthood. I spent more time sitting at their kitchen table than I did my own. Their house was the place to hang out. They were my sisters...their mother a second mom, who I could talk to about anything. Every song from that era is a memory of us hanging out together, singing into hair-brushes in front of the living room window..our audience...the rest of the world. From Earth, Wind and Fire to Natalee Cole, to The Emotions. Oh...Oh! Am I telling my age here?

Well of course we had a ball! It's simply a miracle and a blessing that we all grew up in Los Angeles, and now we live 3 hours from each other all the way here in Texas! Our mothers of course, also know and love each other. It was lovely for them to visit together as well. They had other family in from California, whom we all know and love. It was great to see them as well.

My husband, Big Papa rented an Escalade for us to drive up there in, so that we would have plenty of space to keep the boys apart, and all of the luxuries of satellite radio, and a DVD player to keep the kids occupied...hopefully. Was this enough to make Red happy? Of course not. When we got ready to leave home...he refused to get in the car. "I'm not going. I just want to stay home by myself." Anxiety kicking in as I knew that it would. What will it be like to spend all this time around my family? I'm not going to know anyone there? Although, we've spent time around these friends several times over the past 5 years since they lived up there.

Thanks to a special holiday deal, we got 2 suites and had the boys sleep in separate rooms so that there would be a little less family togetherness for them. They both got to sleep alone, on the let-out couches in each room. This worked out great! The only weird thing is...I slept in the room with my Mom and Blue while hubby slept in the room with Red. Of course, I did sneak over there to snuggle after everyone went to sleep.

The Thanksgiving party itself was great for us (adults)...very difficult for our Aspergers boys. The last time we spent Thanksgiving weekend with these friends, we actually stayed at their house. The boys played so well with their children. Now that they are teenagers...with Aspergers and so socially awkward, they did not connect at all with the kids there. And there were plenty of kids...cousins, friends from high-school and college who were dropping in and out. My boys felt totally out of place. It was actually pretty painful to watch.

The adults all engaged them in conversations...the teens...not so much. They were busy visiting with their cousins and friends. Blue and Red had too much anxiety too try to break into the conversations. Red especially, sits back and waits for people to engage him. If that doesn't happen then he feels bad. He has no idea what to do in these kind of situations. Blue doesn't usually have this problem, but because there were so many kids, I think that made it tough for him as well. My friend has a daughter who is about the same age as Blue. They really connected with in the past. This time she was shy and hardly had a word to say to him. What can you do with that? You can't make teenagers play together and engage each other.

Luckily for him, his best friends from school happened to also be in town. The twins were celebrating their 13th birthday on Thanksgiving day. Blue got to leave the uncomfortable situation and go to his friend's birthday party. Red loosened up a bit as time went on. He talked my friend's husband into paying him to complete a video project of the Thanksgiving party. He used his video camera to film everyone. Even that seemed to be slightly anxiety-ridden. He kept coming to me asking what he should do. He was especially anxious about filming the teenagers. He took periodic sensory breaks...sitting in a quiet place alone, playing "Angry Birds". Over and over again, as we are drinking and having fun he would come to me and say, "I'm ready to leave." I just ached for him, among all of these people who love and care about us and he just couldn't really enjoy it.

Why did I think that things would get easier for them as they got older? Some of the social awkwardness seems to get worse instead of better. It's funny though, no matter how much time passes between them seeing our extended family....the sense of comfort with their uncles, aunts and cousins seems to never go away.

I'll have to consider that when we finalize plans for Christmas...which will be here much faster than I would like for it to be.

Funny though, the following day after all of the parties were over...we went back for one final visit. It was much more comfortable and the boys didn't have to be there long. As they received their hugs good-bye I implored Red to show them all his beautiful smile. Everyone gave him a resounding applause and told him how handsome he is. My friend's mother Ms. J -gave him a wonderful hug.

In the car he said...Ms. J is really special to me. He felt her genuine love...as I have for almost 40 years.

Baptism Despite Me

2011-11-21T08:36:00.001-08:00

About 3 years ago Red started going to church with his friend of. Summer before last, they went to a christian sleep away Summer Camp (click to read that post). He comes home so excited about the experience of making new friends, being and being socially accepted. He participated in the Follies, where he and his friend sang a rock song and everyone gave him a standing ovation. He was hooked! In fact, his friend ended up having to leave camp because of some unacceptable behavior. Red stayed on and had a good time anyway.

He mentioned wanting to be baptized back then, but I wasn't quite sure if he really connected with what it meant. He has mentioned it from time to time, since then but he didn't seem all that serious about it. He continued to attend church, without me, for which, I was happy. There are so few things that he wants to do consistently without me. I welcomed the fact that he was doing something positive on his own.

Though, I am a follower of Christ...I do not actively practice organized religion. Since the kids were born and we moved to Texas, we have attended various churches...some more regularly than others. The boys never really liked any of the black, Baptist churches, with loud gospel music that I like. We tried several more ethnically diverse christian churches. These were better for the boys, but boring for me. Their attention spans are extremely short, so sitting and paying attention for any length of time, was impossible when they were younger. Getting out the door on time...another extreme challenge. One that I fight so hard during the week, I have little energy for it on the weekends.

My serious one, Blue, would sometimes hang on to part of the message, misinterpret it, and then be too freaked out to go back to that church. Regular church attendance became to be less and less practical for our family.

We have been attending church service via the internet for the past year and a half. It's the church that my brother-in-law and their family attends in Baltimore, Maryland. We hook it up to the t.v. and the speakers and have worship right here in our living room, with gospel music that we can adjust the volume as needed. While in Maryland this summer, we actually visited the church. It was sO LOUD! Though, we enjoyed meeting the pastor...OMgoodness there is no way, we could do that every Sunday.

Part of reason that I have not made going to church every Sunday a priority is by own religious background. I was raised in a very strict, religious household. We were Jehovah's witnesses, which was all encompassing part of our lives... services 3 times a week, and field service at least once. I came to absolutely loathe it by the time I reached high school. Others in the religion were very intrinsic in our lives. I felt I had too many people to answer to...instead of just answering to God, as it should be. By the time I was 17...I was done with it. I think subconsciously, I never wanted to make my children hate religion, church and me making them go. I want their faith and their connection with God to come from within.

Like many, I have doubts within my faith, but I very much believe in God and his son Jesus Christ and in following his example for my life. I have always felt it important to teach my children biblical principals, especially the principals that Jesus lived by during his time here on earth. Helping others in need, loving others...even our enemies. Blue has a real hard time with that one. "Why would we love our enemies?" asks my literal boy. The importance of being honest and respectful is essential in our home. I have taught them the sprit of giving and I try my best to teach them to be thankful for the blessings in their lives. Prayer is a part of our daily lives. We are however, imperfect sinners...constantly striving, but continually making human errors.

Despite me, the boys faith in God is just incredible. Blue has stopped us in the middle of a trip and said, lets hold hands and pray for our safety, and give thanks for this blessing. He teaches his friends the things that I've taught him about kindness and not making fun of others. And Red...he found his way to church without me. He found himself a small church full of pure, accepting, Christians...where the music is quiet and doesn't bother his senses. The environment is serene enough where he has been able to learn more biblical principals.

He comes to me last week and says, "I want to be baptized next Sunday." Memories flash through my mind of when my mom made me get baptized. She thought it was time. I felt forced. When I asked him why, he was very clear. "I want to try to follow the example of Christ. I know I won't be perfect, but I want to try. I know I've done things that are wrong in the past. And I just want to be a good person."

And so it came to be. On Sunday, as I looked on with tears in my eyes, my 16 year-old son testified as to his faith in the Lord in front of the entire congregation, which included our family. The congregation so small...that they all know and have come to love him. He was held in a loving embrace and baptized...

You Never Think About...

2011-11-17T08:04:00.001-08:00

As I lay in bed this morning...as I do every week day morning, I absolutely dread having to get up and awaken the boys. Red sets his own alarm and if he is so moved...he may actually get up and get dressed. But most days, he walks across the room, shuts off the alarm and then gets back in the bed...under the covers. I think Blue has given up on the alarm setting. If I had to bet, I would say that the meds he is taking make him sleep like a log. I try to wake them both as gently as I can. I give them extra time to lay around for a few extra minutes. Heaven forbid I rush them! I still dread the process!

This morning, I think to myself...when I had these children, I never thought about having to wake them up for school as teenagers. I don't think my mother ever had to wake me up as a teenager. I set my own alarm, got up, got ready and rode the city bus across town to get to school. If I didn't make it on time...that was on me.

Well of course, there are a million things you never think about when you have a baby. As much as I love my godchildren...when my BFF recently got pregnant (this is child #4) all I could think was, "Have you thought about when these children become teenagers?!" Of course, her 10 and 12 year-old girls are much better behaved than mine. I pray for her sake that these last 2 children will be the same. She is an awesome, loving, but hardcore mom. She doesn't take any crap!

Anyhoo...here is my Top Ten List of things I Never Thought About before I had my babies:

1) Never...ever did I think I would have a child with special needs...much less, have 2. Since having special needs wasn't a blip on the radar...what it would be like to parent a teen with special needs

2) I never thought about what it would be like to raise teenage boys. Silly me...I just assumed I would have a perfect set -a typical boy and a girl. Never thought about what it would be like to be completely responsible for guiding to young men towards independence and adulthood.

3) Never thought about all of the nights of sleep I would loose, all of the tears I would shed...that I would feel every single feeling that they feel.

4) Never thought I would wait almost 4 years to hear the word, "Mama". Now that they are teens with Aspergers...I wish I could change my name and not tell them the new one.

5) Never thought about all of the jobs that are hidden behind the tittle -Mom i.e., Nurse, Therapist, Pharmacist, Life Coach, advocate, driver, referee, cheerleader. I guess I knew I would have to feed them...which would mean I would also be a cook. I just never knew I would come to hate it so much.

6)Who would have thought I would ever hear the words, "I wish I could kill myself," while my child is crying uncontrollably.

7) Having to decide weather or not to give my kids psychotropic medications and all the nightmares that come along with that...no one warned me this would be a possibility.

8) Sitting in a Pediatric, mental ward with my child...who me? No freakin way!

9) Having to talk to ...much less actually, call a police officer or mental health officer because my child's behavior has become violently out of control. Who does that? Apparently me.

10) Most of all I could never have imagined this immeasurable, unconditional love that I have for them. I could never have conceived the magnitude of our connection.

This life with my children is simply unimaginable...

What's on your list?

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-16T08:18:00.001-08:00

A couple of days ago I posted on my Facebook Community Page (please join us if you haven't already):

"My husband thinks I'm nuts because I sit in my car, in my driveway for extended periods of time. My neighbors probably think I'm cookoo for Cocoa Puffs!"

Surprisingly, I got a lot of responses from Aspergers Mom's across the world who do the exact same thing.

I sit there reading blogs on my phone, playing Words with Friends and listening to music. There are no voices of children in my car. There are no requests for me to do anything for anyone. It's an escape...a pathetic escape, but an escape nonetheless.

This morning I took sitting in the car to a whole new level. This is what I was listening to:

Nothing like smooth jazz.

This is what I was sitting in:

Don't get excited it's my husband's loner car. My car is 7 years old and the biggest luxury about it is that it runs.

Now this is just a bonus pic from this morning of "The Man" who would be Blue...wearing the cutest Blue jeans. I wanted to take a picture of how cute his derriere is in these jeans...but he would kill me!

Homework Blues

2011-11-15T09:07:00.001-08:00

Homework is no longer a test of what the child is learning in class...it is a test of a parent's patience. It is an exercise in torture for a child who works so hard at school just to hold it together and make it through all of the social landmines and expectations. When he comes home...what he really needs to is to just chill.

However...Blue is continually thinking about the future, about college and what it takes to get there. This is a good thing...a wonderful thing, within itself. The result however, is that he puts so much pressure on himself, that he can become overwhelmed and end up completely shutting or melting down.

The teachers seldom if ever, see this side of him. They see a mostly calm, together, mature, extremely bright boy. They have no idea how tightly wound he is. Sometimes, when he gets home he unravels. What may be a very simple thing for him to do during the day, becomes a cause for explosion here at home.

Thought we had the homework issues resolved after our last meeting with the team. We had the end of the six-week grading period last week and things seemed to ease up for a few days. However, over the weekend, Blue was hard at work on an assignment that for the love of him, he says he did not understand. He got so frustrated that he just shut down.

"I can't do this! This is ridiculous! I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing!"

He comes in Monday evening with a very upbeat attitude...that is until it gets down to homework time.

"This is just too much! I don't get it! This is too much pressure! Mrs. So and So is mean!"

I finally shut him down when we get close to bedtime. Suddenly, he remembers that he was supposed to read for 75 minutes over the course of the week. This is the last night.

"Help me mom! How am I supposed to do this?" By this time we are slamming things, kicking furniture and yelling in frustration. Nothing I say means anything.

I suggest doing a book on tape...or text to speech reading so that he can sit back and relax instead of being so worked up. I leave the room and refuse to come back and be yelled at anymore. He calls me when the book is finished. I send in Dad instead. I can not trust that I won't loose it if he yells at me again.

After talking with Blue, Hubby comes downstairs to tell me it's safe. Blue has calmed down and really wants to see me.

When I enter his room, he reaches his arms out to me and says, "I'm sorry mom." He allows me to kiss him goodnight and tell him that I love him.

I call this morning to talk to the school Psychologist so that she can work with him today on settling these homework issues. She has a good conversation with him and the teacher. Hopefully, he feels better about it.

Today, it's raining along with the rain came a little friend called THUNDER. I'm sure that he is just a bundle of nerves and anxiety. Tonight should be a bundle of fun!

Dear Diary -It's My Turn

2011-11-14T07:36:00.001-08:00

Overall...I am a very patient, giving person. I delight in making other people happy...making them smile, feel loved, appreciated and cherished. Sometimes, when I give and give...and then give some more, I end up feeling depleted. That's where I am today. That hormonal time of the month must be kicking in...because I just don't feel like hearing any of the needy, unappreciative little voices that are sucking the life out of me. Some of those voices are not actually so little...meaning my mother and my husband.

Sunday starts off as a rather peaceful day. Red leaves to go to church with a friend...Yay! Hubby leaves to go take eldest son to work. Something is wrong with his car. From there, he meets a friend to have lunch and go watch some football. He is gone most of the day.

I enjoy a relatively quiet morning, watching church service on the internet, drinking coffee and playing Scrabble.

Red comes home from church and within a half-hour another friend shows up at our house. This is a NEW friend from school. The two of them are going to build a computer together that they are donating to the CAMP area where they hang out @ lunch time. Now wouldn't it have been nice if our resident computer expert (Dad) had been here to support this positive effort? Sure...it would be, but that isn't on his priority list for the day. Oh well...the boys do the best that they can. They seem to get along well.

God is answering "My Prayer" that I wrote last December. Red has a new friend. This delights him and makes me ecstatic.

After several hours, Red's friend goes home. A half-hour later, Blue has a friend over. They play video games boisterously, and hang out being silly together. He's happy...I'm happy right? After I prepare and serve dinner, I take his friend home.

During this time, that the boys have company, my mother is more focused on the conversations between the boys in the next room, than she is on her own television shows that she's supposed to be watching. She feels the need to make her own comments and interjections. I want to tell her to watch her show and mind her own damn business. I refrain.

Hubby finally makes his way home just as all the activity is dying down. Somehow, he always manages to get away when the boys have any company in the house. We haven't had an outburst all day long. He's in the door for 5 minutes and he and Red are going at it. There I go into my referee job.

By the end of the night I'm zonked. I just want to crawl into my room and hide under the covers. I want to disappear into my Word's with Friends games online. It's a cool way to play with your friends from the convenience of your very own bed.

Red comes in and wants to "talk" around 9:30 p.m. I just have nothing left. I ask him to please leave my room. I just don't want to "talk" anymore. I don't want to here the repetitive dialog. I'm just done. I muster up the energy to meet him in his room for prayer before he goes to sleep.

This morning I take them both to school. Both of them are giving me a driving lecture. Do either of them have a driver's license? NO! I have been driving for 30 years! I tell them both, " If you don't like my driving...you can both can get out and walk!"

"Well...it's just that Dad drives so much better than you."
"Then tell your Dad to take you to school and all of the other places I manage to get you to on a regular basis!"
"Why are you getting so mad?" They have the nerve to ask me.
"I'm in a bad mood. Have you ever been in a bad mood?" I ask them.
"Well today is my turn."

They have all trampled all over my nerves. I am thankful that today is Monday and they are at school trampling all over someone else's.

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It's a Fact!

2011-11-10T08:31:00.001-08:00

Red is on a quest to loose weight and be healthy. In fact, it's his new fixation. This is a good thing...a wonderful thing, except for the fact that he talks about more than actually doing it.
Here's the repetitive dialog:

"I really need to work out everyday. Do you think I should join the wrestling team or should I play football?" (There is really no intention to do either.)
"I can't eat any more cheeseburgers or fast food."
"You really need to take me to the Y. Walking isn't going to do any good. I need to run, but I can't do it at that track around the corner. I don't like to exercise in this neighborhood. I don't like to exercise outside. I'd rather exercise indoors...like at a gym."
"I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, but I just hate the way they taste. What is that disgusting juice that comes out of the vegetables anyway?"
"Do you think I can get a six pack. Well...I actually have a six pack...it's just hidden under here," he says holding on to his belly.

This is repeated over and over again about nine million times per day...and this is just a sample.

A few days pass where I don't have the time or the energy to take him to the gym. He finally breaks down and starts playing the Wii fit. He gets on and the game takes you through a fitness assessment. They measure your balance, weight and BMI. First the game tells you that you're overweight. Nice! Then a little avatar of your body comes up on the screen. It shows an overweight guy with a rather large torso area.

"I don't look like that! I'm not fat!" he says.
"Yes you are," says Blue. "It's a fact. The Wii doesn't lie," he continues very matter-of-factly.

Screaming insults are exchanged. Threats of bodily harm ensue. I have to scream just to be heard to get their attention. I then physically remove Blue from the room to tell him a few things about himself.

"You are being rude and mean to your brother."
"No I'm not. I'm trying to help him. What I am saying is a fact. He is fat."
"Not too long ago...you told me someone at school said that you were chubby. If I remember correctly, that really hurt your feelings didn't it?" He thinks about it but doesn't respond.
"Everyone in this house could stand to loose a few pounds. Your dad is overweight, but we don't walk around talking about it and pointing it out to him. Don't you think that would hurt his feelings if we did?" He gives me a sigh. Like...o.k. I get it.

I know for a fact that he understands this concept. I have heard him talking with his friends about a girl that rides their bus. She is non-verbal and I guess in some way, not attractive...different. He says to them, "She can't help the way she looks. She has a disability. We should be nice to her. We don't want to make her feel bad." Now the friends he is talking to also have autism. It is not their intention to be mean. They just don't have that automatic "self-edit" button that most people do. They say exactly what is on their minds when they see something that makes them feel uncomfortable. When most of us feel uncomfortable in some way, but we may think certain things that we wouldn't say ...out lout anyway. This is a skill that has to be taught to these guys. And they may have to be taught over and over again.

I can only hope that someday it will actually click!

Perspective

2011-11-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

Getting away from the reality of your life is a wonderful thing. It can be really difficult to pull yourself away when your children are holding on to you for dear life. I feel so responsible for their happiness and in this case...a lack thereof. I get lost in it...sometimes to the point where I feel like I'm drowning. It's just not healthy. My positive energy just melts away, leaving me depleted, angry and sometimes even resentful.

I find that as the boys get older in some ways, they require more of me. I didn't think it was supposed to work this way. You think typically...older means MORE independent. Even though Red is 16 years-old, he requires the most, at least emotionally. I am his safe haven. I am the person in the world who understands him most. Why would he want to let go of his safety net?

Well this weekend, I put on my oxygen mask first and drove away to Houston to meet my new baby/nephew/godchild. Just being in the presence of new life gives you such wonderful perspective and simple pleasure. There is something about the essence of a new life that is so pure...it just makes you feel good. Their sweet cuddles make you forget about the pain they will inevitably cause you when they become terrible 2 toddlers, pain-in-the-butt teens, and young adults who don't have the time of day for the mother who raised them. (Yes...I am talking about the prodigal 23 yr-old son). Since I will never have the pleasure of having another baby...my very gracious friend indulges me by sharing her wonderful babies with me.

We mostly just sit around enjoying watching baby C. sleep, eat, and poop for 2 days. I also enjoyed coddling and spoiling my 2 year-old niece. We ate good food, drank good wine watched movies and played with my babies. Baby C's personality seems very calm and introspective. As I watch him I wonder what his personality will actually be. His sister is a complete bundle of energy and entertainment. She's talking up a storm, often uttering her favorite word that she says in the sweetest voice, "no."

My boys do miss me, of course. Before I left, Red announces that he is giving up on his hobby of flying via Flight Simulator in order to focus on his video editing business. I tell him he can do both, but he seems to be an all or nothing kind of guy.
Subsequently, he spends most of the weekend claiming boredom. He does not actually work on any videos. Instead, he spends a great deal of time and energy complaining about one thing or another. What he wants is attention...and he will get it one way or another whether it's positive or negative. Whatever positive attention he receives while I am away...is not enough. The good things his father does with him have a short shelf life.

Lately, he doesn't do well with unstructured time here at home. He feels like he has to be entertained in some way...that is, when he's not on his computer. If not, he wants to talk non-stop about a subject of interest or about something he wants to do or buy. He can talk himself into a stupor, when the answer to his request is not what he wants to hear, or if you just disagree with him or try to redirect him to do something that will change his negative thought pattern. This eventually turns into a miniature meltdown, which he apologizes for an hour later. It's big fun!

He finally admits on Sunday that he just misses me and is mad because I am away. This combined with his selective boredom presents quite a challenge for Dad. Do I feel any guilt about this? Maybe a tinge. But the bottom line is for MY sanity, I need time to decompress...to just think...to just be, without my every thought being interrupted...especially by negativity. Dad gets this on a regular basis when he travels for business. He doesn't want to count it as "peace" time, but the bottom line is that he closes the door to a hotel room at night and doesn't have to listen to any crazy talk for hours on end. I don't care if he is working. It's still a break from the insanity.

When I get home Monday afternoon...I'm not in the door ten minutes before he is all over me, like white on rice! Dad goes off to watch Monday Night Football while I deal with it. Luckily, I have tequila in the house.

Silent Sunday

2011-11-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

It's really difficult for me to be silent. I am a talker...and since there aren't always people around to listen to my ramblings...I talk through my writing. However, this picture of my new nephew/godchild/best friend's baby boy is worth a thousand words...

Isn't he lovely?

Homework Help!!!

2011-11-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

Editorial note: Today's post is dedicated to team 7R...Blue's awesome team of teachers. Thank you all!

Homework with Blue my Asperger tween,s has become this...thing...this major league, gigantic, anxiety-ridden, time-eating, monster-thing, which is starting to erode our quality of life after school. There is hardly any time to play, relax, watch a movie, exercise or hang out with friends. It's all about trying to slay this monster every night so that the teachers, "won't be mad because I didn't finish it."

This year he basically skipped a year of math and moved up into an advanced class which is on the 8th grade level instead of 7th. Now don't get me wrong...his grades are all in the 90's, so he's doing fine. But he comes home and acts like he is totally overwhelmed by the homework. I'm not a math kind of girl...especially an advanced math kind of girl. In a pinch, I can get on the internet and figure out the basics of a problem, but I'm not good at it by any stretch.

Dad does the helping out in the math department. You didn't hear this from me, but he teaches everything the long way...and sometimes, the wrong way. Which means, Blue actually ends up teaching him. They do this Tango...and it takes them 2 hours to do an assignment that should take say...30 minutes. Last week they actually worked on 10 word problems for well over 2 hours. I had to leave the room and go have a drink to keep from pulling my hair out.

In my mind, homework should be practice of what you have already learned at school. If you don't know it...you should go back to school and have them teach it to you until YOU KNOW it. It's not about what your PARENTS know...or in this case what they DON'T know.

So I call a meeting with his teachers to talk about the homework issue. In his case...he is college bound, so he doesn't want his assignments cut. But, we need to make things more manageable so that he isn't freaking out every night...better yet, so I'm not freaking out every night.

I am so delighted to walk into a room this morning with each and every one of his 7th grade teachers...i.e., Math, Science, Social Studies, Language Arts, APS (study skills), the 7th grade Principle and his Special Ed. Tracking Teacher. Wow! All of these adults in a room...just to help my kid! Thank you teachers!

They all say that he is doing great! He is an awesome student, but get this...he hardly asks any questions. Sometimes he does get preoccupied with thoughts. He doesn't always move as quickly as he could, or should, but basically he's doing great. Even when he stays after school for tutorials, he doesn't really ask very many questions, he just does his work and he does it in a relatively short period of time.

So why are we getting the okie doke here at home? Why is he suddenly so confused, needs so much help and takes so much time? Could it be that he just wants our 1 on 1 attention? Does he want to steal a little bit of Red's thunder (he who requires our attention in a very negative, all-consuming fashion)? Is he just zonked at the end of the day? Is it his anxiety? Is he distracted by thoughts of, "I'd rather be on my computer than doing this freakin' homework?" Oh and lets not forget the almighty, energy consuming quest for perfection. Having Aspergers gives you a healthy combination of all of the above...especially the anxiety and being tired at the end of the day. It takes a lot to hold it together and be perfect all day at school. There is no energy left for perfection here at home.

I am so glad that we had this meeting because if I told him any of the things below...he would not believe or listen to me. What the heck do I know? He got to hear it directly from the source (all of his teachers. Here is what we came up with:

1) Blue...you are an awesome student! We know you work hard and want to to things right.
2) Do homework to the best of your ability. Circle the problems you don't understand and bring them in the next day for reteaching, or clarification. It will not be considered late.
3) Do test corrections (with a teacher) at school...not here at home (YAY!)
4) Work with Special Ed teacher to plan (stair step) larger projects.
5) Come in for tutorials before and/or after school...ask questions if you need to.
6) Go to the public library if you need a quiet place to work.
7) Leave your mom and dad out of doing homework with you...it's slowing you down! WOO HOO!!!
8) When you spend less time doing homework, you can have some downtime to spend 1 on 1 with your parents doing something fun.

The bottom line is this:

Stop freaking out about everything...your teachers care about you. They think you're doing great and they are here to help!

Generic Not Equal

2011-11-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

All generics drugs are not created equal...so I came to find out this weekend. Organized person that I am (not)...we run completely out of Depakote on Thursday night. Friday morning I send Red to school without it, while I run to the pharmacy to pick up the refill.
"Your portion will be $227.00." WTF??? How did my ordinarily $35.00 co-payment suddenly turn into $227.00?
"There must be something wrong," I say to the Pharmacy Tech. She agrees to call my insurance carrier. Basically, they tell her the amount is correct. Something about if there is a generic available...blah, blah, blah.

I call them myself and get the same answer. There was a change in my plan? How can they suddenly change my plan from one month to the next? It's not time for renewal yet? I am confused. I can't have him at school without the med, so I go ahead and except the generic while I investigate further to see what the heck is going on with my insurance and what I can do about it. I rush off to Red's school and administer the dose. Just call me Nurse Betty...or Nurse Ratchid...whatever!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch that afternoon, Red has his first incident at the new school: Hiccup ...you know --oops I slipped and cursed out my teacher. Are the two related? New generic med given a little later in the morning and that afternoon we loose it with a teacher? It's hard to say for sure.

He comes home lucid, but as the night comes to a close, he goes on a rant about the incident at school. He's angry again.

Saturday night he takes his meds. Several hours later, he asks me if he took them. He doesn't feel tired at all. He goes to bed around 11:30 p.m., excited about the Airshow we are going to the next morning. When I wake him up on Sunday he says, "I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid there with my eyes open until early this morning." He opts out of going to the Airshow in order to sleep. This within itself is a shocker. He has been looking forward to this for weeks.

When he wakes up that afternoon he tells me, "I wasn't really sleeping. I was just laying there most of the day." Well, I know that he did sleep some, because I entered the room and he didn't budge. Usually, if he's awake he starts talking when I come into the room.

I start to get really pissed. I know the problem is this fake, generic Divaprolex that we were given by the pharmacy. I make a phone call to his doctor (hating to disturb her on a Sunday) and she confirms that this indeed could be the problem. The generic is just rushing through his system, not time released like the name brand Depakote.

Sunday night I give him melatonin to make sure he gets to sleep. A few minutes later he starts the crazy talk and I know he's getting really sleepy. He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

Two calls to the doctor and the insurance company later...I discover that this was the error of the pharmacy. They coded wrong when they put the prescription through. The code they used did not show that the doctor required the name brand. When I take this crappy generic back to them, they put it through correctly and with my coupon code...I walk out the door without paying a dime. There were no sincere apologies from them. No store credit...gift card...nada!

Needless to say...I will not be returning to that incompetent pharmacy ever again! I will be more organized and get all of my prescriptions via mail-order. Urghh!

Dear God, Thank You (redeaux)

2011-10-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

Editorial Note: This is a previously published post from September of this year. It continues to be appropriate. We are not where I want to be, but I continue to be grateful for small blessings.

Dear God,

I wrote you not to long ago asking the question, "Seriously? You think I can handle this?" Well...obviously you were listening. I was so stressed out then. Red was extremely depressed and already having issues at school. Being around all of that negative energy was weighing on me heavily, zapping my energy and bringing me down...way down.

So Lord, I want you to know that I appreciate all of the blessings you have given me in the past few weeks. We tweaked Red's meds again...a process I find extremely excruciating. I just loathe the fact that he has to take these medications. However...things are so much better! Thank you for giving me the strength to hang in there and not give up on the process. Thank you for helping him to feel better. Thank you for turning him back into the boy that I always knew was in there somewhere.

Thank you for his new school and all of the staff that work tirelessly to help him, even when he acts like he doesn't want any help. Thank you especially for his social skills class and teacher who he relates to and actually listens to.

He still has his rough moments, but he reigns it back in quickly, seeing the error of his ways. He is taking responsibility for himself...getting up with his alarm clock (mostly),taking his showers daily (without argument) getting ready for school on time every day (most days), doing homework on his own, attempting to change his diet. Last night for dinner he ate chicken breast, wild rice, and corn. He asked for seconds! He's eating spinach salad. I don't take these things for granted. I am thankful.

He had a successful birthday party, where he socialized and really enjoyed himself...WITH FRIENDS. A year ago I asked you to send him just one good friend. You did that. He is still working on the friendships at school, and even that is in the works. I ask you to continue to work with him on that. He is trying to join the wrestling team...I pray that works out for him. I pray that will give him some connection at school...something to be happy about. I pray that it will help him to look better, feel better and get healthier, physically and mentally.

I am thankful that both boys can now sit down to the table together and have breakfast and dinner without constantly picking at each other (most days). A year ago, even a few months ago...this simple thing was not possible. I am thankful that both boys, now pray, with regularity and without prompting. Red is going to church with a friend, un-prompted by us.

I am thankful for how well Blue is continues to develop friendships, that he is conquering the overwhelming homework and making excellent grades. Middle school is no longer a place that causes him grief...but he loves to be there (most days). He loves learning and the routine of it all. He is already thinking about college and what it will take to get there. That is a HUGE blessing! I am thankful that his pallet continues to grow and that he is so adventurous with food, vegetables and fruit!

We still have lots of areas to work on and continued blessings to ask for. Today, there are just so many baby blessings in our lives, I will reserve requests for more blessings for later...knowing that in your time...you will give them to us.

You may not come exactly when I call...but you always show up on time. Thank you...

p.s. I take that back...I will ask that you bless all of my autism moms, dads and their children. Give them hope. Things will never be perfect, but they will get better. I am thankful for everyone of them who reads this blog and participates in my "Confessions" Facebook community. They bless me daily...

Hiccup

2011-10-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well we've cursed out our first teacher at the new high school. He is sitting in his IPC (science) class, supposed to be taking notes. He is falling behind, loosing his place when the Aid gently reminds him to get back on task.

I wasn't there...and I'm sure that Red can not give me an accurate instant replay, but basically he snapped. The Aid asked him to step outside where Red proceeded to tell him that he is, "Always starting shit!" among other choice words I'm sure. He says the only word he knows he didn't use for sure is the F-word. Isn't that lovely? He so reserved!

The funny thing is...or maybe it's not so funny. He came straight home and told me, "I cursed Mr. A. out today." Very matter-of-fact...not sounding upset or ashamed in anyway. Back in the day, my parents would have had to find that one out on their own! (Not that I would EVER curse a teacher out...but if I did anything close to that, they would have to get a phone call from the school before they would here about it from me!)

I can only imagine that the guy is trying to keep him on task, just like I do in the mornings when he's spacing...time is elapsing and he doesn't realize it. When I ever-so-gently remind him... he snaps! "WHAT! I'm coming mom! You don't have to keep reminding me! I'm not going to be late!" Should I give him credit for not cursing at me? .... Nah!

Unfortunately, he has a history with this Aid. Back in 8th grade, he worked with him and found himself in a situation where he was physically restrained. Again...I wasn't there, and can not say for sure exactly what happened. But it was a traumatic event for Red. In his mind...it was completely uncalled for. The story I got was that he was trying to leave the room in an attempt to confront another student. Red does not remember it that way. It's difficult to say what the truth is. The school could be covering their asses with their version of events. Whatever the case may be, Red has never been violent and did not feel the restraint was called for. Residual anger still lingers deep within him towards this Aid.

The two of them take their argument down to Red's tracking teacher, lets call him Mr. C., a very calm soft-spoken, older gentleman. He has years of experience working with kids like Red in different settings. They talk it out and come to a resolution, which Red seems pleased with by the time he gets home in the afternoon. Later in the evening...he goes back to being angry again. He really does not want to have to work with this man..at all!

I can't always fix things for him. There are going to be authority figures in his life that he does not like. There are going to be bosses and other employees who will be complete assholes or rub him the wrong way. "That doesn't mean you can blow up and curse them out. "You will be F-I-R-E-D!" I tell him. You have to think about the long term goal. In school, it is..."I need to get my education and this guy is helping me, even though I don't like him." At work it will be, "I need my paycheck even though my boss is an ass." You can't just bail or explode.

"How am I supposed to remember that?" he asks me. I wish I had an answer. I know this is so much easier said than done. I have remember that a lot of these common sense theories are completely foreign to him.

Of course, I worry that he will never get this. I worry that he will never get beyond the anger and explosiveness. Will it get better with time and maturity? Whenever things get difficult...will he resort back to it? How will he ever survive in this world that does not cater, crack and make exceptions for his disability. There are no loving mother's arms to fall into...to come in and advocate for you out there in the cold, hard world that he will be entering into sometime in the not-so-distant-future.

How is he going to make it?

Dear Diary

2011-10-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Editorial Note:

This is a rant that I wrote while under the influence of a virus which, made me extremely tired and not exactly coherent. It may not make any sense...you have been warned.

It started last night after I ate the most delicious salad that my mom made for me...this queasy feeling in my tummy. I knew something was really wrong when I couldn't finish my glass of wine. Pouring wine down the drain is a sin in my house. I had to kick Red out of my room (he was on a talking rant)...I wasn't in the mood. I tell him I'm tired...I want to go to bed. I can not finish playing words with friends...I am too overcome by sleepiness. Lights out...

I wake up kind of disoriented and more achy than usual. It dawns on me...I have a meeting this morning at 8:30. Crap! Well, actually it's kind of good that I don't have to rush Red out the door for the bitchy bus driver he's decided that he doesn't like. He's not the first person to tell me this woman is rude. What she is doing driving a special education bus is beyond me. Anywhoo...though I'm feeling like crap, I have put my face on and soldier on to do my mommy duties.

This meeting is a brief ARD/IEP meeting at Red's school. He's only been there 3 weeks and they already want to tweak his goals based on the Red that we are seeing in this new environment. I really hate to count my chickens...but this is the best I've seen him in years!!! The meeting goes well. I meet more of his team members. I am duly impressed with his Social Skills teacher. He's a guy...around 32 years-old and he really seems to know his stuff. He asked me to e-mail him if there is anything I want him to work on with Red pertaining to social skills at home. Wow! Absolutely incredible!

I leave the meeting...go grab Subway for Red's lunch and drop it back off to the school. Bad mommy was feeling too crappy to go to the grocery store last night. Honestly...I don't feel like going today either. I come home and have no incentive or energy to write a damn thing. Instead I take a nap...that is until it's time to take my mom to her hair appointment, the bank and the wine store. It's payday for seniors today. Time to buy that wine supply!

As I'm pulling in the driveway, my cell rings. It's the high-school. I don't panic...exactly. It's Red sounding peppier than he did when I left him this morning. "Mom, can you take me to get a haircut. My hair is way too long."
"Sorry son. I'm not feeling well."
"What do you mean? What's wrong with you?"
"My stomach is kind of upset."
"You don't sOUNd sick."
"Well...I am."
I know this conversation isn't over by a long shot.

I end up taking them for haircuts, to get dinner and then drop Blue at the library, while I run to the grocery store. There must be lunch supplies for the following day. As I'm walking through the grocery store...it hits me. I am sick. The more I move, the more my stomach churns and my head feels lighter. What the heck am I doing walking around the grocery store?

There are so many details that I take care of on a daily basis. I am the personal assistant of 4 people, running all of the details of their lives. I haven't been sick in so long, I think I've forgotten how to
completely stop and take care of myself. I mean who's going to take care of the details if I don't. I have spoiled them all.

I definitely should have read the employee manual before I took this job.

Box of Chocolates

2011-10-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

I am outside in my garden pulling weeds and pruning on Sunday morning. I am enjoying the cool, Fall air and trying my best to stay away from my family. You know...so close...yet not far enough. Every last one of them, besides my mother, have trampled all over my last nerve in the past 24 hours.

So you could have knocked me over with a feather when Red walks out the door wearing sports attire and IPod sports-band.
"I'm going for a walk," he announces.
There has been no prompting from me...at least not this morning. I had suggested the night before when he was in a bit of a funky mood to go walk it off. The little park we have around the corner from the house has recently installed a walking track made of crushed granite. His excuse for not exercising is that I don't take him to the Y often enough. Then there is the excuse of not walking in the neighborhood because of the cats may come up to him. Whatever that's about...

He walks a total of 8 laps...ON HIS OWN, and by this time, it isn't exactly cool outside. There is no shade on this track. I am so proud of him!
"I'm going to loose this weight. You have to stay on me mom! Even when I'm mad...especially when I'm mad, because walking will make me feel better. You have to make me do it!"
The irony there is that when he's mad...even when he isn't...I can't MAKE him do anything unless I threaten him with bodily harm. With me being 5 foot nothing and about 100 pounds lighter than him, that doesn't really go very far. In fact, it usually just makes him even more angry.

We spend the day together. I take him and his friend to the airport to go plane spotting. The day is relatively pleasant other than a brief screaming match over my asking him to turn the sound down on the radio in MY car, which has me questioning why the heck I am spending my Sunday with him in the first place.

On our way back home, his friend is starving and wants Subway. Red gets ice cream from Baskin Robbins, next door. His reasoning is that he doesn't want to have more than one soda per day. (Yeah...ice cream is so much better!) When we get home, he asks me if I would like to go back out to walk so that he can burn off those calories. Wow!

We walk 4 laps...in the dark.

Life with Aspergers is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

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I Think I'm In Love

2011-10-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

"This may be a little premature but...I think I love you."

The phone rings and I see on the caller I.D. that it's the high school calling. I don't panic this time. Somehow, I know there is nothing wrong...that perhaps even, something is right. This is a huge change from the way that things have been over the past several years when it comes to school and Red. My usual response when I see the school on the caller I.D. is heart racing, head spinning, veins tightening...Oh crap what is it now?!

It's the Special Education Director on the end of the line. I am happy to hear from her. With a very kind, sincere voice she begins, "I am just checking in with you to see how things are going on your end? How do you thing Red is doing? What kind of behaviors are you seeing when he comes home from school? Etc." Huh??? What??? This is completely foreign to me. I haven't received this kind of call since elementary school.

Basically, I tell her things have been going relatively well on my end. He has come home complaining a few days about "people being rude" and not making friends fast enough, but he has also acknowledged the role that he plays, his lack of social skills, and the inability to not dominate conversations, which is huge for him. At the same time, he has been on time everyday for the entire 3 weeks. He takes his showers most every night. He actually seems a little, dare I say, motivated to get there everyday. So I'm thinking for the most part, he is happy with where he is. Although that is difficult to come out and just say...especially to me.

She tells me about their observations of him over the past 3 weeks. She also sees that motivation and eagerness to learn. For the first 2 weeks he was pretty close to perfect, trying so hard to show everyone the best side of himself. He is very compliant and working diligently. In the past week or so, he has let his hair down so to speak, allowing them to see that he indeed, is not perfect. He has shown some frustrations...finally letting them see the real deal. Well actually, this is a much milder version of the real deal. At his worst, the real deal could be cursing teachers out, yelling at peers, and slamming fists on desks defiantly. He is a living angel right now in comparison.

His work productivity is still excruciatingly slow, especially when it comes to writing. His handwriting is so perfect, it's like a font. The perfection on top of his processing speed has him moving like a snail. He is learning and being productive in all environments with the exception of the regular ed IPC (a science class something to do with Physics and Chemistry). Even I would be confused in this class! He did however, advocate for himself letting them know that he really isn't "getting it" and needs some additional supports (HUGE)! He has also advocated for himself with the Social Skills teacher, asking to speak with him directly about areas of concern and weakness that he would like to address during Social Skills class.

The team has been brainstorming ideas to give him additional supports. One of them being giving him a word processor to complete all writing assignments. YAY! There will also be some schedule tweaks and changes. We will review all of the purposed changes in a miniature planning meeting next week.

Wow! I am impressed all the way around! The old school's policy was, "Don't call us...we will call you when there is a problem." This new school's policy seems to be, "You don't have to call us. We will call you before a real problem develops."

I think I'm in love....

It's the weekend so vote already! You've got time! (I say that in the most loving way...really.)

Licking Shoes

2011-10-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

My little boy Blue would like very much to control everything in his world, including his gross little 7th grade friends. They chew pencils, pen caps, strings from their jackets. They tap on desks, kick chairs, talk too much and laugh at things that in his opinion, are not funny.

I have not observed him in class, only at home where he would like to control his brother's every move including, the way he chews his food, bites his nails and cuticles, and even the way he breathes way too loud! He gives a huge reaction, which is all his brother needs to continue the action and even exaggerate it. He loves nothing more than to see his little brother all flustered and upset. It's a huge pay off for him. This is typical of any sibling relationship.

The same deal of course goes at school. Children are not going to allow some kid to control them and for some, seeing his over-reaction is just cause to increase the annoying behavior.

So there is a boy who is in most of his classes. In Blue's eyes, he exhibits a number of annoying behaviors. All of his classmates know how much Blue over-reacts. This kid pretends to lick the bottom of his shoes and the floor...in order to taunt Blue into a reaction, which of course, he definitely gives him. The child apparently, also referred to Blue one day by saying, "Hey Black boy!" Blue is quite upset by this.

He comes home and tells me how he is being bullied. I don't appreciate the "black boy" reference. However, I tell Blue that he can not control the actions of others. What he can try to control is his reaction to it. "Don't give him your power," I say to him. "It's like you are handing over a paycheck to this boy for his behavior. Simply walk away."

"I can't! He's in every class and he is distracting me on purpose." Apparently, the young man really steps up the action at the end of the day. Blue leaves that class upset quite often. Then he starts saying "I don't want to go to school. The kids don't think I'm cool. They think I'm weird." When we start to talk about it, he tells me of a conversation about girls, where he tells people, who are not his friends that he thinks girls and their germs are gross. He doesn't like kissing, etc. Well this is just great ammunition for kids who don't have your best interest at heart.

I decide to have a conversation with the Counselor, his Special Education teacher and the school Psychologist so that they can assist with squashing some of this distracting behavior. I also ask them to work with Blue on his reactions and over-sharing with peers who are not really his friends.

So far things are better. But of course when I ask Blue, "How was your day at school?" He says, "Well...it was o.kay."
"Just o.k.?" I ask.
"Yeah...things are better with the kid, but my Math teacher yelled at me."

You can't please all of the people all of the time...but you can not please the people in my house hardly ever.

Blessed Insightfulness

2011-10-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing is smooth sailing when it comes to an Aspergers teen. We had about a weeks worth of honeymoon period with Red and his new school situation. He still likes it...but for some reason he is surprised that he still has a lot of work to do, both socially and academically. So the past couple of days, he comes through the door with a look of fatigue and unhappiness on his face.

"People are being rude to me! I have the same problems everywhere! People don't want to talk to me."

Unfortunately, with all of the medication changes, he isn't taking anything for focus right now. Well, actually, he's taking Intuniv, a non-stimulant, but I really don't see how it is helping him. The issue is he has a tendency to talk...non-stop, dominating the conversation. Once he gets on a roll, he hardly takes a break for a deep breath, much less stopping long enough for others to actively participate in the conversation. One of his teachers tells me, that one day he was so busy talking, he didn't even notice that people had actually walked away. Of course, there is not a lot of eye-contact during his conversations. Hence, the intense need for social skills training which, is not an overnight process.

Then he drops this bit of wisdom down on me:
"I can't help that I talk so much. It's a part of my Aspergers. I can't help it. If I could help it...I would stop doing it. People need to understand that it's a part of who I am. They need to have patience. All I want is to have some friends who accept me for who I am. I just want to be happy!"

"You're right mom, the reason I like to buy things all the time is because I'm just looking for a little bit of happiness, even though I know, things can't make you happy."

"Are you sure Dr. A knows what she's doing? We've been trying all these different medicines and I still talk so much. Maybe we need to change millograms or something. I need some help with this so that people will like me."

Wow! I tell him how proud I am that he can express these feelings to me so clearly.
"This shows me that you are doing better. Before, you were not able to express all of that to me...so you are doing better. And I'm proud of you. You may not be where you want to me, but you are slowly making progress. You are getting up in the mornings, getting ready on time. You are taking your showers every night. All of these things are progress."

I am so impressed by his insightfulness. He really does get it! He does see himself and what he is doing, but he just can't resist some of the impulses.

I have been putting off going back to a low dosage of Focalin with him, afraid of what the side effects may be. The doctor believes that with the other meds he has on board, and the lower dosage, he won't have these mad crashes in the afternoon. He is so desperate to control the over-talking, and lack of focus, that I am willing to go ahead and fill the prescription in hopes that it will help.

I am definitely fatigued by the incessant talking and I have a LOT OF PATIENCE. There have been times where I've had to tell him, "You've said that ninety-million times already! I got it!"
"I didn't say it 90 million times. That would take all day."
"Well, it feels like 90 million times!"
Imagine how it feels for those people who don't love him as much as I do, nor do they have the social skills or patience to put up with it.

I'm really happy about what he said about "buying things to find happiness." That is until the end of our conversation when he says, "So can I go to Walgreens now to buy those Amazon gift cards so I can order the Yoke for my Flight Simulator game?"
"I thought we just agreed that buying things won't make you happy?"
"I know that...but at least it will give me something to do."

Guess I can't expect everything to happen overnight...

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Looking for Me

2011-10-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Have you seen my identity? I've been looking for it everywhere...I know I used to have one, but I can't seem to find it.

Once upon a time...I was a little girl who wanted desperately to be a wife and a mother. I wanted to live in a suburb, where my children would feel safe, have good schools, and a nice home to live in. I wanted to live the "Cosby" life -with a Mom and a Dad raising the children together. We would share lots of laughter. I would give them all the best of everything...all of the things that I grew up without. This would include giving them the best of myself and as much attention as they could want or need. Well...you know what they say, "Be Careful what you ask for."

As a young woman...I was very independent. I had no choice in the matter really. Growing up with a single mom meant my options for support were limited. If I wanted a college education...I had to figure out a way to go get it, and make sure it was paid for. If I wanted a car...I had to buy it. If I wanted an apartment and furniture...I had to make it happen.

I was also an extremely social person. I have a lifetime worth of friends that now live all over the country. Most of them I left behind in southern California. The phone was always ringing. There was always a party, a dinner, a lunch, a trip to go on.

I have friends who were my neighbors when I was in the 2nd grade, friends from middle and high school, friends I worked with, friends I met from other friends. Once you become my friend, you're usually in for life, this includes most boyfriends. In fact, it wasn't until I moved to Texas where I had the first occasion to actually loose friends. Some women that I met here were obviously not as sincere as I am. Then too...when you have extremely high maintenance children, some people just don't know what to do with that. But hey...that's their loss.

When you become a mother of special needs children...that kind of becomes WHO YOU ARE. It's so consuming. You are constantly on call...consistently on edge. You work tirelessly to help them get the support that they need, putting out fires, lighting fires underneath them, trying to prevent the next meltdown, calming the meltdowns that eventually will come.

When I have the occasion to spend a quiet moment alone I find myself asking, "Who the heck are you? What happened to that fun, independent, social butterfly, life of the party, traveling-the-world, L.A. girl? Where did she go?" How did I end up here in the suburbs of Austin, Texas? I don't even LIKE Texas! I don't really like suburbs all that much. (Sorry you Texas lovers). I have to be honest.

Will she ever resurface? Will I find her again? Or is she a complete gonner? Sayanara! Adios! Good-bye!

Every once in a while...she comes back to life. A few years ago...she went to Italy and she really came alive. Occasionally, she will take a trip to L.A....sans children and husband. She will tread on old stomping grounds, party with with old friends and family. She exhales with a knowing familiarity. I find her most often in my dreams. She is always in Los Angeles in these reveries. She may be married, she may have children, but never...ever...is she in Texas.

My friend sent me a blessing today about creating a Bucket List which, doesn't necessarily have to be about places you'll go, or things you will do. It can be about people you want to meet and spend time with creating lasting memories. I would like to spend time with the real me again...not Karen, the mother, or the wife, but Karen the woman. I think she will be really good company.

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The Complaint Department

2011-10-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

One ringy dingy. Two ringy dingy. "You've reached the complaint department. How may I help you?" In my Lilly Tomlin, pinched nostril voice.

Every night before bed, I have "Me" time with Red, where I come into his room and give him my undivided attention for 10 to 15 minutes. Because I don't listen to him talk continuously enough during the day. The truth is there isn't enough time in the day to listen to him talk...especially to me...his favorite audience.

So I come into his room and lay on the bed for a few minutes of torture...I mean quality time. These conversations are never positive. They are usually a list of complaints about how how hard his life is...what he wants...and what he needs to buy that will instantaneously make his life so much better.
"Mom...you know I really need thus and such."
"Why don't any girls like me? It's not fair that don't I have a girlfriend. I guess I need to play sports so that I can get girls. Only football players get all of the girlfriends. I just need to work out, but I really hate sports. It's not fair that I should have to play sports just to get girls."
I think this is just the most comfortable language for him. He knows how to how to do this so well. He is a natural born complainer. If complaining paid...he would be rich! And be able to buy all of those things that will make his life so much better.

I have standard answers for all of these complaints, which are usually very clever and inspirational. This means nothing to him. My responses are always met with, "No...that won't work. That won't help." etc.

This time...I stop him dead in his tracks when he starts with his list.
"You know...it would be so nice if just one night I could come in here and you could tell me something positive about your day...about your life. Was there anything good about your day today? Is there anything that's going well in your life? Isn't there one thing that you can actually be grateful for?"

"Well...I'm starting to make new friends at school. I get to spend time with people who understand me and are more like me."
"Really? Wow! That's great! Anything else?"
"My teachers are all pretty nice," he says in a very flat tone.
"Awesome! That's cool! Let's say a prayer right now letting God know how grateful you are for those things in your life. If we thank him for the good things and focus more on that...good things will start to grow and multiply. Whatever you give the most attention to in your life will grow. So if we can just focus on the positives...you will start to see more positive things in your life."

With that we say a prayer in which, I list even more positive things that are happening in his life. At first he is laying back on his pillow...very nonchalant. By the middle of the prayer, he puts his hands together and puts his head down graciously. He hears this long list of positives in his life and I believe it hits him that he does have much to be thankful for.

I kiss him good night...tell him I love him. For once I leave his room feeling positive energy. It's amazing what can happen when you redirect the child into a positive direction instead of rolling your eyes up into heaven thinking...GIVE ME A BREAK!
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Runaway Blue

2011-10-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

I do kind of work in a circus...

There is no school thanks to Christopher Columbus. I make good on my promise to take Blue out for breakfast which, is actually a late lunch. We go to IHOP. The happiness is visible on his face. The boy LOVES to eat! It is a simple pleasure for him. He thanks me over and over again with sincerity. Afterwards, I convince him to go for a walk to help burn off the calories

At 3 p.m. I leave Blue at home to finish homework. (Juggle) While I take Red to go pick up the friend that he has been just dying to have over to hang out and watch his new Blu Ray movie "Fast Five." I take these boys to subway for an even later lunch so that I don't have to feed them at home...and clean up the mess. I pay for the food and then go sit in my car to play "Words With Friends" on my phone, so that I don't have to listen to their ludicrous conversation and watch them scarf down the sandwiches like a couple of wild animals.

I call Hubby to come to pick up Blue to take him to a Destination Imagination meeting. D.I. is a team oriented, problem solving/leadership program of sorts. (I volunteered hubby to be the Team Manager). I think it will be a great bonding experience for them. So as they are leaving...I pull up with Red and his friend. (Juggle Juggle)

Now Blue doesn't get along all that well with Red's friend and Hubby doesn't really like other people's kids all that much...at least not in our house. He barely has the patience for his own kids, much less their friends. I think this goes back to his childhood. His mother hardly ever let them have friends over...only cousins. In my house...there was always a house full of kids. For me...this meant mostly boys. For some reason most of my friends were boys. Especially when I got to high school age. (Really...they were just friends!)

Anyhoo...do you see the juggling trend here?

Red and his friend start watching the movie until Red's friend starts falling asleep. He no longer wants to watch the movie. Red becomes agitated about this. "I mean...why is he falling asleep? He doesn't want to watch the movie anymore ...and I don't want to do anything else...so maybe he should just go home." Wow...lovely social skills there! I convince the two of them to go get on YouTube or something. Moments later, I hear music and singing...loud, bad, singing along with laughter. (This is rare for Red.) Finally...they are having fun. Red has been dying to have this friend over. Yet...I have to tell them how to have fun together.

BTW...they borrow a chair from Blue's room (with my permission) so that his friend has a place to sit while they are on the computer, listening to music and singing loud and off key.

When Blue and Dad come home...I take Red's friend home. While driving, Blue calls me..."WHY IS MY CHAIR IN REd's room!?" He's yelling at me on the phone. First of all...this is MY chair that I let him borrow so long ago that apparently, he has forgotten that it's mine.
"Excuse me but you are yelling and I am driving. This is not acceptable. Good-bye."

I come home the rant continues. Dad intervenes. He is trying to rescue me..however, he does not give any empathy to Blue's feelings. He tells him to go wipe the chair with a Lysol wipe if he thinks it's so full of germs. This is not acceptable to Blue. Dad has hurt his feelings. No one understands him. He decides he's going to runaway.

I am kind of glad that he is going to "walk it off" (or so I think). The problem is it's near dusk. Moments pass and it's getting dark...he is nowhere in sight. We are about to send out the search party...me in one car. Dad in another. Dad leaves first. As I am pulling out of the driveway...he walks up. Moments later, Dad pulls up to the house. The two of them go inside for another chat. I keep Red at bay...sitting out on the front porch.

Everyone is so on edge around here. It's like walking in a field of landmines. This job is not for the weak at heart.

Peace is made...I'm sorries, hugs and I love you's are exchanged. All is well in the world by the time I kiss them all goodnight.

Just another day in the life...

Sucky Sunday

2011-10-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am always teaching gratitude to the boys. I have the whole speech down to a science. So believe me, I feel the extreme guilt when I'm complaining about my life and not being grateful. I must make a precursory note of this whining rant. I did spend Friday having a me day, getting a manicure and pedicure and having lunch out with my mom. For this...I am grateful. Still...I spend the rest of the weekend doing a bunch of things that I do not want to do. I spend a great deal of my life doing this. Sometimes it gets old. Sometimes, I just want to be completely selfish. But then again...I chose the wrong job if this was my goal.

Here's the deal...when I was in the corporate world, when a job became boring, mundane, and unfulfilling, or I just plain old got sick of the people I worked with or for...I quit...moved on. I moved on to something shinier, bigger, with better pay, different responsibilities, more challenges, a change of venue with more opportunity for growth, and nicer people who appreciated me for my talents. When I got tired of that...I went to work for myself as a Realtor, where I could create my own schedule, destiny and earning potential.

Lately, as I mill around the grocery store week after week, run to the pharmacy, dispense meds, do the carpool run, referee fights, give advice that no-one appears to be listening to, kill spiders, cook dinner, clean dishes, floors and toilets...I can't help but think...This JOB Really SUCKS! I quit!

Sunday morning starts off with Blue giving me major attitude because he wants to go out to breakfast. We watch church services on the internet on Sunday mornings with a laptop hooked up to the big screen t.v. and music streaming through the speakers. We do this every Sunday, but I guess we were supposed to drop everything because he wants to go out to eat. This turns into a miniature meltdown. Where I have to placate him and be all Zen about it. I come up with an alternative plan, which includes me making him a major league breakfast, of sausage, eggs and pancakes.

Red is moaning and groaning because we won't allow him to spend $70.00 for add-on software to a game that he only spent $30.00 for in the first place. He already bought a $30.00 add-on a few weeks ago, that he has yet to use. Yet, he wants to spend $70.00 MORE when he hasn't even used what he has to full capacity. He has this insatiable need to keep buying things that he THINKS will make him happy, of course this never works. Now we are the bad guys because we are saving him...protecting him from himself. We spend the ENTIRE weekend listening to him rant about this, becoming more belligerent with each passing moment. Except for when he comes back with wanting to have a friend over. Then, he suddenly wants to turn everything around and start being respectful for all of 10 minutes so that he can get what he wants. When this doesn't work...he goes back to being ugly again.

I spend most of the day making a nice Sunday dinner, because Blue, my Mom and my husband love a good Sunday dinner. I'd rather be out at a yoga class, hiking, or going to see a chick flick. But no...I spend Sunday doing my "job". By the end of the day...I find myself feeling a little pissy because Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. I do anything, and everything but rest.

Sometimes, I just get so tired of doing things to make everyone-else happy. It's exhausting really. After dinner, I am so tired. Tired of the noise in the house...tired of the sibling arguments, tired of the disagreements between Dad and Red, tired of the lack of peace. I come to my room and the three of them are there, Dad, Blue and Red. They are discussing possibly watching a movie that I rented for them. I actually agree to allow the boys to watch it in my room. There I go again...peacemaker, to my own detriment. My husband just looks at me like...Really? You've been cooking all day and now you're going to let them take over your room? It was a reality check.

I kick them all out, and lock the door for an hour of peace before I would drift off to sleep. I pour myself a nice glass of wine and enjoy the quiet. Until Red knocks on my door..."MOM!"

Seriously??? I quit!

It Takes A Village

2011-10-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Really a village? Yes...it takes an entire village to raise this child. I am always amazed at the ARD/IEP process here in Texas. You sit down with an entire room of professionals who are there to work with your child in some capacity or another. Some of them helpful...others not so much. Some of them make you wonder what their motivation was for choosing this career field. Others are so good, you feel extremely blessed to have them care about and work with your child. We experienced this kind of love throughout our elementary school experience. Our Special Education staff there came to know and love my children intimately. We had a few issues with teachers and even the Principle at some points. It wasn't a perfect situation, but we were always able to work out the kinks. There was always the core staff who got it...who really cared.

I didn't sign the ARD/IEP last week with the high school that Red was attending. Today, I met with his new team, closed out the IEP from the last meeting and completed an amendment, in which all of my concerns were addressed. The Special Education Director at the new high school gets it. She is one of the ones who is in this for all the right reasons...because she is a good person who genuinely cares and wants to help people. How do I know this? She shared some personal information with me that let me know that she is the real deal. She's not some young educator who has no children, who is doing this job from the perspective of only her college education. She is doing this job because of who she is, and what she has experienced in her life. She is seasoned. She is not cookie cutter. She is willing and able to think out of the box.

With my son's old team, there were so many times when I expressed a concern, a thought, or feeling about what my child was going through, and I was met with blank stares. Like huh? What? Sorry lady... are you from another planet? We are from planet earth and we don't get your moon-speak here.

I got none of that today. I got validation. I was not rushed. They took time to answer every, single question...idiotic or not. I got...how can we help? Do you need further explanation? Do you have any additional concerns? And how are YOU doing? (How am I DOING?) What are you doing to take care of yourself? Let me put you in touch with this agency to help you with respite care. We are so excited to have him here! Now this is what we're going to do to help him. This is what we're going to do to help him start feeling successful and build his self-esteem. Our program will become like his little family.

His tracking teacher is an older gentlemen with white hair, a soft-spoken voice, and obviously...experience. Before leaving our meeting he gives me his direct number and his cell. "Call me if you need anything or would like to share any concerns." What??? His cell number!

The school Psychologist is younger, with spiky hair, and plenty of self-assurance. She appears knowledgeable, confident and direct. She was able to give me the language to use to diffuse certain situations that I am dealing with here at home, letting me know...this girl knows her stuff! She assured and comforted me by telling me how they will handle this transition with Red...how they will ease him into it, in attempt to make it less stressful for him. She tells me how they deal with kids having a bad day, cool-downs, natural consequences... not criminalizing behaviors related to their disability. Innately, I know...they are not bullshitting me! This is not placation. This is real...this is good. His village is ready to get to work. We are on our way...

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A New Path

2011-10-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Change can be an intimidating, freaky thing for many people, myself included. Fear of the unknown, driving without a map or a navigation system makes one wonder how and if you will ever get where you are supposed to be going. A few days ago I wrote about Aspergers and change...how anxious it can make you...and can lead to negative behaviors and even explosions. Well...I put it in writing and then God went and proved me wrong. We have had a major change here in this house that Aspergers built. The ARD/IEP recommendation was to change Red to his home high school campus. When the possibility was put on the table he was adamant there was no freakin' way he would be changing schools again!

"That school is ghetto!" he actually says in the ARD meeting. My husband just about dives underneath his chair of shear embarrassment. He was pissed all at the same time, knowing that those were not his words...but words he had heard somewhere else. Yet, here he was saying them in a room full of teachers and administrators with out the least bit of decorum. I mean...what is that anyway? Of course, he has never even seen a real ghetto school live and in person in his entire, suburban, over-protected, spoiled little life!

There is a rivalry between the crosstown school that he has been going to for the past year and his homeschool. The kids at his homeschool are not as spoiled and preppy as the kids where he has been attending. At this crosstown school ethnic diversity is sparse at best. In other words...if you're a big, black kid who goes around not smiling most of the time, looking angry, you definitely stand out in the crowd of marshmallowy faces. The home school has a much larger ethnic presence. The kids are all colors and all variations of Austin weirdness. He will not stand out quite as awkwardly in the crowd. He will blend end not perfectly...but much easier. He will know more kids from his elementary and first year of middle school days.

After meeting the staff and hearing about exactly what the program could offer him...I decided to call a few friends of mine within the district to get their opinion of the program. In particularly, I call a teacher friend of mine who has a son who is very much like Red, with Aspergers. Her son is actually in this program. When I say very much like Red, I mean very stubborn, smart but a little on the lazy side...wants to do what he wants to do, no more, no less. Although she is a teacher, she had very little luck in getting her child to perform in a typical school setting, until now. When I call her, she has nothing but glowing things to say about the program and his reaction to it. And just because she works in the district doesn't mean she's a push-over for what they have offered her child in the past. The young man that she is describing to me, sounds nothing like the child I have known him to be. He sounds like he is heading in the direction where I need Red to go.

I decide to try to cautiously to sell it to him. Hoping that he may buy some parts of it. That he might take a sample and then love it so much, that he will actually buy the whole thing. I want it to ultimately feel like his decision so that he can take ownership of it.

"You've been telling me that you work better in a smaller classroom. They have multiple small classroom's with certified, generalist teachers who are qualified to teach each subject. There are more peers there who carry the same or similar diagnosis that you do. They have an actual social skills group where you can connect with peers who have similar issues and you all can help support each other. They have a place where you can hang out during lunch, you can play pool and other games if you don't want to be in the big, loud cafeteria. One of the classrooms is set up like a living room, with comfortable chairs and couches." (Imagine that for the kid who loves to slouch! Hopefully, he won't end up napping there.)

Can you believe that for over a year I have not known that social skills for him meant working one on one with a teacher...and no peers with Aspergers? He would say to me..."We aren't doing any social skills." And his teacher would assure me that they were. She just never told me that it wasn't with a group of kids. I find out now that supposedly there are no kids receiving services through that program who have high-functioning autism. No wonder Red seemed like such an enigma to them. This program was not even the beginning of the kind of support that he needs. Is there any wonder that he was not successful there? I feel like I put him through a year of torture while I was being sold a bag of goods about what kind of support he was actually getting.

To my surprise, he agrees with me so quickly I almost get whiplash!

Red says to me, "Fine...if you think it's going to be better for my education...let's do it!"

I am flabbergasted...floored, but I show very little emotion. I am so ready for a fight and if I am lucky, a slow, arduous transition.

"Do I even have to go back? I don't want to go back there," he says.

The following day there is an awesome field trip planned and it is the last day of the 6 week grading period. He needs to compete assignments and tests. I send him to back to school, telling him that on Monday, we will "Check out the new program."

He has a great time on the field trip. He returns to school and mentally checks out... "You people are not doing anything to help me! I'm done with this school," is his basic sentiment during a small tirade. He refuses to do any work. They call me. I inform them that he has pretty much made the decision to make the change. He is somewhat anxious about it and though he loves the staff there, but he is feeling some mixed emotions right now. I talk to him on the phone and encourage him to finish his work and so that when he says his good-byes that he will be remembered fondly. He agrees. At this point, I know there is no transition. This is it!

I am with him on the mixed emotions. I feel like I've been duped. This was never the place that he needed to be. He should have gone to his home school directly from middle school since they have such an intensive program. He demonstrated a need based on his behaviors in middle school. I have no idea why it was suggested that he be transferred in the first place. I am sure that everyone there did their best to help him with the resources they had available...but they NEVER had the resources that he needs. If I had not told them that this is not working, and I am ready to pull him out and put him in private school, would I have ever found out about the program available at his homeschool?

Fortunately, they have new blood on campus as their Special Education Lead and once I made this call, she called the staff on the carpet and basically said...THIS IS NOT WORKING. The really nice guy who was in her place last year was apparently just riding things out at the end of his career and definitely not thinking out of the box as to how to best serve my child. There are plenty of places I could look in order to lay blame, or with whom I should be disappointed and upset. I don't know how productive that would be.

The point is that God is in the works. He helped me make that sales pitch and he helped Red to buy it. He helped us to move forward. We are on a new path. I believe it will be one that will help him to achieve some successes and to feel more confident as a student, and as a person. It will not be simple. There will be curves, bumps and rocks along the path, but at least we are heading in the right direction.

Different Colors

2011-10-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

Blue comes home with his head hanging down and his fist balled up...I'm angry don't mess with me look. I'm already listening to Red's complaints of the day.

"Hi Sweety...what's wrong?" I ask stupidly.
"Nothing," he says stiffly as he closes the bathroom door behind him.
"Why is he always mad?" Asks Red as if he never comes home upset.
When Blue comes out...I try again, "What's going on?"
"Those stupid kids in Science class. They're always talking, talking talking! I had to stay after 10 minutes today because they won't stop talking!"

Science class is the last period of the day. The kids I guess have had it with being quiet during class by then. They are like little corks in a champagne bottle...ready to blow! How dare them act like 7th graders who would rather talk and act silly than learn about science!

"They don't take anything seriously. They must not want to go to college. They just want to talk and act silly," says our little professor.

I hate to tell him I used to be one of those 7th graders...in fact, I was one of those 10th, 11th and 12th graders who spent a lot of time chatting during class...especially during Science class. Mr. Katz used to move me all around the room to keep me away from my friends. But no matter where he moved me...I found someone to talk to. I did love his Physiology class, but I also like being social...extremely social. How exasperating I must have been.

Blue is a very serious student. He has college on his radar and he wants to do whatever he can to get ahead of the game to make sure he gets there. He has already conquered the homework situation by going in early, and staying after for tutorials to make sure he gets everything done.

Last week...he got really angry with me for making him a hot breakfast and making him stay home to eat it. He would rather go in to school. Get his breakfast and do work while he's eating.
"I don't have time for this. I need to get to school. I'm supposed to be in Ms. H's class right now taking notes!"
"Well..you apologize to Ms. H. for me. Tell her I am SO SORRY for making you a hot breakfast!"

Meanwhile his brother is laying on the couch as the bus pulls up saying, "Can't I stay home today?" Blue and Red...very difeReNT coLoRs.

Aspergers + Change =

2011-09-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

The alarm sounds off...he crosses the room to turn it off and crawls back into bed. I enter the room a few minutes later he is dead to the world...back into a deep slumber. I tap him gently, "Good morning...today's the field trip. Time to get up."
"I changed my mind. I don't want to go." His eyes are still closed as he speaks in a drunken slur.
"Well...that's not really an option. Come on wake up." His eyes do not budge.
"Can I have a hug?" I ask. His eyes flicker. Hmm...I have his interest. He still loves a hug from his mama. This actually gets him to open his eyes slightly.
"I need help to get up," he says as he reaches towards me.
I take his hand. There is no way that I can really help lift his enormous body. He pulls himself up and gives me a hug. I scratch his back and his scalp briefly, trying to give him sensory stimuli to help him wake up. Finally...he is awake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been in stress and panic mode for the past three weeks really. Having him change campuses within the district was put on the table in our last ARD/IEP meeting. The word change and Aspergers teen within the same sentence is a recipe for explosion and disaster. The very thought of this possibility has had him on edge for the past 2 weeks. This tension and being on edge looks better than it did last spring where he would have been screaming and aggressive...so I'll count my blessing for that.

We finally have the big ARD/IEP meeting yesterday. He walks into the room full adults, administrators and teachers and immediately lets everyone there know he definitely does not want to go to that other school and all of the reasons why. He punctuates his thoughts with, "That school is ghetto!" Of course he has no idea what "ghetto" really is. Because this suburban school is definitely not that. It is his home campus...the school that his older brother graduated from. Last night I ask him, "So does that mean your brother is ghetto...because he played football and graduated from there?"
"Uh...no. HE isn't. But a lot of kids there are."

Of course this is his own quirky perception along with a few extremely negative comments coming from a friend. Does this friend go said school? No. Does he even go to high school? No. So how does he know how "Ghetto" this school is? He doesn't...but of course, he has Red convinced.

The meeting totally sucks! The ARD/IEP Coordinator is rude and abrupt. She starts off by letting us all know how little time we have to get this done (less than 45 minutes). The special education teacher races through the FBA (functional behavior analysis) and testing results so fast I couldn't see straight. Of course, I interject with several questions that I'm not sure were ever answered to any level of satisfaction. My husband is sitting there basically, Mr. Happy-go-lucky schmoozer that he is. He does ask for them to step up and get Red some reading supports. We are not happy with his academic progress at all. At the end, the Coordinator abruptly tries to end the meeting while the Special Education Lead from his home campus is still trying to speak. I want to reach across the table and slap her.

I leave the meeting not agreeing to anything. I sign that I was in attendence but do not fully understand everything that was presented. I have 5 school days to get back to them with any changes that I want. Boy do I want changes! I am so done with this school...and last night after a pretty good sales job on my part with Red, I think he may be done as well.

Stay tuned...I don't want to say right now exactly what our game plan is because I don't want to jinx anything. Let's suffice it to say...things are looking up and I am hopeful.

Get Out of Your Own Way

2011-09-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

I met my dear friend Elena via this blog. Have we ever laid eyes on each other? No...not yet. Yet, somehow we have become kindred spirits. Her Facebook posts make me laugh out loud, inspire me and make my heart smile every time I read one. She often shares on my 'Confessions' Facebook Community Page about her journey with 8 year old "G3" she calls him. G3 has Aspergers and ADHD. He is so full of joy, love, honesty and energy! Elena's spirit is also full of love and peace . She leaves a trail of this love behind wherever she goes.

I once asked her to send me a bit of sunshine when I was feeling otherwise cloudy. She sent me this:

Elena also sends out these daily blessings via e-mail. People read them and forward them. Her intention is to bless as many people as she can. This one really struck a cord with me...so I thought I would share it with you all. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did...

Hello from my heart to yours....

"Today’s Project: Learn how to stay out of your own way."

Rod McKuen, poet, composer & friend

I welcomed in the Fall at the beach... fortunately, in Florida, we can do that.... it was a lovely 4 days of reflection... soaking in all that nature has to offer to soothe my soul... the sun... and the sand... and the ocean... and the breeze.. and the afternoon rainshowers... and the seagrapes... and the seagulls... and the crabs crawling sideways and getting tangled in the seaweed.... what I liked best was floating on the ocean on my boogie board waiting for the big wave.. it was quiet out there and I could hear the thoughts in my heart... I was open to receive clarity and understanding for the so many thoughts that go through my mind...the thoughts that stand in my way of moving forward and making decisions and choices that need to be made so that I can continue on my journey to becoming the blessed person God intended me to be... I let great waves go by just so that I could stay in that peaceful silence a little while longer each time... and I prayed....

We all needs these kind of retreats from the world and from ourselves... where we just let go and let God speak to us through the wonders of nature... so vast and beautiful is the world that He has given us... we just need to find that "retreat" place where we can go to seek peace... sure I had the ocean this past weekend for this, but I am one with nature... I can find peace in my own yard... I talk to my rose tree and am able many times to see rainbow colors coming off of its leaves .. the energy it gives to the garden around it.. yeah, it may just be the reflection of the sun and the surrounding flowers, but it's like looking into a fairy world of sorts... and butterflies come to me and will let me take them off a leaf to rest on my finger...

When I lived in North Florida, I found comfort in laying in a pile of dead raked leaves and looking up to the yellow and red and orange ones that had yet to fall to the ground... and when I lived in New York, I laid in the snow and looked up to the pale blue sky and felt like I could see heaven....

Believe it or not, these times with nature help me to "stay out of my own way" ... it's so easy to get caught up in the daily hum-drum of life... to just go with the flow and ride whatever wave comes along, even if it isn't a good one, just so that I can get closer to the shore... but that doesn't get me closer to being the blessed person I am intended to be...

We all need times of reflection so that our soul's can regenerate.. we need to clear our minds so that our hearts can hear more clearly the messages that we need to catch that "great wave" towards an open shore of vast possibilities ... many of our prayers are answered when we get out of our own way...

...and sometimes, in the silence of that waiting and oneness with nature, we may hear a voice yelling.. "here it comes, Mama, it's yours... take it.. take the wave... take it.. !!!" and we do..and we end up all the way on the shore.. beached on a boogie board and basking in the glory of the sun.... and laughing... and laughing at the awesomeness of it...

May you all be able to get out of your own way through reflection... take a nature retreat.. even if only to your own backyard.. just 15 minutes... lay in the grass... open your eyes, your ears, and your heart to all the wonders around you.. be open to receive .. and you may be very surprised to find that you will receive all the peace you need to continue riding the waves of life.... because you are loved beyond measure and are a cherished blessing to the world...

With love,

Elena

Not Doin' That

2011-09-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

After a hanging out with a friend Red bribes me into stopping @ Fry's Electronics to buy some software. He does not have his birthday money with him. He wants to use my credit card and he will pay me back when we get home. The software is $29.80...it comes to $32.46 with tax.

On the way home he says, "So...I owe you $30.00 right?"
"No you owe me $32.46."
"I'm not doing that. I'll give you $30.00 even."
"Uh...no. You will give me what you OWE me. If you had taken your money to that store...you can not tell them, "I'm not doing that.' I just want the software...not the tax. Paying the tax is not an option. How are you going to tell me after the fact, what you are doing with MY money?"
He repeats again, "Mom...I'm just going to give you $30 dollars that's nice and even."
Nice and even my ass!
"Uh...no! That's not going to work. If you like, you can do a chore for the tax money."
"No...I"m not doin that."
Oh hell NO! Now you're giving me all of my money!
"Well then I guess you will just be giving me the $32.46. If you want to make it even...you can just give me $33.00."
"Why do you have to pay tax anyway. That's not fair!"
I go into a brief explanation as to where the sales tax goes. Of course, he could not care less.

When we get home he gives me $35.00 even...I give him his change. "I'm not doin' that." If life were only that simple that we could arbitrarily decide what we ARE and ARE NOT doing. I'd have a nice long list of things that I don't want to do. Boy is he in for a good dose of reality when he gets his first paycheck and he sees all the taxes that they TAKE out.

He's 16...he has so far to go to see how the really world works. "I'm not doing that." HA!

It's Sunday...a good day to vote for the blog. Just a click below..and don't tell me, "I'm not doin that."

The Dirty Dozens

2011-09-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

So yesterday's post makes it seem as if everything is peachy around here. It is far from that...we have received a few wonderful small blessings in this camp...and for that I am eternally grateful. That doesn't mean life is all "Cumbaya" around here. The boys still fight and disagree about most things. Blue is very opinionated and loves to share his opinions with his older brother, which really pisses Red off. Probably because a lot of Blue's opinions make a lot of sense and he doesn't want his younger brother going around making more sense than he does! So what is his standard answer when Blue drops a little wisdom on him?
"SHUT UP!!!" Can you here that from wherever you are? It's that loud when he screams it!

I tell him, "Saying Shut Up shows a lack of intelligence. It's like...I can't think of anything else to say so I'm going to just tell you to shut up! Come on! Get creative!" And so they do just that.

"You're not smarter than me Blue. In fact, you're just dumb."
"And YOU'RE immature!"
"No....You're immature."
"You're so immature...you're like a pre-schooler."
"You're so immature it's like your a baby...coming right out of your mother's stomach!"
"Well...you're ugly!"
"And you need a haircut! Come here so I can give you a haircut!"
"Eat my shorts!"...ooh good one!
"You're not Bart Simpson. You're not even funny."
"You need to shave your butt hair!" At this point I'm dying laughing.

I'm sorry...but I just love the creativity coming from these insults. This from two boys who hardly laugh at anything. You see crude humor is a part of our family heritage...it starts with my dad who is truly offensive. I mean that man can get more MF's into one conversation than anyone that I know. I am actually offended when he's uses the language when talking to me. I'm like...hello! You're talking to a lady here...your daughter nonetheless. Yet, I find myself saying some pretty incredulous things at times. There's something about the shock value. It doesn't always make other people laugh. My husband HATES when I do this. He says, "O.K. that's enough Hollywood!" (That's my dad's nickname...don't ask why.) I really crack myself up.

I hear that my brother does the same thing to his wife. "He makes these stupid jokes and he's the only one who thinks they're funny," says his wife.

I joke around with my kids all the time. They hate it! They can be so heavy and so serious. Sometimes I just want to lighten the mood. The other day we are coming out of the Y after exercising. It's dark...there aren't many people around. I have my IPOD still in my ears and I'm dancing my way to the car. Red starts yelling, "Mom! STOP! Why are you being so silly? These people are going to think you're crazy!"
"First of all, I don't see many people out here. Second of all...I don't care what they think," and I go right back to my dancing.
"You don't even know how to dance. You're not dancing right!" says the boy who doesn't dance at ALL...unless he's rocking out in his room to Linkin Park.

So to stop the shenanigans last night...I finally say, "I'm going to record you two and put you on Facebook and my blog."
"NOOO!" they shout in unison. And that was the end of that!

At least they never got around to, "You're mother's so fat..." Now THAT would not be funny!

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Sixteen is Sweet!

2011-09-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that sixteen years ago...I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. He was a perfect little blur as they whisked him away quickly because he wasn't breathing when they took him from my body. It took them 5 minutes or so to work on him before we got an actual cry. They only let me see him for a moment before they took his little 4 pound, 8 oz body into the ICU where he stayed for 5 days until they could see him actually gaining a little weight. I couldn't wait to get him home, where the nurses could no longer tell me what to do with my own baby boy. There was absolutely no fear in bringing him home to take care of him on my own. I couldn't wait!

What I didn't realize is that I should have been in no hurry. I would have a lifetime of years ahead of me. My life would never be the same. I would no longer rest on my own schedule, but on his. In fact, I would almost completely loose who I am, so that I could help develop who he will be in this world. I would be in for the roller coaster ride of my life. I became a mother...who would give up her own life in order to make his life better. As I held that perfect baby in my arms...I had no idea really what being his mother would actually mean.

We perseverated over the birthday ALL WEEK LONG leading up to the big day. He actually sent out an e-mail announcement to the entire family, reminding them that his 16th birthday is Sunday (you know in case they forgot or weren't thinking about it). He tried very hard to act like it wasn't all about the gifts...at least he TRIED. He also made an effort to graciously say thank you for what he did receive, even though it was mostly scripted. (I know I'm supposed to say thank you and act all grateful...whatever that means, so that everyone won't be mad at me and they will give me more gifts in the future.) I was glad to at least see him at least making the effort.

On this 16th birthday, Red opts out of the boring Six Flags trip that he likes to take every single year...mostly because he doesn't really have anyone to go with. He only has one friend who actually likes Six Flags and roller coasters as much as he does. Instead, he asked for a dinner party with the Aspergers Meetup group along with a couple of his other good friends.

So on Saturday night, we met at his 2nd favorite restaurant, Cheddars, because his first favorite (BJ's) is too expensive for a large group. We had a great turn out and the boys all had a really good time. It was so awesome to see Red smiling, genuinely happy because he was the center of attention. This is a lifelong dream for him.

There were about 20 of us in total, parents all sitting on one end of the table while the boys sat conversing at the other end. Most of the boys were all actually very social, which was good to see. There were a lot of plain cheeseburgers ordered (no condiments of course). Most them ordered double burgers and woofed them down in nothing flat. Hubby allowed them all to order whatever they wanted for dessert, which thrilled them all immensely.

The creme de la creme for Red was his big brother showing up for the celebration. The prodigal son whom we have not seen in months, though he only lives 10 minutes away, did his brotherly duty, showing up in his Alpha-phi-Alpha fraternity jacket, fresh off of crossing over into the brotherhood. Red was so proud to introduce him to all of his friends. Slim Shady, sat down on the boys end of the table and actually engaged in conversation with all of the them. I think that alone was the single, best gift.

On Sunday, his actual birthday, Mama slaved over a hot stove to prepare the traditional fried chicken, macaroni and cheese dinner. This time it was accompanied by a spinach salad, which Red actually ate. He is trying to be healthy so that he can loose a few pounds to be ready for the wrestling team that he hopes to join next month. Mama topped off dinner with homemade white chocolate cookie bars with ice-cream. We all sang happy birthday to him...even Harry our dog tried to get in on the celebration barking as we sang. It was a very special day for a very special boy. The difference is this time...he actually seemed grateful.

Blue picked out the most PERFECT card for his brother...

Poetry Project

2011-09-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

The following poems were written by Blue for a poetry project at school. I am proud to publish them here today...

Party Time

Come on let's have dinner

Because (Red) is a winner

If you're in the mood

We'll have some good food

The restaurant is the scene

Cause Red is turning to sixteen

Come on down

My Dog

I go to the park

But I don't bark

I am afraid

When I'm home I'm brave

I bark with rage

I am spoiled

I am a lover, (of the ladies of course)

I am a licker

I am a beggar

I am Harry

Plum Tree Haiku

A purple plum tree

Develops more leaves each day

A home for the birds

Dream Limerick

A dream is free

You feel and see

When you dream

It may seam

You are what you want to be

Cars

Car

Fast, beautiful

Drives, drifts, turns

Mesmerizing, the adoring drivers

Moves, accelerates, decelerates

Sleek, creative

Vehicle

I give him an A+...of course I am a little bias.

Dear Diary

2011-09-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

Life has been a little better since I got to go see Sade and John Legend in concert. She rocked my world or at least shook it up a bit. Brought back a memory of me growing up in L.A., riding the RTD (city bus) down Adams to Crenshaw to go buy her first album on cassette tape...popping it into my Walkman, then riding back home listening to her. This was back in 1984. I was 19 years old...no car yet. Each song she sang the night of the concert was a memory of something in my young adult life...old lovers, friends, adventures, those fun times when my biggest worry was what I would do to party on the weekend.

I'm so glad that my husband insisted that we go to this show. He has taken me to see 2 icons this year...first Janet, and now Sade. Music is one thing we have in common for sure...of course he is obsessed with his music collection. He spends hours working on it, ripping it from CD's and organizing it in ITunes. We really grooved together that night...totally forgetting our worries and how mad we've been at each other. For a few good hours we were a couple...not parents, which seems like the dominating role we play these days. Being there reminded me to disappear into music more often to sooth my weary, confused, discombobulated soul.

Other than that concert...we really have had no time or energy for connection lately. I've been to stressed and obsessed with getting Red's meds and school situation straight. The good news is...we may finally have the meds right. His anger is definitely down to a minimum. His outlook on life is better. He is still who he is. He's talking non-stop...rambling on and on from one subject to the next. Asking for opinions and then telling you that you're wrong. Asking questions that he already knows the answers to...hardly letting anyone else get a word in edgewise. It's kind of weird, he's doesn't even get on the computer that much anymore. He wants to be constantly talking to someone...and he wants your undivided attention for hours on end. It's quite exasperating...but so much better than anger, rage and holes in the walls.

And then there's my Blue...he's a busy little guy with tons of homework and stress because of it. Once he gets home...he's so done with focusing on work, and he gets overwhelmed because of the volume of it all. Then he has his social obligations. He really thinks he should be hanging out with friends almost daily and he's not exactly happy that he doesn't have the time for it during the week. He is beginning to get the homework 'somewhat' under control. He is staying after school for an hour to work on it, and he goes in early sometimes, so that he doesn't have to work much more than an hour at home. Still...that's a lot of freakin' homework.

I am still convinced that the volume of work that he has is because of the freakin' budget cuts in education. They are shortening classes and adding content...pushing teachers to the limits, and not giving students enough 'practice time' in class the way they did before. Maybe it's just me...but I think it's ridiculous. That's all we need is a little extra stress in our lives...caused by these idiotic politicians who didn't plan properly for the most important expense in our state...EDUCATION! I think they really want to keep the masses in America dumb, so that we won't know how to vote in our own best interests.

My life is full of so many little details...there is so much to remember when you are taking care of a family. Medical appointments, medications, keeping the house supplied with food, helping everyone maintain a proper diet. Then I have 2 adults in the house who expect me to do the same thing for them. After having to do so much for Kendal...I loose my patience, and I don't want to have to take care of a grown man on top of it all. I know I shouldn't feel that way. After all, he works extremely hard to take care of all of us financially. But sometimes I want to say, "Make your own damn plate! No...I don't know what you're going to eat for lunch. You're a grown up! Figure it out! "

Mom...she helps out a lot, but she has her days of sitting and waiting for me to do things that she can do for herself. I had to babysit her through a business call yesterday. She had everything written down that she wanted to ask...still I had to get on the phone with her. "I get nervous and I may forget something," she says.

Over the weekend, I left to go to Houston for my BFF's baby shower . (Such a good excuse to leave! Thank you Ms. T.) Before I leave on Saturday, Mom asks me what they are going to eat for dinner on Sunday? "I have no idea...I won't be here." And 2 grown-ass people will be!

I love them all dearly...but we all loose our patience sometimes. I do spoil them all. That's why they depend on me so much. I'm sure they all have a long list of complaints about me. I am not perfect by any means...but they have to write about it in their own blog. This is MY release. These are my 'Confessions.'

Big Guns Blazing

2011-09-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

I send and e-mail to my son's special education tracking teacher to let her know that basically, the programing in place at the high school IS NOT WORKING for him. I do not feel he is getting the best education because of all of the distractions in the large environment that are weighing him down. Red is so focused on the couples in the hallways making out, and the groups of friends hanging out, feeling lost and left out, that he is not focusing on learning. He spends so much time being angry about not having any friends...or any real connections at school. He ends up getting himself into trouble, acting out of his anger. He makes it all bigger and bigger inside of his head and that doesn't leave much space for learning and actually getting the work done.

Granted...I don't think the combination of meds he's been taking over the past year have been exactly helpful either. Getting it right is just a maddening process. In the past week or so however, he seems like he's on the upswing of that. He has not been as moody and depressed. In fact, he has been GETTING UP ON HIS OWN, and ready ON TIME every single day! He has been working hard on self-responsibility...even doing a little homework for God's sake! (Although, he did make me sit there and baby-sit him the whole time he was doing it.)

So we have this ARD (Admissions, Review, Dismissal it's called here in Texas) meeting as a result of my letting them know that we are ready to pull him out and send him to private school. The strange thing is...once the meeting begins, they start it as if it was all their idea. "We are having this meeting because of Red's behavior, which is not safe for him or other students..." yada, yada, yada. Really??? So if I didn't send that e-mail saying that I am ready to pull him out would we be having this meeting???

Oh and by the way...there are additional Special Education staff who have been brought into this meeting from Red's home school. You see...Red is a transfer student, because supposedly his home school does not offer programming that will accommodate his needs. Was I notified beforehand that additional staff would be there and that they are actually considering weather or not his needs can be met at his homeschool? No...we just walked right into that, totally blindsided.

Typically...a parent should be notified of the agenda of the ARD meeting ahead of time by one of the team members. They expect to present you with all of this information that will effect your child's future and you are supposed to make a decision on the spot?? The committee asks parents to sign on the dotted line saying that you agree with what has transpired in the meeting...btw without actually seeing the written results of said meeting. Don't sign unless you are totally comfortable with what has transpired.

In this case we did agree, because basically this was a meeting to call another meeting. The district will be doing a VISIT meeting where we set out a roadmap for Red's future in education and in life. They will also be doing a new Functional Behavior Assessment, where they will look at his current behaviors and come up with a new behavior plan based on his current needs. They will also be doing some academic assessments to see where the gaps are in reading in math. Oh and that additional Special Education staff that they brought in from the other school will be helping them with these assessments...giving them a different set of eyes and ears to look at Red with. Why? BECAUSE WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING OVER THE PAST YEAR...HAS NOT BEEN WORKING. WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY POSITIVE RESULTS. HIS BEHAVIORS ARE NOT CHANGING, which is interfering with his education.

I will admit that part of this sudden attention that Red is receiving is also because they have a new Special Education Lead at the high school. She perused Red's files to see what the heck has been going on for the past year? Why are they beating their heads against the wall and nothing is changing? She looked at his last VISIT meeting that was done in 8th grade and saw that it wasn't very meaty and it certainly did not reflect who he is today. Fresh blood can be a good thing. Sometimes the status quo staff members get into the habit of doing the same thing over and over. Well...we don't have a conventional kid...in fact, non of us do. Each child is unique. Status quo staff may not take into account new methods and training that someone fresh out of a Masters or Doctorate program may have in their arsenal.

Wow! All of this...all of a sudden. Whereas last year, they didn't want to do a new total assessment at his annual ARD because they didn't see where it would change any of his services, or programming and they would be waisting so much time pulling him out of class. YES...we were the uneducated dummies who went along with the OKIE DOKE!

Not only this...but heaven and earth were moved so that the top Transition Coordinator from the district could actually do his visit meeting before the week was out! ARD meeting on Wednesday...VISIT meeting set up for Friday afternoon! The VISIT meeting is a 3 hour plus meeting where we look at all aspects of his life and educational needs to get him to the point of relative independence. We help him, set up a roadmap, setting goals and figuring out what HE needs to do to get to where he wants to be. It's an awesome process. We were so blessed to have the woman who is the best in the district to actually facilitate ours!

We have another ARD meeting scheduled for the end of this month to go over all of the data that is being gathered and to look at their recommendations. I'm not sure if we will come to an agreement or not, but they definitely have our attention and apparently...we have theirs. They have pulled out the Big Guns and that's not a bad thing.

NOTE TO Special Needs PARENTS: Do not Agree to anything you are not totally comfortable with in an ARD meeting. You do not have to sign anything without reading the full documentation. You may be surprised what is being left out of the documentation or what is changed, by human error or not. Ask for a full copy of the documents and review them before you sign. You can always call another meeting to sign, once you are comfortable with the plan you have in place.

We are often in an emotional state during these meetings. Emotionality is not a valuable tool when you are making decisions that effect your child's future. Remember...you are signing a legal document. Don't sign anything you don't understand. I always think of something after the meeting that I didn't address DURING the meeting, or think through completely. Give your self some time to digest and discuss the the plan with your mate, or someone who has been through the process before.

Also, it doesn't hurt to take an advocate with you to your ARD meeting to help you understand the decisions that you are making and to make sure that your rights are not being violated.

PLEASE HELP me grow my Aspergers Community by voting on TOP MOMMY and ALL THE OTHER PLACES TO VOTE ABOVE . THANK YOU!

Guest Post Today!

2011-09-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all! I live in Texas if you don't know that already. Today, I actually read a newsletter from one of my son's teachers that had the word y'all in it...not proper English by any stretch, but if you live in Texas long enough...

Anyhoo, (not proper English either) I am guest posting today over at The Connor Chronicles for Ms. Flannery who has a six-year old with Aspergers and severe ADHD. Flannery is a hilarious writer. I tried to be funny for her readers who expect that when they come to her blog...but I will never live up to her comedic talent.

The post is titled Five Things I Wish I Had Known when my children were younger (that are now coming back to bite me in the ass!) Something about posting on Flannery's blog left me feeling entitled to use a little Rated PG-13 language. So if you don't like things a little spicy...oh well!

Please visit, read, laugh and enjoy!

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For those of you just coming to visit...please come over and "LIKE" our interactive Facebook "Confessions" Asperger's Community where we come to whine, bitch and moan...I mean share information and experiences about this journey of raising our lovely Asperger's kids.

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

10 years ago today I had a 2 year-old toddler and a 5...nearly 6 year-old boy who had just started kindergarten. On that fateful morning...I had been awakened in the middle of the night when little Blue crawled into my bed after having a bad dream. We did the back and forth bed hopping for a while, so when the alarm went off to get Red to school...it was hard to get up. After I got him off to school, I came back upstairs, crawled back in to bed and passed out.

I was in a deep sleep when I was abruptly awakened by the phone ringing. It was my husband telling me to turn on the television. A plane had just hit the one of the towers of the World Trade Center. I was dazed and confused, but I turned the television on. I thought I had to be dreaming. What happened? How could a plane get that far off course and fly into the tower? As I was trying to wake myself up enough to get clarity on what was going on. The second tower was hit. This was not a dream. It was a nightmare.

In the days that followed...there were lots of tears shed in this house and all over the country. I mostly ached for all of the children who's parents went to work that morning just as they do everyday, or who got on one of those flights for a business trip, but they would not be coming home...ever.

Autism Sleeps

2011-09-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

How I got roped in to having an autism sleep-over I do not know. It's not his birthday, or any special occasion, but Blue is the most social Aspie I know. He is constantly making plans with his friends, which I think is awesome. He's smart enough and compassionate enough to be friends with others who have special needs, all of whom are very smart and have issues that are different.

So he and one of his friends decide they must have a sleep-over this weekend. They have never done this before. They hang out all the time but this will be a first. I think the occasion is they both feel a little deprived of playtime since 7th grade started. Blue has just been overwhelmed with the rigor and schedule of homework. It is seriously infringing on his time to relax and "hang out" with his friends.

Since it is a holiday weekend, they schedule it for Sunday night. Meanwhile on Saturday, Blue calls his friend Jay to ask him to come over. Jay can't make it on Saturday, but would like to come on Sunday (the day that Twin1) is coming over. They all know each other from elementary school. So I say it's fine that Jay and Twin1 come over on the same evening. Jay does not plan on spending the night. On Sunday, Twin2 decides he also wants to come over and spend the night. Therefore, I end up with 3 boys instead of just the 1. Lucky me!!!

They all behave beautifully. They play board games, and video games of course. There is a little horsing around, but nothing too loud or rambunctious. While on the computer, Blue is constantly monitoring weather. Why? I do not know. We haven't had rain in almost 3 months. He finds that there is a fire warning in our city, due to the extreme heat and drought. When they notice the fire warnings, they all come downstairs.

"There's a fire warning...we're all going to die."
"Are we going to burn up?"
"We have to search the area for fires!"
I allow them to go out to search for fires. I give them a flash light and tell them to stay within a 1 block radius in which I know there are no fires.
Minutes later they come back...there is no immediate danger they all report. Blue tries really hard to get all nervous and anxious. I respectfully ask him to just try to enjoy his friends instead of worrying. He obliges.

Later, Jay has a close call where he almost has to leave the party early. He is afraid to use our bathroom because our fans are too loud. He has this "thing" with fans right now. Note...actually running the fan in our bathrooms is optional. You can just turn on the light. That is not an option for him, however. I try putting a pillow over one of the fans to mute the sound...not good enough. As I am calling his mom to help me solve the problem...Blue solves it for me. He goes into the bathroom with Jay to make sure everything is o.k. while he is using it! This is huge! He won't let any of us near the bathroom when he's using it. And he would never come into the bathroom with one of us. Wow! What he won't do for his friends!

Oh...and that whole sleeping issue he has...where he has a fit if he has to sleep with anyone else in the room...out the window! He totally forgot about that when he slept with all of the boys in his room. He did wear his ear plugs --just in case someone snored, but that was it! Remember our Bed-Hopping sleeping disaster on our family vacation. Blue would rather sleep on the floor in the bathroom, than sleep next to his brother.

The next morning...the boys wake up. I am in my room, in my bed, on my laptop when they ALL COME MARCHING INTO MY ROOM. "Good morning. What's for breakfast?" HELLO!!! Boundaries??? Why are there 12 year old boys in my bedroom? How about Blue knocks on the door...waits for me to come and answer before they all come marching in??? It was just too funny.

I must say...I truly enjoyed having the boys in my home. It was so good seeing them all enjoy such a typical, teenage-boy activity, with laughter and a sense of comfort. No one was teased, taunted or made fun of. They just had a pure good time and I received so much joy from watching them.

Dear God...Seriously???

2011-09-07T06:59:00.000-07:00

This was my status on Facebook after leaving the high school for my 2nd meeting in less than a week with the School Resource Officer, Red and his Special Education Teacher this morning. We spend the first 45 minutes of school clearing up Red's misconceptions, paranoia and misinterpretation of previous statements and events. It's that famous spinning, looping thing that he does in his head, where he jumbles things all around, turning his own thoughts, feelings and fears into actual events and statements made by other people. Thereby, taking up most of the capacity in his brain for learning and getting the actual education that he is attending school for in the first place. Not only that, he internalizes and makes things bigger than they actually are. This eventually turns in to anger, outbursts and then finally, he settles into deeper depression and a good ol dose self-loathing.

I already spent a good portion of my day a few days prior with, said officer, where he explained to me in great detail, how he handles situations with special needs kids like Red. He is there to assist when one of these gigantic boys is getting out of control and freaking out other students or teachers. His role is to "serve and protect"...to serve --by talking to them, helping them to calm down. To protect --by removing them from a situation where they could possibly hurt themselves or others). He does not work for the school district and they do not tell him what to do. He handles things based on the law and his deescalation training.

Red has it in his mind that the Officer is on campus to, "...throw me in jail and beat me like they do on Cops." On the other side of the coin, he has had two different friends hand-cuffed at school in the past. One of them was taken away. I don't know where this child was taken or what actually happened to him. I do know that in both of these cases the boys actually struck a teacher, whether accidentally or not. Of course Red has NEVER done anything violent against another person in school But in his mind, his friend was handcuffed and taken to jail...never to be seen or heard from again. So the same thing could happen to him at any given moment. Keep in mind that he is not really adding up 2 plus to to make 4...he is not connecting all the dots. Hmm so his friend disappeared. Where did he go? Is he in juvee? Another school? He doesn't know. Maybe that is why he's a little paranoid?

So both of us leave the meeting this morning feeling a little better...not because of the school or the special education staff, but because of the officer himself. He ran this little impromptu meeting... assuring Red that he and the staff are there to help him. They are there for him...not against him. They want him to be successful, not to fail.

This is great...I mean totally Cumbaya! However, I am still reeling at the thought that I actually have to have such a meeting. I mean who ever thought I would spend so much time having to talk to school police for any reason??? Do I really want my son in a public school where this has to be one of his worries on top of all of the mental and social issues that he already has? Where every time he pulls up to the school and looks through the school bus window...the first thing he notices is a police car? And then he comes home and releases all of his pent up anger and frustration by throwing up on all of us?

Well...I have an ARD meeting tomorrow to talk about this among many other concerns that I have about my son's education. Is there any wonder I feel a tad bit overwhelmed??? I mean come on...seriously?

Pleasant surprise coming soon...I will be guest posting over at Flannery Sullivan's The Connor Chronicles very soon! I will let you know of course...as soon as the post is up.

If you are new to the blog...you are morally obligated to vote here before leaving. It is a requirement! And you regulars...you've been sleeping on the job! Get to clicking! Thanks.
p.s. I love your comments...

Roller Coaster of Moods

2011-09-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

He comes home from school cursing, "I had to talk to an F-ing officer today! I don't have any money for an F-ing ticket! I am NOT a BAD Person! I come from a good family! We don't have any money to pay any damn tickets!"

I kindly ask him to remove himself from my room until he can have a civilized, respectful conversation. He is spinning things and what he is saying does not add up. He is not making much sense. It's crazy talk. I can't figure out exactly what happened. I ask him to leave my room until he calms down. He refuses. "But I NEED TO TALK to you!"
"I will be glad to talk to you once you have calmed down." After much coaxing...and by coaxing I mean, "If you don't leave my room now...I'm going to start swinging this belt! If you happen to be in the way of it's landing...then so be it!"
This boy is twice my size...I can not physically remove him, but he has to go! I can see that he is not completely out of control...just angry.

An hour later we have a more lucid conversation. It's beginning to sound like it was a good conversation with the Campus Resource Officer. The officer was just walking through the class saying hello to one of the teachers. He is a very friendly guy. Red walked in to the class, saw him, and they start talking. It was kind of a mentoring session...and yes, they do talk about the incident with the friend in the hallway the week before. He explains the law about following people, and making them feel "uncomfortable" and what the results of that can be. They go on talking for over an hour about a variety of subjects.

However, by the time he gets home, he has it turned it all around in his mind. His irrational fear of being arrested like they do on "Cops", pepper spray, beating the suspect, etc. settles in to his mind. What is coming out of his mouth does not have anything to do with what actually happened.

Lucky for me, I have leave to go leave to go to Open House at Blue's school. When I come into Red's room before bedtime we have this very lucid conversation where he tells me, that everyone at the high school is just trying to do their job. "You don't understand mom. They are all trying to help me. I have to take responsibility for my actions. I am a good person. I have a good heart and I come from a good family. There are no criminals in our family. No one is in jail...and I won't be either."

He goes on to say, "Mrs. Blank (his special ed. teacher) helps me a lot! I can't leave to go to a private school. I really need her to help me. No one else is going to help me like she does. I can't leave all of my friends there. I'm starting to make friends there. I'm not kidding Mom! I am not going to that private school!" He takes it a step further, and has the same basic conversation with his dad the following morning before school. NOTE: In his "responsible" state of mind he actually gets up ON TIME..on HIS OWN, and is ready BEFORE the bus comes. So it is possible!

20 minutes later...he arrives at school. Suddenly, the irrationality reappears. He walks into the classroom where his loving, helpful, teacher is and starts, "Why the HECK DID YOU MAKE ME TALK TO THAT OFFICER YESTERDAY!?" He goes on and on and on all day long...refusing to do any work. Mind you...she had nothing to do with his talking to the officer.

By the time he gets home yesterday, "Mrs. Blank is a liar! She's the worst person I've ever met! I can't go to that freakin' school anymore! Mrs. Blank just wants me to go to jail! That's all she ever talks about. She lies to you! She talks badly about you! And she lies to me!"

Whew! And we're just in the second week of school. There is no school for Red this morning. Instead, we spend the morning in the Psychiatrist office getting his meds adjusted...again. I think I may need to get mine adjusted. I just want to zone out and not feel every one of these crazy emotions that he goes through. If I feel this bad...I can only imagine what he is actually going through.

My Facebook status last night, "Forget the margarita...maybe I just just have a shot!" And trust me...I'm a lightweight.

If you are new to the blog...you are morally obligated to vote here before leaving. It is a requirement! And you regulars...you've been sleeping on the job! Get to clicking! Thanks.
p.s. I love your comments...

School Failing?

2011-09-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

The question that has been floating through my mind for the past few days is this: Is my son failing at school or is the school failing my son?

He's not your average -cookie cutter kid. He is a puzzle with ever changing pieces...what fits one day may not fit the next. Yet, he is in a school that is pretty much designed for cookies...plain sugar cookies with the round shape that all fit together nicely in the package. The world will never revolve around him...he will have to adapt to the world. The difference is...once he is an adult, HE can decide where he wants to make his place in the world.

If he is uncomfortable being around hundreds of people at one time, he can find a job in a small company. Or perhaps he can work for himself. If he doesn't want to or is unable to go to a large university, he can choose a small technical school, or community college, or art school. He can take classes online. He does not have to choose to be in a large environment with multiple distractions that leave him in sensory overload. Right now, that is what he is being forced to do.

So we're at the beginning of the school year and we are back to the same issues that we were having last year. He has already been in trouble for yelling in the hallways at another student. He is trying to befriend someone who does not want to be bothered. He is being ignored...he gets angry. He yells "You don't have to run away from me. I'm not a monster." It is not in his thought process that he is making the student uncomfortable. I just want to be a friend. He has no concept that it's kind of creepy. He does not naturally read or have a concept of other peoples feelings. This is called mind-blindness, an Aspergers trait.

He acts impulsively without thought of the results of his actions. Do you really think that yelling and bringing negative attention to yourself is going to bring you what you want...more friends? Or will that make people have "weird thoughts" about you? Will it bring you a reputation of an angry person that people should stay away from? You have to walk through this thought process with him after the damage has already been done.

The thing is...the school is aware of this behavior issue, he did this a couple of times last year. Yet, they allow him in the hallways, unsupervised during the first week. I guess they were giving him the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, he didn't get the memo. He didn't understand that he was being given an opportunity to make the right choices. He acted on impulse, out of desperation and anger. He did not past the test. He did not gain a friend. What he got instead was an Administrative Directive...a black and white, concrete direction that says, "THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. THIS IS NOT ALLOWED! YOU CAN NOT BEHAVE IN THIS MANNER. If YOU DO THERE WILL BE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES." If you go out into the world and behave this way...you will not fair well. You can not yell at your peers. You are intimidating them! THIS IS WRONG!

Of course...at the same time what he does not realize is that the school has to COVER THEIR ASS! For liability purposes, they have to have a documented trail that says, they are doing something about this behavior. Although, it was their decision to put him out there...hoping that he would swim and not sink. You see, the school is designed for the masses, for the cookies that are all the same shape and size. Who march in a row...doing what they are told...doing what is expected. It is not really designed for those who don't fit the mold. I can be upset about that...and intense desire to pull him out of the fire before he gets burned. The thing is...the world is not designed that way either.

He is swimming upstream...against the tide. Except, public school is not really a river or a stream...it's more like a vast ocean. He is a big fish on the outside, but on the inside...he's a guppy. He does not naturally have what it takes to make it. He needs a great deal of guidance and supervision. He should not be put out there to sink or swim without having some intense swimming lessons. Even then, there are no guarantees when you are dealing with mental illness (bi-polar NOS) Aspergers and impulsive behavior, that he will be willing and able to do the right thing.

He does have an intensive support system at this public school. He has a special education program and teacher who are working very hard to support him. Do I always agree with the decisions they make? No...I do not. The thing is...he is nearly 16 years old, ultimately HE needs to make some good decisions and be responsible. There will not always be someone there to coddle him and hold his hand. His head is thick! It takes a lot to penetrate...to get through to him and then he has all of these lovely road blocks and filters that cloud his judgement. Ultimately, that's what we are all trying to teach him independence and self-responsibility. It's a painful process. It's going to take a lot of work from all sides...school, us and most importantly from him.

This is an ongoing saga that I can not complete in one writing session. One thing I know for sure...is that there will be more episodes to follow in this mini-series called life with Aspergers.

I love to hear your thoughts!